Out of my control

The words start off within me… 

Bubbling and boiling like hot water in a pot,

They tumble out of my mouth swift and strong,

I love you. 

 

Could I have held them back?

Could I have kept them to myself?

 

I see them land,

Now out of my control.

My love you have, 

Now out of my control. 

The words started off within me… 

Bubbling and boiling like hot water in a pot,

They tumbled out of my mouth swift and strong,

I love you.

 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

I Couldn't Concentrate Today

I couldn’t concentrate today

I sat at my desk and tried to work 

But failed

Zimbabwe was on my mind

My Zimbabwe

 

There was a call for demonstrations

Demonstrations against misrule and corruption

Actions that have led to a crumbled healthcare system

No medication, no doctors and no nurses

In the middle of a pandemic.

 

On social media I saw pictures of some people protesting

Holding up placards and cardboard boxes

I wish I was that brave.

 

I also saw pictures of police and soldiers

Blocking of streets, wielding guns and baton sticks used to beat up people

My heart hurt.

 

I wish things were better for us

I wish Zimbabwe was better

I wish we could all speak our minds

I wish my friends and family didn’t have to leave the country to survive

I pray that one day things do get better.

 

I couldn’t concentrate today

Zimbabwe was on my mind

My Zimbabwe. 

 

 

xoxo 

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

 

As noted in the piece there was a call for protests in Zimbabwe today (31 July 2020). I refreshed my twitter feed and was full of emotions all day. I couldn’t explain it and I mostly didn’t know what to do with myself. Earlier in the week I had spoken with friends about my intentions to go out into the street with a placard written “We need a functional healthcare system”. They were in support of that move but also noted that I could be victimized by the police, beaten up, arrested or abducted. On Twitter I saw that many prolific people including advocates and journalists were arrested. In the days and weeks coming up to today many other had been arrested and abducted. So, in the end fear gripped me and I stayed home, questioning myself about being a coward and not standing up for what I believe. I don’t have answers today. I cannot coherently express how I feel but only that I couldn’t concentrate today; Zimbabwe was on my mind.

If I never got to see you again

Time and space have always separated us, 

But today I’m wondering what I would do if I never got to see you again.

If you and I could never be in the same room, 

If I couldn’t hold your hand,

Or drown in your warm embrace. 

If what we had was all we had, 

What would I do? 

Would I smile in remembrance of all our beautiful memories?

Would I cry with longing for all the things we didn’t get to do?

Or would all these feelings be intertwined in a web of what was and what could have been. 

What I would do if I never got to see you again?

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

This post was inspired by some introspection, all based in the restrictions that COVID19 has placed on us all. Boarders are closed and we don’t know for certain when things will go back to normal again. Some of us are lucky to be locked down with family and loved ones but many of us aren’t. I’m no advocate for doomsday theories but I have found myself thinking a lot about what it would mean if these separations were permanent. I have no answers, but I do think what holds true is how important it is to treasure all of life’s moments with the ones that we love because life as you know it may look different tomorrow. 

Keep Shining!

I Need You

I need you to tell me that you love me, 

I need you to tell me that you are here to stay, 

I need you to apologize for your shortcomings, 

For not listening when I speak, for not fighting hard enough for me. 

I need you to apologize for all the others, 

The ones that hurt me. 

I need you to be different and sincere, 

I need you to never give up on me, 

I need you to hold me tight, 

I need you to listen, I need you to listen to the things I say and also the things I do not say. 

I need you to understand my silence. 

I need you to be there when I need you, 

I need you to take responsibility for US, 

I need You. 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

A Guest

I wasn’t expecting him.

His arrival was announced. 

I was unprepared and unaware that this visitor would be here to stay.

My thoughts initially were that this would be a quick stop,

They always are.

I didn’t plan to have company long term. 

I mean I was used to having solitude in my house, 

I knew I did things alone,

 In my own ways without having to consider anyone else...in that way. 

I anticipated his departure.

He really couldn’t stay that long. 

This wasn’t a planned visit and it’s not like we were both ready for companionship - in this way. 

The days quickly turned into months 

And he is still here. 

I try not to question when my visitor plans on leaving.

Although I try hard not to get too attached,

He has grown on me. 

It’s been refreshing to have someone to wake up next to, 

Someone to laugh with, 

Someone to share my hopes, dreams and fears with.

He has also been very helpful.

Like I said I wasn’t expecting him, 

His arrival was unannounced.

We were both unprepared and unaware,

Now that the days have turned into months 

I am grateful to have someone else around the house.  

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

At some point in my life I started believing that romantic relationships have an expiry date. They are not permanent but that instead it’s important that you enjoy them while they last and then say goodbye when their time to end has come. At some point in my life I also got really comfortable with not seeking them. I was happy to be single. I had other things to do. Parts of the above have changed and this post is about someone shaking things up in my world a little bit. In the midst of my beliefs someone stepped in and stayed a little longer than anticipated; it wasn’t meant to be and for a while I waited for the end. That someone also showed me the many perks of having an other. I’m not “hopeless” in love but appreciative of all the additions having someone can bring. That is all for now.

Nothing in the world is permanent, and we’re foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we’re still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it.

 ~W. Somerset Maugham

What does friendship look like?

To me it looks like;

Sharing...

Sharing my hopes;

My dreams,

My ambitions,

My fears, 

My experiences;

Including how my day went,

The things that made me really happy, really upset or really worried. 

It’s the feeling of being heard and understood,

It’s the feeling of being able to unravel myself in so many words. 

To me It looks like;

Being there...

For the birthdays,

The graduations,

The weddings,

The bridal showers, 

The promotions at work, 

The moments of success, 

But also for the other times,

Times of loss or defeat, 

In sickness or 

When faced with death; 

Being there;

Be it physically or via text or a very long voice note, a phone call or a month long count down...

It’s the feeling of knowing that I’m not alone. 

To me it looks like;

Knowing me...

Sometimes better than myself.

My friends remember the things I’ve long since forgotten,

My friends told me I had a type,
Long before I knew I had one,

My friends know where home is;

They know Mhamha and Daddy,
Chenge and Chiye, Malachi.

They know Aunty and our two dogs.
They know where we keep the spoons.

To me Friendship It’s the feeling of familiarity,

That in whatever form of self I am in someone else knows where the footing lays. 

To me it looks like;

Coffee dates early in the morning, 

And photographs, 

Lots and lots of photographs!

It looks like adventure and travel,

It looks like heaps and heaps of memories;

Like laughter, 

and 

Sometimes tears! 

It is treasure in the form of experiences. 

To me friendship looks like the faces of successful men and women who are all over the world doing their thing,

Each of them holding pieces of my heart. 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

I am one of those people who are blessed with many friends. I have been fortunate enough to carry on friendships from high school, I was lucky to make new friends in university and I have had the privilege of making more friends out of school and through work. Many of them much older than me and some younger. I treasure them all and thank God for such amazing connections. What does friendship look like to you? 

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”

-William Shakespeare

Our First Goodbye

I thought about it tonight,

Parts of that morning I remember vividly,

I can't remember what we wore but I remember making you a cup of tea, 

And that I was late. 

I can remember what we spoke about on our walk to the station,

How who you partner with can change the trajectory of your life. 

I can’t remember the train ride; if we stood or sat or if we spoke.

I can’t remember getting off the train,

But I remember sitting next to you on the bench,

You sat on my right and while we were there it felt like time stood still,  

And in that station; it was just you and me, the bench and the passing trains. 

I can’t remember the conversation we had,

We spoke about nothing to while away the time, 

And possibly to postpone the inevitable. 

I remember a few trains came and left, 

We didn't count how many. 

I remember seeing what I thought were tears in your eyes,

I remember us finally getting up to say goodbye,

You gave me a hug,

I can’t remember if you kissed me or not. 

And then I got on the train to leave. 

These are the memories I have of our first goodbye.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

This post was inspired by a memory. I don’t know why the mind chooses to remember some things more vividly than others.It’s almost as if some moments in time are stamped. Signposted and encapsulated like landmarks. 

Are some moments more critical in the trajectory of our lives than others? Do some encounters touch our subconscious such that it’s difficult for us to ever let them go? Is it random or are these moments in memory form part of the bigger picture of our lives so that one day when we sit and remember it all they come together like pieces of a puzzle forming who we are? Perhaps I’m overthinking again.

I’ll end this blog post with a quote; “Sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.” 

Keep Shining :)