Ramblings for My Son...

As I sat with you on the veranda this afternoon several things came to mind. There are so many things I want to tell you. You are two and a half years old now and many of these nuggets you probably wont understand so I've decided to pencil this down in the hope that one day you will read...

When you fall, get up.
You were born to rise and rise you shall.
Higher than my or your greatest expectations.

When you tire, keep going.
The strength you have within you is far greater than your aches and pains.

When you hurt, feel.
Never be afraid of your emotions, they are yours.
Own them and understand them. 
Allow yourself to be, to heal.

When you succeed, and I promise you you will;
Make sure to stop,
Stop and give yourself credit.
You deserve it.
Celebrate yourself. 
And then, then is when it is important for you to keep going.
Never Stagnate.

Open yourself up.
Open yourself up to love and to be loved.
Remember to love yourself but also most importantly to love those around you.

Do not forget to give.
Everything you are is because someone else gave.
So be sure to give, generously!
So many before have been generous to you.

When you are afraid, be brave.
Be brave enough to confront your fears.
Do not allow the things you fear to take ownership of you.
Many times you will find those things are not as overbearing as they seem.

Refuse to be silenced.
Stand up and speak about the things that are important to you.
Fight for the things you believe in,
That warrior spirit flows within your blood.

Most importantly remember;
You were born to Live, 

And with each passing day Embrace Life.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

I write for him a lot. I started writing for him before he was born and even then I had so much I wanted to tell him. Sooo soo much and so I wrote. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. Then when he was born I had less time to write and we spoke. I've often been stopped by people in supermarkets who jokingly say to me, "Ndanga ndichitofunga kuti pane mumwe munhu wamurikukurukura naye." ("I actually thought there was someone else you were speaking to") We talk a lot. Or rather I talk to him a lot. We take walks most Sundays now and I talk and talk and talk (i love to talk) and now he's talking too so sometimes he has something to say back to me like "Why" and "Yes" or "No". It's mostly one word responses for now but I'm really looking forward to the day when we will have full blown conversations about life and such. 

Absent

“The last time we spoke I thought about how it would be easier to tell our son that his father was dead because as it stands I have no explanation as to why his father is alive somewhere but has never come to see him”

ABSENT: Not present in a place, at an occasion or as part of something.

Sharing this post took a lot of courage for me because it is something that is very real and when I think about it, brings tears to my eyes. It is not representative of retrospective healing where after I have learnt a lesson and found the answer to a life question I write. It is ongoing and although I have come to terms with a lot of things in this regard this is not one of them. A few weeks ago I penciled something in my diary and it is remembrance of that which pushed me to write this post… I wrote, “Be Honest and True to Yourself.” So here I am…

The text in red is actually a message I almost sent to “you know who” with tears in my eyes on a very emotional night. I didn’t end up sending the message but halfway through realized that I can’t be the only woman going through this. The term “single mother” is routinely used all over and when I started to think beyond myself I identified several women who are close to me who have raised their children alone (alone is another term I don’t like using. Truthfully speaking I am not raising my son alone but that is a blog post for another day. I also identified many ‘children’, some who are now mothers or fathers in their own right who have grown up or are growing up with absent fathers.

My question, the one that I do not have the answer to is, “Why are you not here?” Granted life is very complicated and often there are several contributing factors that lead to undesirable circumstances BUT why are you not here?

Why do we have so many absent fathers in our societies?

And I use the word absent very loosely because I know that in many homes we have fathers who are ‘present’ but in actual fact are absent. Fathers who although they are physically in the home never truly connect with their children.

Why are you not here?

Is it that men find it more difficult to connect than women do? Is it that you did not have to carry your offspring in your womb for 9 months? Is it that you did not feel him turn and kick within you as he grew? Is it that you never felt the pain of labor or the suckling of a new-born that you gave life to?

Is that the reason you are not here?

Is that the reason why you can so easily disconnect from your own flesh and blood?

Why are you not here?

Is it that men feel differently than women do?

It will take hell and high water to separate me from my son. My son is the one person I know I would willingly give my life for. He is the one person in the world who I would do anything for and yet for you I feel that you feel differently. Why is that so?

Why are you not here?

I know I may never get ‘the answer’ but my prayer is that my baby never feels unloved, unimportant or inadequate or that it is his fault. So my question is in two parts. To all those fathers who are absent from their children’s lives be it physically, emotionally or both, why is that so? And to all those women who have had to deal with raising children whose fathers are absent but alive somewhere how have you dealt with this? What do I tell my son on the day that he asks me why is father is not here?

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Thank you to my special friend who I shared all this with pre-posting. You are a strong and wise woman and so is the woman who raised you.

Love and Marriage: Living through the Pain?

"The problem is you don't really know how to be a good wife" he said,

So casually as if I was supposed to accept.

To accept living through the pain.

To accept and expect broken promises and infidelity.

Was that what it meant to be good?

To be a wife?

"The problem is you've never really been in love" he said,

So casually as if I was supposed to accept.

To accept that love meant living through the pain.

To accept that I must hold on and endure despite broken promises and infidelity.

Is that what it means to be in love?

To be loved?

"I'd rather be alone" I said,

So casually because I had accepted,

Accepted that I deserved better than living through the pain.

Than holding on to being "good" where "love" no longer lived.

I refuse to accept broken promises, they are no good.

Infidelity is not love,

That is not what it means.

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari

A friend of mine said to me that I do not know how to be a good wife. He said this because I had expressed that I would not be okay with my future husband seeing other women. Another male colleague said to me that I did not know what it meant to be in love when I asked why his wife had taken him back after she found out that he had, for years, been having an extra marital affair.

Now I acknowledge that I may be idealistic. I acknowledge that in life it may be easier said than done to walk away from a cheating spouse or partner. I appreciate that, however, I am against the notion that living through that betrayal and holding on despite that is an indication that you are "a good wife" or "in love".

Why have we made this acceptable and labeled it as such to the extent that I, a young woman,

am expected to not only accept but expect that my future husband will see other women? Why is it that I, despite the pain it may cause me day in and day out, am expected to be the one to "fight for my marriage" as if I am the one who has broken promises. For generations our mothers have lived through the pain. And likewise for generations our fathers have praised them for being good wives in the face of their infidelity. Why have we as societies allowed ourselves to get away with believing and doing this?

When faced with the concept or idea of marriage I am often afraid. I am afraid that one day I will have to live through that pain in the name of loving someone or being a good wife. I am so afraid that more often I have said to myself that I would rather be alone. It's a kind of heart ache I fear I will not be able to handle especially so from someone I love. Someone I have committed to and built a life with. It may be because I have been heartbroken before and know how that can shatter you even when you haven't made a commitment as big as marriage before your friends, family AND God.

I'm not sure if overall this is a situation that can be helped but for myself and my future husband (should that come to pass) I pray for better.

“Last night I wept. I wept because the process by which I have become woman was painful. I wept because I was no longer a child with a child's blind faith. I wept because my eyes were opened to reality....I wept because I could not believe anymore and I love to believe. I can still love passionately without believing. That means I love humanly. I wept because I have lost my pain and I am not yet accustomed to its absence.” 

Anaïs Nin, Henry and June

Keep Shining!

Peace

My peace.

I build walls so delicately,

To keep the peace inside. 

Like a fortress to my world, 

I have hand woven an escape,

My space. 

I've taught myself how to be invisible, 

To keep my mouth shut. 

I've taught my heart to forget,

To forget the things that upset me,

The things I long for but cannot control. 

Then Peace.

Surrounded by the walls I built so delicately, 

Invisible, 

Silent, 

Forgotten,

The fortress in my world,

My hand woven escape. 

The Space. 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

This piece was inspired by how I deal with conflict and the things that upset me. 

1) Silence. When something really upsets me and I don't know what to do with my hurt or anger the place I always fall to is within. I'm quiet and more often than not this brings me peace. An inner peace and also an external peace where a situation that could have blown up simply diffuses itself. 

2) Remove that thing from my space and then work at forgetting. I create some distance. This is a solution that I know will not bring me healing but it has given me peace. I work hard to remove those emotional triggers that drain my energy and which in many instances I have no power to control. I block them out and build subtle walls around me to keep them out and to protect my space. 

I work so hard for my peace. The two mechanisms I've listed are by no means solutions to the internal and external conflicts I've faced but sometimes when it's quiet (peaceful) it also gives me room to work through my heart and figure things out. I like my peace. 

2 Thessalonians 3:16

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.

Finding Our Feet

Everyone talks about your teens and how that is a confusing and difficult time.

But no one tells you about the twenties,

When you’re finding your feet!

Adulting…

By 25 you are done with school (hopefully)…

Or still stuck in school trying to ‘further your education’.

You’re not a child anymore but may still be in school,

Looking to mom and dad for support, financial support!

But also dying to stand on your own feet.

They also want you to!

If you’re done with school you’re working your first real job (hopefully)…

Or still looking for a job and trying to start paying your way.

Feeling inadequate when you get those rejection letters!

It’s amazing how many they can be.

You had dreams of how by 25 you’d have your own car,

Slaying at being a career man/woman,

Staying in your own apartment and making your own way.

But sometimes it doesn’t work like that.

Sometimes you’re still staying with the parents

Or if you’re lucky getting rent money from them.

You don’t want this.

If you are working at 25 it may not be that ideal job you always dreamed of,

And you’re seeing it as a stepping stone.

Working so hard for recognition,

Doing the donkey work and putting in the hours.

Frustrated

But…

Trying to make it work!

If you’re in a relationship (One of the lucky ones),

You’re thinking is he/she the one?

Am I ready to settle down?

Feeling like now is not the time for time wasters.

Trying to make it work!

If you’re not in a relationship…

Presumably you start to feel that apparent biological clock ticking,

Or you’re just counting the years.

When is Prince Charming going to show up?

And of course the Aunties and Grandmothers keep asking,

When are you going to introduce us to your man?

If you’re searching it may be that you’re feeling there isn’t much out there,

Lonely,

Seeking companionship.

It is nature’s way I’m told.  

You’re stuck in the middle.

Not a child anymore but not quite feeling like an adult.

You’re working at it.

Stuck in the middle.

You’re finding your feet.

Trying to make it work!

Adulting…

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This piece was inspired by a conversation with one of my cousins who actually said to me, “This quarter life crisis just won't end. I still don't know what I am doing with my life.” I immediately got what he was saying and in a way it really tied together so many conversations I had been having with my friends during the past few weeks. Most of them are 25 like myself and while we may have a general direction for our lives we’re still finding our feet and trying to make it. We are the lucky ones. Some of us are still trying to figure out exactly where we are going, our ideals have been mish-mashed by ‘life’ and now what we have are mostly just questions, “Where is my life going?”

Career and Finances

At 25 you are right at the start, if you have started. For some of us we are still in the process of getting our masters degrees and for others we have just completed them or didn’t do the masters thing and started working/looking for work straight after the first degree. Some of us may even be sitting at home looking for these opportunities. We are entry level and maybe not even in the field we desire. Undoubtedly we are earning way less than we would hope for. We are working hard but aren’t quite there right now. It’s frustrating. It’s frustrating because even though we would like to now be standing on our own two feet a lot of us are still looking to the bank of mom and dad to sometimes step in and help us out. We don’t like this. We are ambitious. We want to do better. We know our potential and right now are still seeking for those opportunities to come to us. For most of us we had a plan and are feeling the pressure of maybe not achieving what we set out to achieve by 30. We are hungry.

Love and Relationships

I speak from the girl’s perspective so yes we are 25. We have reached that age where some of us are getting married, great! We have also reached the stage where some of us are in serious long standing relationships where the question that hovers over us day in and day out is so what next? And for some of us, despite this, we just aren’t ready to take the plunge. We may still be questioning if settling down right now is a good idea. If he/she is the one. We may also be questioning the finances, paying lobola, sustaining a family. We have also reached that stage where some of us are very single and those hama who like to push are pushing. Asking Questions. Some of us may even be pushing ourselves. We had ideals of being settled down and married by 27 but 26 is here and there isn’t even a single suitor in sight.  We have also reached that age where we realize that love and romance aren’t what we have always pictured as we were growing up. Most of us have been hurt and heartbroken. We are healing and trying to heal. We are seeking companionship while also trying to build our lives (see career above). We are finding ourselves; our grown up selves. We are trying to juggle romance and reality. Maybe the idea I had in mind about my prince charming just isn’t realistic? We are questioning and we are growing all at the same time.

We are quite literally finding our feet and learning to/trying to adult. It’s a whole new world. An entirely new ball game. It’s different to anything we have every experienced and it is also quite REAL. All of a sudden we aren’t sheltered from the harshness of ‘life’. It’s tough and it’s also a narration that we previously we haven’t heard much of. We’re still finding our feet.

Distant Places

I have traveled to distant places,

Untouched to my world and my being.

  It was in those places that I saw more,

More of who I am and more of who I am not,

More of where I have come from and more of what I know.

It was in these distant places that I saw clearer my world and my being.

It was as if being away opened my eyes.

I have traveled to distant places.

 And it was there where I learnt more,

More about my world and more about my being.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This post was inspired by a recent vacation and while it was inspired by physically being somewhere else I have drawn a little more from it than that. My family and I traveled to the USA and spent 3 amazing weeks there. We went to 5 States and literally saw as much as was possible for us given the time. It was an amazing experience. Although we have traveled to many other places together as a family and separately for most of us this was the first trip to the US. It was an entirely new experience and for me personally it was unlike any of the other countries and continents I had been to before. We were awestruck by the massive infrastructure, the roads and the buildings. We were amused by the different accents and names for stuff and inspired by the  numerous varieties of food. It was a lot!

However, being there also made clearer to me a lot about home, Zimbabwe, about myself and the things that both define and matter to me. This was not so much a new lesson but a lesson reinforced. I have never felt more Zimbabwean than I did 7 years ago when left my beloved home and family for University in the UK. Before that I had never wanted for a Zimbabwe Flag or harbored cravings for a plate of sadza with beef and vegetable stew. I had never yearned to speak nor hear my mother tongue, Shona, spoken. It was there, away from home, that I for the first time truly ‘felt’ Zimbabwean. It was there that I acknowledged more than ever before where I came from and had to ascertain that I was Chido. It was then, outside of my comfort zone, that I firmly defined for myself who I was and what believed in.

There is a quote by Clint Borgen which says, “When overseas you learn more about your own country, than you do the place you're visiting.” Just like that university experience this trip illuminated a lot of things about my country Zimbabwe and my country as in Chido. It showed me where Zimbabwe could be; that we have the potential to also ‘be’ great like this. That we at present fell so far short of what was normal for others, be it roadwork or infrastructure. That while others, who were already so far ahead of us, where busy building and developing we for decades had stagnated. While I already knew this, as do so many other Zimbabweans at home and abroad do too, it was a different thing to actually see it. It was heart-breaking to see that while we appeared to be different we were not that different. For me personally it reminded me of the things I am passionate about. About why I came back home. In that distant place I was reminded of ‘the dream’ and why it was/is so important to me. In that place that I did not know and had never been before I found a big part of myself again. 

The moral of this blog post and I hope you can see it as well is this - To know something else can help you understand in different ways what you have always known. To see an alternate reality can help you see better or understand a current or past reality. Go to Distant Places: Be it Physically, Emotionally or Spiritually. Explore those untouched worlds. It may be in those places that you find yourself.  This has certainly been my experience.

Keep Shining! 

I want to be HAPPY

"I want to be HAPPY.

This is what it all boils down to,

A five letter word,

H A P P Y.

And if all my earthly desires fall off the one thing I pray I’m left enamored with is HAPPINESS.

Whatever that means to me at the time,

H A P P Y."

This is something I have come to appreciate more and more as the years have gone by. Something that I have, for the longest time, taken for granted when writing my wish lists for life; when planning what I’d like to do, to accomplish. Some of the things on those lists I have achieved, some I am not so keen about anymore and some I’m still working hard to attain. Some have brought me moments of fleeting happiness, others have brought me satisfaction and opened doors and others have been contrary to what I expected – not really worth the fuss. I suppose at the time these are the things I thought would make me happy. At the time those are things I thought were the missing links to 'getting there' wherever 'there' is. 

For the most part the things that truly make me happy have come in disguise, unplanned and sometimes even  inconvenient and unwelcome (chocolate). These are the things that have proved me wrong and have shown me that no matter how much I accomplish in life be it material wealth or accolade, HAPPINESS, stands above all and comes with a certain peace that reminds you that even though things may not be exactly as you would like them to be it’s okay. 

Generally it has not come in the form of physical things that I can touch or point at. Happiness has often shown itself to me in the form of blossoming relationships and a renewing of the mind where I change the way I think about certain things. Now that I have awakened to it I realize how important it is to be HAPPY. Yes, having things and reaching great milestones in life is nice but if you are not happy what is the point?

One of the key examples I can give, in my life, is the idea of marriage. Something that I have glorified for as long as I can remember. Something top on the list and critical to the sequence of how I felt my life should happen. I don't feel that way anymore and while getting married would be great I realize that unless that marriage comes with a relationship in which me and my partner are both happy I'm okay not having it. 

“Happiness is a state of well-being that encompasses living a good life—that is, with a sense of meaning and deep satisfaction.”

I want to live a good life. I strive for Happiness!

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari