Peace

My peace.

I build walls so delicately,

To keep the peace inside. 

Like a fortress to my world, 

I have hand woven an escape,

My space. 

I've taught myself how to be invisible, 

To keep my mouth shut. 

I've taught my heart to forget,

To forget the things that upset me,

The things I long for but cannot control. 

Then Peace.

Surrounded by the walls I built so delicately, 

Invisible, 

Silent, 

Forgotten,

The fortress in my world,

My hand woven escape. 

The Space. 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

This piece was inspired by how I deal with conflict and the things that upset me. 

1) Silence. When something really upsets me and I don't know what to do with my hurt or anger the place I always fall to is within. I'm quiet and more often than not this brings me peace. An inner peace and also an external peace where a situation that could have blown up simply diffuses itself. 

2) Remove that thing from my space and then work at forgetting. I create some distance. This is a solution that I know will not bring me healing but it has given me peace. I work hard to remove those emotional triggers that drain my energy and which in many instances I have no power to control. I block them out and build subtle walls around me to keep them out and to protect my space. 

I work so hard for my peace. The two mechanisms I've listed are by no means solutions to the internal and external conflicts I've faced but sometimes when it's quiet (peaceful) it also gives me room to work through my heart and figure things out. I like my peace. 

2 Thessalonians 3:16

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.

Finding Our Feet

Everyone talks about your teens and how that is a confusing and difficult time.

But no one tells you about the twenties,

When you’re finding your feet!

Adulting…

By 25 you are done with school (hopefully)…

Or still stuck in school trying to ‘further your education’.

You’re not a child anymore but may still be in school,

Looking to mom and dad for support, financial support!

But also dying to stand on your own feet.

They also want you to!

If you’re done with school you’re working your first real job (hopefully)…

Or still looking for a job and trying to start paying your way.

Feeling inadequate when you get those rejection letters!

It’s amazing how many they can be.

You had dreams of how by 25 you’d have your own car,

Slaying at being a career man/woman,

Staying in your own apartment and making your own way.

But sometimes it doesn’t work like that.

Sometimes you’re still staying with the parents

Or if you’re lucky getting rent money from them.

You don’t want this.

If you are working at 25 it may not be that ideal job you always dreamed of,

And you’re seeing it as a stepping stone.

Working so hard for recognition,

Doing the donkey work and putting in the hours.

Frustrated

But…

Trying to make it work!

If you’re in a relationship (One of the lucky ones),

You’re thinking is he/she the one?

Am I ready to settle down?

Feeling like now is not the time for time wasters.

Trying to make it work!

If you’re not in a relationship…

Presumably you start to feel that apparent biological clock ticking,

Or you’re just counting the years.

When is Prince Charming going to show up?

And of course the Aunties and Grandmothers keep asking,

When are you going to introduce us to your man?

If you’re searching it may be that you’re feeling there isn’t much out there,

Lonely,

Seeking companionship.

It is nature’s way I’m told.  

You’re stuck in the middle.

Not a child anymore but not quite feeling like an adult.

You’re working at it.

Stuck in the middle.

You’re finding your feet.

Trying to make it work!

Adulting…

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This piece was inspired by a conversation with one of my cousins who actually said to me, “This quarter life crisis just won't end. I still don't know what I am doing with my life.” I immediately got what he was saying and in a way it really tied together so many conversations I had been having with my friends during the past few weeks. Most of them are 25 like myself and while we may have a general direction for our lives we’re still finding our feet and trying to make it. We are the lucky ones. Some of us are still trying to figure out exactly where we are going, our ideals have been mish-mashed by ‘life’ and now what we have are mostly just questions, “Where is my life going?”

Career and Finances

At 25 you are right at the start, if you have started. For some of us we are still in the process of getting our masters degrees and for others we have just completed them or didn’t do the masters thing and started working/looking for work straight after the first degree. Some of us may even be sitting at home looking for these opportunities. We are entry level and maybe not even in the field we desire. Undoubtedly we are earning way less than we would hope for. We are working hard but aren’t quite there right now. It’s frustrating. It’s frustrating because even though we would like to now be standing on our own two feet a lot of us are still looking to the bank of mom and dad to sometimes step in and help us out. We don’t like this. We are ambitious. We want to do better. We know our potential and right now are still seeking for those opportunities to come to us. For most of us we had a plan and are feeling the pressure of maybe not achieving what we set out to achieve by 30. We are hungry.

Love and Relationships

I speak from the girl’s perspective so yes we are 25. We have reached that age where some of us are getting married, great! We have also reached the stage where some of us are in serious long standing relationships where the question that hovers over us day in and day out is so what next? And for some of us, despite this, we just aren’t ready to take the plunge. We may still be questioning if settling down right now is a good idea. If he/she is the one. We may also be questioning the finances, paying lobola, sustaining a family. We have also reached that stage where some of us are very single and those hama who like to push are pushing. Asking Questions. Some of us may even be pushing ourselves. We had ideals of being settled down and married by 27 but 26 is here and there isn’t even a single suitor in sight.  We have also reached that age where we realize that love and romance aren’t what we have always pictured as we were growing up. Most of us have been hurt and heartbroken. We are healing and trying to heal. We are seeking companionship while also trying to build our lives (see career above). We are finding ourselves; our grown up selves. We are trying to juggle romance and reality. Maybe the idea I had in mind about my prince charming just isn’t realistic? We are questioning and we are growing all at the same time.

We are quite literally finding our feet and learning to/trying to adult. It’s a whole new world. An entirely new ball game. It’s different to anything we have every experienced and it is also quite REAL. All of a sudden we aren’t sheltered from the harshness of ‘life’. It’s tough and it’s also a narration that we previously we haven’t heard much of. We’re still finding our feet.

Distant Places

I have traveled to distant places,

Untouched to my world and my being.

  It was in those places that I saw more,

More of who I am and more of who I am not,

More of where I have come from and more of what I know.

It was in these distant places that I saw clearer my world and my being.

It was as if being away opened my eyes.

I have traveled to distant places.

 And it was there where I learnt more,

More about my world and more about my being.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This post was inspired by a recent vacation and while it was inspired by physically being somewhere else I have drawn a little more from it than that. My family and I traveled to the USA and spent 3 amazing weeks there. We went to 5 States and literally saw as much as was possible for us given the time. It was an amazing experience. Although we have traveled to many other places together as a family and separately for most of us this was the first trip to the US. It was an entirely new experience and for me personally it was unlike any of the other countries and continents I had been to before. We were awestruck by the massive infrastructure, the roads and the buildings. We were amused by the different accents and names for stuff and inspired by the  numerous varieties of food. It was a lot!

However, being there also made clearer to me a lot about home, Zimbabwe, about myself and the things that both define and matter to me. This was not so much a new lesson but a lesson reinforced. I have never felt more Zimbabwean than I did 7 years ago when left my beloved home and family for University in the UK. Before that I had never wanted for a Zimbabwe Flag or harbored cravings for a plate of sadza with beef and vegetable stew. I had never yearned to speak nor hear my mother tongue, Shona, spoken. It was there, away from home, that I for the first time truly ‘felt’ Zimbabwean. It was there that I acknowledged more than ever before where I came from and had to ascertain that I was Chido. It was then, outside of my comfort zone, that I firmly defined for myself who I was and what believed in.

There is a quote by Clint Borgen which says, “When overseas you learn more about your own country, than you do the place you're visiting.” Just like that university experience this trip illuminated a lot of things about my country Zimbabwe and my country as in Chido. It showed me where Zimbabwe could be; that we have the potential to also ‘be’ great like this. That we at present fell so far short of what was normal for others, be it roadwork or infrastructure. That while others, who were already so far ahead of us, where busy building and developing we for decades had stagnated. While I already knew this, as do so many other Zimbabweans at home and abroad do too, it was a different thing to actually see it. It was heart-breaking to see that while we appeared to be different we were not that different. For me personally it reminded me of the things I am passionate about. About why I came back home. In that distant place I was reminded of ‘the dream’ and why it was/is so important to me. In that place that I did not know and had never been before I found a big part of myself again. 

The moral of this blog post and I hope you can see it as well is this - To know something else can help you understand in different ways what you have always known. To see an alternate reality can help you see better or understand a current or past reality. Go to Distant Places: Be it Physically, Emotionally or Spiritually. Explore those untouched worlds. It may be in those places that you find yourself.  This has certainly been my experience.

Keep Shining! 

I want to be HAPPY

"I want to be HAPPY.

This is what it all boils down to,

A five letter word,

H A P P Y.

And if all my earthly desires fall off the one thing I pray I’m left enamored with is HAPPINESS.

Whatever that means to me at the time,

H A P P Y."

This is something I have come to appreciate more and more as the years have gone by. Something that I have, for the longest time, taken for granted when writing my wish lists for life; when planning what I’d like to do, to accomplish. Some of the things on those lists I have achieved, some I am not so keen about anymore and some I’m still working hard to attain. Some have brought me moments of fleeting happiness, others have brought me satisfaction and opened doors and others have been contrary to what I expected – not really worth the fuss. I suppose at the time these are the things I thought would make me happy. At the time those are things I thought were the missing links to 'getting there' wherever 'there' is. 

For the most part the things that truly make me happy have come in disguise, unplanned and sometimes even  inconvenient and unwelcome (chocolate). These are the things that have proved me wrong and have shown me that no matter how much I accomplish in life be it material wealth or accolade, HAPPINESS, stands above all and comes with a certain peace that reminds you that even though things may not be exactly as you would like them to be it’s okay. 

Generally it has not come in the form of physical things that I can touch or point at. Happiness has often shown itself to me in the form of blossoming relationships and a renewing of the mind where I change the way I think about certain things. Now that I have awakened to it I realize how important it is to be HAPPY. Yes, having things and reaching great milestones in life is nice but if you are not happy what is the point?

One of the key examples I can give, in my life, is the idea of marriage. Something that I have glorified for as long as I can remember. Something top on the list and critical to the sequence of how I felt my life should happen. I don't feel that way anymore and while getting married would be great I realize that unless that marriage comes with a relationship in which me and my partner are both happy I'm okay not having it. 

“Happiness is a state of well-being that encompasses living a good life—that is, with a sense of meaning and deep satisfaction.”

I want to live a good life. I strive for Happiness!

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

I Say It

I say it not for you but for myself,

As if speaking it will give it life,

As if the words spilling out of my lips,

Through the breath I release grow wings and fly off.

I say it.

I say it because it bubbles in my soul,

And it echoes with the beating of my heart,

With each step I take it moves with me,

Like the print on my fingers,

And the features on my face,

It is a part of me.

It is the way I feel and so,

I say it.

As if speaking it will give it life.

I say it not for you but for myself,

I say it to the wind that blows,

And if never it falls on any ear,

My voice carried with the wind has life,

My words spilt from my mouth fly off.

I said it.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

My writing often, if not always, comes from within. I always write when I feel I have something to say that has affected me in more ways than a touch on the surface. In many ways writing is therapeutic for me. A lot of things that I write come from extreme emotion and writing helps me decipher my feelings and release. I write for myself, often pieces of which I have no intention of sharing and mind not if no one ever reads.

So true to that this post was inspired by 2 things:

#1) An experience this past week where I found myself speaking or rather saying something to someone for myself. This was so new to me, vocalizing (not writing) NOT for the edification of someone else but for myself. I learnt that this too can be therapeutic. Letting my feelings go in the form of words was helpful, for myself.

#2) A Quote by Audre Lorde, “ I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood. That the speaking profits me, beyond any other effect.” She put it plainly why I blog and why now I should more often speak for myself about things that are important to me. And more specifically speak with the profit being for me despite the possibility of being bruised or misunderstood.

So in all this my lesson and encouragement like Audre Lorde put so well is that one must SPEAK about the things that are important to them. If for no other reason than for yourself, SPEAK!

Keep Shining

On the Eve of My Dream come true...

If you had told me then,

In the midst of all that darkness,

In the center of desperation and lost hope,

I wouldn’t have believed.

I wouldn’t have believed what I was capable of,

I wouldn’t have believed that I could,

That I would.

If you had told me then!

Then when I had lost myself,

When my head hung low and all I wanted to do was hide,

When I felt I wasn’t worthy,
when I felt I couldn’t speak, succeed, excel.  

If you had told me then!

On the eve of my dream come true,

I’ve found that from darkness comes light,

From desperation springs great strength,

And that when hope is lost all we can hold onto is hope.

On the eve of my dream come true,

Now I know!

I know I am capable,

I know I can.

My head is held high and all I want to do is bear witness!

I am worthy.

My voice is my sword.

I can succeed.

I will excel.

If you had told me then.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

In a few days I will be graduating with a Master’s degree. This post highlights a little bit about that journey and essentially what I'd really like is to take this as an opportunity to encourage someone who is faced with seemingly impossible circumstances, someone who has been told that they cannot and someone who also doesn't even believe that they can achieve what may be their hearts desire.

Two and a half years ago I was that person. I was told that I couldn't, I had no idea how I would and I really didn't believe that I could given the circumstances at the time. I was told I was being unrealistic and over ambitions. When I decided to try and asked for help I was also told NO several times. I literally had no hope of ever getting this degree that I wanted so badly let alone complete it in two years and not the stipulated 5. Before I registered there was no money to fund this and when I registered I was also 4 month’s pregnant and working full time. I wrote my first set of exams when my son was just 10 weeks old but in the midst of it all GOD!

I remember saying to my mom, with tears in my eyes, "Mhamha I want to try." and her response without a shadow of doubt and unwavering since was "Okay". I was crazy enough to try and from all around me God raised a literal army of helpers who also believed in me, in the midst of my seemingly impossible situation God raised people who stood by me and were also crazy enough to support me in achieving my dream. People gave of their finances and people also gave of their time. I remember the Sunday before an exam seeing one of my friends drive up the driveway unexpectedly. He had come to babysit for the afternoon so I could study. I had not asked him to come and my plan was to stay up that evening after my son had gone to bed and read till 3am. This wasn't an unusual arrangement. That afternoon when I watched him play with my son so I could in a way make it to where I am today I had tears in my eyes. It sounds a lot like a movie scene but this did happened and time and time again there were instances where I was just in awe at how God orchestrated things. Don't get me wrong, this was not easy. It was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do but it was also one of the most fulfilling things I have done and definitely one of my biggest life lessons.

If there is anyone reading this who is faced with impossible circumstances I pray that my story can give you just a little encouragement. If nothing else, the one thing I want to say is be brave enough and be crazy enough to TRY! In taking that first step you will find all your fears begin to melt away, that help and strength can come from the most unexpected places including from within and that impossible is nothing when a spirit is determined. You will find that that seed that is planted in your heart has the potential to bear fruit. You don't have to see the entire staircase. You don't have to have a well thought out plan or strategy. Start, make an attempt. For me making a start was acknowledging that I wanted to try and then vocalizing this to my mom. I always say this but she literally gives me wings and from that day on we started making purposeful efforts and didn't stop till I was done. Remember, you miss 100% of the shots you do not take.

Isiah 43:19 

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

Guest Blog: Tribute to My Past

"The problem with pain is that it must be felt."

Everyone wonders where we went wrong. Most times I do too. I hope the answers won’t take too long,while I wait for you to start your life anew. If you are happy that is where you belong. That’s all I ever wanted for you.

Realization

 I don’t make you happy.

Those were his last words to her.

They were excuses,

For all he would not let her be.

Not because she couldn’t be,

But because someone else already was.

She was ready to be his everything.

She gave him her all,

But he refused to acknowledge anything she was, 

Not because he couldn’t,

But because someone else already was,

Blinded she gave and gave.

Wide eyed he took and still demanded,

Until he was satisfied and done.

He wasn’t making her happy.

Not that he couldn’t,

But he was making another happy.

You never loved me

 The truth is you never loved me,

Actually maybe you did,

But your love was different; hard to see.

It gave no light and was off the grid,

No electric shocks or feelings of glee,

Just darkness that candles could not rid.

A powerless love that anyone would flee.

Stupidity in its darkness I hid,

With no energy to set myself free.

You never loved me but you say you did.

 Thanks for Nothing

For the hugs you never gave,

Special days never celebrated,

Introductions never made.

And the conversations banned.

Thanks for nothing.

You never gave anything.

And you took everything.

I am left with nothing.

Thanks for nothing.

Muffin

 Can I call you Pumpkin?

And I can be your Muffin.

Why Pumpkin? He teased,

Secretly he was very pleased,

Because that’s what lovers do,

Have pet names for their boo.

If you must he retorted

Love is a wonderful thing,

Makes you dance, makes you sing.

Giving life joyful purpose.

A personal emotional circus,

Their love was long lasting and true,

Replenished with each day anew.

He gave her comfort and companionship,

Key ingredients for a relationship,

His love for her was set in stone,
A feeling which he could not bemoan.

Oh Love is a wonderful thing!

To be experienced by every human-being.

xoxo 

Muffin 

This is the first post from a Guest writer on My Hearts Impressions. She has requested to remain anonymous but use the alias "Muffin".  The post itself is self explanatory though it runs true with the theme of my blog throughout. It is a cry from the heart and is fittingly all about LOVE...   

Love is a wonderful thing! 

To be experienced by every human being... 

Keep Shining!

Chido Dziva Chikwari.