On the Eve of My Dream come true...

If you had told me then,

In the midst of all that darkness,

In the center of desperation and lost hope,

I wouldn’t have believed.

I wouldn’t have believed what I was capable of,

I wouldn’t have believed that I could,

That I would.

If you had told me then!

Then when I had lost myself,

When my head hung low and all I wanted to do was hide,

When I felt I wasn’t worthy,
when I felt I couldn’t speak, succeed, excel.  

If you had told me then!

On the eve of my dream come true,

I’ve found that from darkness comes light,

From desperation springs great strength,

And that when hope is lost all we can hold onto is hope.

On the eve of my dream come true,

Now I know!

I know I am capable,

I know I can.

My head is held high and all I want to do is bear witness!

I am worthy.

My voice is my sword.

I can succeed.

I will excel.

If you had told me then.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

In a few days I will be graduating with a Master’s degree. This post highlights a little bit about that journey and essentially what I'd really like is to take this as an opportunity to encourage someone who is faced with seemingly impossible circumstances, someone who has been told that they cannot and someone who also doesn't even believe that they can achieve what may be their hearts desire.

Two and a half years ago I was that person. I was told that I couldn't, I had no idea how I would and I really didn't believe that I could given the circumstances at the time. I was told I was being unrealistic and over ambitions. When I decided to try and asked for help I was also told NO several times. I literally had no hope of ever getting this degree that I wanted so badly let alone complete it in two years and not the stipulated 5. Before I registered there was no money to fund this and when I registered I was also 4 month’s pregnant and working full time. I wrote my first set of exams when my son was just 10 weeks old but in the midst of it all GOD!

I remember saying to my mom, with tears in my eyes, "Mhamha I want to try." and her response without a shadow of doubt and unwavering since was "Okay". I was crazy enough to try and from all around me God raised a literal army of helpers who also believed in me, in the midst of my seemingly impossible situation God raised people who stood by me and were also crazy enough to support me in achieving my dream. People gave of their finances and people also gave of their time. I remember the Sunday before an exam seeing one of my friends drive up the driveway unexpectedly. He had come to babysit for the afternoon so I could study. I had not asked him to come and my plan was to stay up that evening after my son had gone to bed and read till 3am. This wasn't an unusual arrangement. That afternoon when I watched him play with my son so I could in a way make it to where I am today I had tears in my eyes. It sounds a lot like a movie scene but this did happened and time and time again there were instances where I was just in awe at how God orchestrated things. Don't get me wrong, this was not easy. It was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do but it was also one of the most fulfilling things I have done and definitely one of my biggest life lessons.

If there is anyone reading this who is faced with impossible circumstances I pray that my story can give you just a little encouragement. If nothing else, the one thing I want to say is be brave enough and be crazy enough to TRY! In taking that first step you will find all your fears begin to melt away, that help and strength can come from the most unexpected places including from within and that impossible is nothing when a spirit is determined. You will find that that seed that is planted in your heart has the potential to bear fruit. You don't have to see the entire staircase. You don't have to have a well thought out plan or strategy. Start, make an attempt. For me making a start was acknowledging that I wanted to try and then vocalizing this to my mom. I always say this but she literally gives me wings and from that day on we started making purposeful efforts and didn't stop till I was done. Remember, you miss 100% of the shots you do not take.

Isiah 43:19 

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

Guest Blog: Tribute to My Past

"The problem with pain is that it must be felt."

Everyone wonders where we went wrong. Most times I do too. I hope the answers won’t take too long,while I wait for you to start your life anew. If you are happy that is where you belong. That’s all I ever wanted for you.

Realization

 I don’t make you happy.

Those were his last words to her.

They were excuses,

For all he would not let her be.

Not because she couldn’t be,

But because someone else already was.

She was ready to be his everything.

She gave him her all,

But he refused to acknowledge anything she was, 

Not because he couldn’t,

But because someone else already was,

Blinded she gave and gave.

Wide eyed he took and still demanded,

Until he was satisfied and done.

He wasn’t making her happy.

Not that he couldn’t,

But he was making another happy.

You never loved me

 The truth is you never loved me,

Actually maybe you did,

But your love was different; hard to see.

It gave no light and was off the grid,

No electric shocks or feelings of glee,

Just darkness that candles could not rid.

A powerless love that anyone would flee.

Stupidity in its darkness I hid,

With no energy to set myself free.

You never loved me but you say you did.

 Thanks for Nothing

For the hugs you never gave,

Special days never celebrated,

Introductions never made.

And the conversations banned.

Thanks for nothing.

You never gave anything.

And you took everything.

I am left with nothing.

Thanks for nothing.

Muffin

 Can I call you Pumpkin?

And I can be your Muffin.

Why Pumpkin? He teased,

Secretly he was very pleased,

Because that’s what lovers do,

Have pet names for their boo.

If you must he retorted

Love is a wonderful thing,

Makes you dance, makes you sing.

Giving life joyful purpose.

A personal emotional circus,

Their love was long lasting and true,

Replenished with each day anew.

He gave her comfort and companionship,

Key ingredients for a relationship,

His love for her was set in stone,
A feeling which he could not bemoan.

Oh Love is a wonderful thing!

To be experienced by every human-being.

xoxo 

Muffin 

This is the first post from a Guest writer on My Hearts Impressions. She has requested to remain anonymous but use the alias "Muffin".  The post itself is self explanatory though it runs true with the theme of my blog throughout. It is a cry from the heart and is fittingly all about LOVE...   

Love is a wonderful thing! 

To be experienced by every human being... 

Keep Shining!

Chido Dziva Chikwari. 

3 things I have learnt from my 1 year old

#1

How to be Happy: Just Be!

Anyone who has met my son knows just how HAPPY he is. He is always so happy! He smiles effortlessly and at every chance he gets. You can't be mad at him for long and you definitely can't be grumpy around him for too long either. He laughs, he dances, he sings and he loves for everyone around him to participate. Through him I've learnt just how little it takes to be happy. All you have to be is happy. Happiness  not an external force where you have to wait for something to happen. Happiness comes from within. I know that sounds extremely cliche but truth be told through my son I have learnt to be content with today, to see the beauty in small things and to just enjoy the tiny and seemingly insignificant things around me that have the power to lift my spirit instantaneously. Fittingly one of my favorite quotes this year is from James Richardson and he says, "Happiness, like water, is always available, but so often it seems we'd prefer a different drink." For my son and I spur of the moment dance parties to no music are our thing. Spending time with us is definitely not for the down hearted.

#2

Things take time: Keep at It!

I remember when he started walking. I was filled with joy! I was so excited but that excitement soon turned into deep rooted anxiety every time he got up. Walking was DANGEROUS!!! He had NO BALANCE! He fell over countless times and it was very scary for me. I was afraid he would bump his head and get hurt but the little guy didn't give up. . He'd take two steps, fall over (while I held my breath) and get back up again to take another two steps before falling over all over again. He would get up unfazed each time. That was a traumatic time for me but now he literally runs everywhere!!! He still falls over and it still stops my heart each time but the worst is over and he's officially a pro at the whole walking thing.

Walking is just one example of how he has taught me perseverance. Another is how every time we go to the grocery store I have been trying to teach him how we have to pay for stuff before we eat or claim them for ourselves. Needless to say I've been on the receiving end of tantrums as well as stares from other shoppers for a very long time but I got such a pleasant surprise a few weeks ago when he initiated placing all his goodies on the counter for check out. My persistence finally paid!!! Now he knows, "Pay first!"

There is a famous quote that goes, "Winners are not people who never fail but people who never quit!" We are all ‘children’ in many regards and it helps to remember that things take time and that in the process there is no shame in failing/falling a couple 1000 times. To be a child is to trip and fall, countless times but rising still. Don’t give up!

#3

Get up and DO something!

Anyone who knows me knows that I love my sleep! I love my ‘rest’ time and am perfectly content with just being! Being in my bed, doing absolutely nothing for an entire weekend doesn’t faze me one bit but my son is the complete opposite. He is extremely energetic and always geared to go. Because of him I’ve had to plan activities in advance and jam packed days all the time because there is no peace unless we are doing something!!! As a result I think I’m constantly in a ‘tired’ state but I’ve also LIVED a little. In the past year+ we have been out and about all over Harare, in different cities and countries. We go! And I strongly believe I am richer for it. I have made memories with my son and other people in the process: my friends and family.

There is a quote by Paulo Coelho that goes, 'Do something instead of killing time. Because time is killing you.' So in the literal sense every day we are stepping closer to the day that we leave this earth and so every day counts, right? In as much as I love to rest I realize that 20, 30, 40 years from now I will look back and think, “What did I do with my life?” I know memories of reading novels in bed will fade and that my sons’ childhood is also passing fast so getting up and DOING SOMETHING is a pretty good idea. Even if it means we are up to draw stick men or make mud pies, those moments of bonding are absolutely priceless. My son has taught me to make the days count!

Akaenda Kunoshandirwa

Nguva yakanga yareba zvinhu zvake zvisingamufambire.

Kutaura chokwadi akange aneta.

Akange aneta nekurara nenzara,

Nekuseva usavi pasina nyama.

Nekukwereta kwereta kuti zvibatane.

Izvo zvikwereti zvakange zvawanda.

Kana iko kumaraini aitonyara kufamba,

Aiti pada ndingaonekwe naTendai kana naJessy oro Sekuru Thomas.

Akaenda kunoshandirwa.

Mudzimai akange ave nemwedzi mitatu adzokera,

Adzokera zvese nevana vavo kuvabereki vake.

Ko ndaivapei?

Nzara!

Ko iko kunetsana kwacho,

Zuva nezuva kupopotedzana.

Nzara!

Ko uri murume pakuti chii usingakwanise kuriritira mhuri yako?

Akaenda kunoshandirwa.

Kuti pada angawane mhinduro,

Mhinduro kuti nei mushanyi akasvika mumba make aramba kuoneka,

Nhamo!

Kuti nei yamumomotera ikamumbundikira,

Ikamusaidzira pasi kusvika otadza kusimuka,

Otadza kubuda mairi,

Nhamo!

Akaenda kunoshandirwa.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Sometimes when we are down to the last straw we search for answers in unorthodox places. Desperation makes you do things you otherwise wouldn't. Desperation makes you do things that onlookers view as madness. 

This piece is about a man whose life has hit rock bottom. It speaks of how he is tired of sleeping on an empty stomach. How he owes so many people money and is now afraid to be seen in his neighborhood. It narrates how his wife, together with their children, left him because he couldn't take care of them anymore. He speaks of how the hunger in the home made them fight so much and how his wife began to question his manhood, " How can you call yourself a man when you cannot even take care of your own family?" It talks about how poverty is a visitor who came into his home and refused to leave. How poverty beat him up and wrapped itself around him until he could not get away. 

The thread that runs through the narration is that "akaenda kunoshandirwa". A direct translation to English would be that "he went to get worked on" i.e. deliverance from evil spirits. There are different meanings to that because kunoshandirwa can be in the Christian form where you go to a faith healer or a prophet but it can also be the traditional sense where you go to a n'anga (witch doctor) or spirit medium. In this "story" he goes kunoshandirwa in search of answers. He asks why poverty will not leave him.

It was inspired by a friends lived experience and I believe in rings true to the times. Zvinhu zvaoma (times are tough) particularly in the Zimbabwean context. Families have been torn apart and for some hunger has become the norm, it has gripped their lives. Many are riddled with debt and are literally on their knees making it through each day as it comes and for some this has pushed them to seek answers and refuge in the spiritual.

"When you do everything humanly possible you leave it to God to take over" is what he said to me then akaenda kunoshandirwa.

Dear "Mr President" - What happened to your VOICE?

It has been a while since we last spoke,

A little longer than a while in fact,

I hope you have been well.

I say this with all sincerity because it appears that something is amiss.

What happened to your voice sir?

Yes, your voice?

The one you used to proclaim justice,

To speak truths that emanated and spoke to the core of our nation,

The one that drew me, no, us to you.

For such a time as this I thought.

I thought this was your season,

To speak life,

To bring light,

To en-lighten us.

What happened to your voice Mr President?

The voice that beamed with passion and pride for our great nation,

A calling that ran through your veins and pulsated with the beating of your heart.

The voice that sprang forth and willed us to follow as you lead,

Your wisdom dictated.

You were born for such a time as this!

What happened your voice, Mr President?

It has been a while since we last spoke,

A little longer than a while in fact,

I hope you have been well.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This piece is actually something I wrote for someone specifically. I used to call him Mr President hence the slightly elaborate title, however, I think the core of it speaks directly to everyone.While we can speak in a number of ways, by using our bodies for example, there is one sure way we have for communicating and that is our voices. Given the current situation in Zimbabwe there are many people whose voices are now being heard. Voices that have risen up to speak justice and truth into all the chaos. Voices that many are now listening out for. There was a time when we had 'lost' our voices and had seemingly been silenced but now a shift has occurred where more and more people are speaking out boldly! It has now become apparent how powerful one voice can be. We now know that WORDS, sincere and true, can stir up a nation and that among us there are many who were born for such a time as this; some who are now rising up to take up their place in History. There are now some among us whose voices we are actively listening out for. And yet in the midst of it all it appears there are some who seem to have lost their voices. Some who appeared to be gearing up "for such a time as this" but now appear to be silent or silenced. Or possibly are now just distant from it all.

Esther 4:14 

For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?

A Piece for Someone Special: Thank You

You are like our guardian angel,

Always present and working diligently behind the scenes,

The unsung hero.

You are always on call!

Be it 12am and one of us hears something suspicious outside,

Or 1pm and we get a flat tire in the middle of nowhere,

Or maybe the baby gets sick and I'm hysterical, whatever time!

You have picked us up from school, airports and even dates,

You have taken us out - Hope Masike, Jah Prayzah etc etc

You have sat with us in hospital waiting rooms,

And God knows where else before we were old enough to know.

Sometimes we are guilty of forgetting that you actually have a job,

Or a life of your own - friends and the like.

Aunty for hire, I've heard.

You know us best,

Our sneaky naughty ways (I shall not give details),

Our worries, our hopes, our desires.

I guess what I am trying to say is thank you.

Thank you for always being there.

Thank you for calming my fears when Dr Google scares me.

Thank you for taking me out for lunch when I'm craving KFC.

Thank you for replying panicky Whatsapp messages every other week,

No details necessary, our lips are sealed!

Thank you for always having our backs.

On behalf of all your children,

You are like our guardian angel,

Always present and working diligently behind the scenes,

The unsung hero.

Thank you!

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

This piece is dedicated to a very very very special super woman. I shall not mention her name but anyone who is close enough to me or my family will know exactly who she is. There is no one quite like her and for the longest time I've felt so indebted to her and even till today I don't know what I could ever do to express how grateful I am for everything that she does for me and everyone else too. She is a strong woman who takes all the flak but tactfully keeps the wheels on. I don't know what I'd do without her sometimes and pray that when I'm grown (Yes I'm still growing) I can have the kind of strength that she has, her selflessness when it comes to looking out for those dear to me and also enough 'free' time to always be 'available' when my children need a hand. 

Disclaimer!!! - lest I get a thorough reprimand (lol)

She isn't the only one, I have many mothers who no matter what is going on their lives are willing to lay it all aside for me. I have seen and experienced this first hand and over the past two years I have learnt kukosha kwaAmai. Not only because I am now a mother in my own right but for some reason all the little things that my own mother does for me are now amplified. It is true what they say that hapana akakosha saAmai (there is no one as important as a mother). Whe

n I look at my life I cannot imagine where I would be without my mother, I know beyond doubt that Mama would sooner go hungry herself or walk around naked before I am fed and clothed. Mama is the one person who I know would believe in me when no one else in the world does, I know she would vouch for me when the odds are stacked against me and I know that kana zvadii I know I can always lean on her. I owe her my life, literally, and thinking about everything she has done and sacrificed for me, my siblings and our family brings me to tears.

This is all fact but the truth is we often forget to express these feelings and this post serves as I tiny expression for me and I hope it sparks in you the will to also express gratitude to all those around you that serve you selflessly daily :)   

A Heart Grown Cold

 It was the things you said,

Your words.

They tore me down and they stripped me bare.

You spat them out and gave them life.

They landed on my soul,

And began to weigh down on me.

Like a piece of clothing draped over my body,

I wore them.

It was the things you said.

You made my heart grow cold.

It was the promises you made.

They lifted me up and gave me hope.

They made me believe and into us I poured.

I poured my whole being,

My life, my love.

I emptied into those promises,

And when the end appeared,

Those promised you made, like a light turned off,

Left me empty with a heart grown cold.

It was the way you made me feel.

Your touch enamoured my being,

And like a dove in flight, I soared.

High on the wings of endearment.

Oblivious of the storm clouds rolling in,

And the distant thunder that roared,

I basked,

In the folly that is our flesh.  

An external existence, disconnected to the soul

And as the flood waters flowed over my skin,

Detached from a heart grown cold,

Reality left me washed clean.

It was the way you made me feel.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

I dug this up from the archives. It was initially incomplete but some spur of inspiration helped me finish it up. I love it and in spite of that I really don’t know how I could ‘explain’ it without taking away from it. Hope you enjoyed it as is. Emotions from the past can be so amusing sometimes.