I wept...

I had so much to say.

Words bubbled up inside me,

and My emotions swelled up,

Rising rising like a volcano within me they erupted.

The flood gates burst open and I wept.

I wept for the times I did not say anything, 

I wept for all times I did and was not heard nor understood, 

I wept for the first time and the last time it happened.

I was broken.

And as I lay there shaking I tried once more to piece myself together again, 

To draw up all the pieces that were shattered, 

To collect back all that I had given away,

And all that had been taken from me.

I tried to bring myself back together again, 

To mend myself,

To heal.

I had so much to say,

But only the walls were there to listen to my beating broken heart,

Because when he was done, 

He slept. 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

Some posts are difficult to explain. 

Keep Shining! 

Dear Future Self

I wonder if you still remember me,

I wonder how you are doing,

I wonder if you have accomplished all our dreams,

Or if our dreams have grown and changed,

If they have shifted and morphed to bigger and better ambitions,

Or realities.

I wonder if you are happy.

If you are looking back at me with awestruck eyes,

And a heart willfully encouraging me to press on,

Wishing me to worry not because you are happy.

I worry about you sometimes,

I worry about letting you down,

I worry about not paving the way well enough for you now.

I hope you are doing well.

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari

Image Source: Nakai Kazhanje
@sihle_kazh

I think about the future a lot and I also do a lot of retrospective thinking. I know people who are older than me will read this and tell me not to worry because things will be okay. Granted I'm also a believer in things being okay in the end but I'm also a believer in making purposeful decisions and mindful steps to get to where I want to be.

There are things burning in my heart and I know if I don't act nothing is going to miraculously make them come to pass. I know I have to work hard and I know that 20 years from now I don't want to look back at present day Chido and feel like I let myself down. So I look forward, I look to Chido 20 years from now in the hopes of not letting her down. I have a feeling one of the things she would tell me is RELAX WOMAN! Everyone does and I always plead guilty to that one but the lesson I'd like to share that I learnt when rereading this letter to myself is this: In everything that you do today be conscious of tomorrow. The decisions you make now have an impact on and make vibrations till eternity. It's important.

There is a quote by Warren Buffet that stuck me last week and he said, "Someone is sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago." PLANT! I have a son and undoubtedly one of my biggest drivers to work hard and SMART is my baby boy, I want to leave a legacy for him. I want him to have a good life. What I do now is not only critical for my future but for his as well.

I'm not advocating for big scary moves here, no. It's the little things:

• If you have the opportunity to, advance your education. Invest in yourself. 
• If you can, save some money. Open a savings account. Deposit a small amount every month. You never know when that will come in handy for future you. 
• Be disciplined about certain things! If there is something you have always wanted to do do it. Start that video blog, what do you have to lose? Register that business! Start writing that book. Nothing hurts more than having regrets. Don't carry "what if's" into your future. 
• If there is something you have always wanted to change about yourself change it. Wake up earlier. Make healthier decisions for your life - eat well, exercise. Spend more time with your mother and your father. 

Be purposeful about the decisions you make.

Do things future you will be grateful for.

And most importantly...

Keep Shining!!

On finding someone...

"Who gave you the right to walk into my life and act like you belong,

How dare you fit so effortlessly into the puzzle that is MY life,

As if it were tailored that way,

You, Me, Us..."

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari

This is how I imagine it should be when I meet that person; effortless and as if it was always meant to be. I imagine it this way because one of the excuses I have always given for being single is that I honestly don't have the time to nurture and be present for someone in the midst of being a single mother, a sister, a friend, a daughter an employee and a student among other things.

My days are tough and while I always endeavor to be the best person I can be in all my roles I often struggle to find time for myself. The idea of having to give more of myself to someone else to the extent that I give enough for them, our relationship and everyone else at the same time is daunting. How can I? I've seen friends and family get into relationships and every other relationship becomes strained as a result and the things that used to matter seize to be as important. Things that used to set their hearts on fire; their career and life goals become compromised. I'm not saying this happens in all cases, in many instances I have also seen people blossom into better versions of themselves too. In my life though, I don't see how I can do justice to everyone and everything that at present is very important to me. Important and also at the same time taking so much out of me to succeed at.

The paradox though in my case is that in the midst of this I have seen glimpses of what I imagine it should be like. I've seen what it's like when someone comes into your life to compliment who you are and all the craziness that surrounds you. For someone to be patient with you and understand all your obligations. For someone to be efficient and help you solve problems. I've seen what it's like to have a tiny oasis of peace, to have someone bear the load with you and hold your hand when you need that support.

I have seen pieces of that and when it happens I'm often taken aback. The phrases "Who gave you the right?" and "How dare you?" come to mind. This is MY life, my load to bear, my space. It is right? But now I've found that this person isn't meant to be "an additional", they are supposed to fit INTO the picture and in fact become a part of something more wholesome. Time with them isn't supposed to take away from time with my son, it isn't meant to make it more difficult for me to be present for my friends, siblings and parents. I'm supposed to partner with someone who helps me be better. Someone who through  talking to and doing life with helps me be more effective in pursuing my dreams. And because I have seen glimpses of this I believe it can happen and I'm hopeful. I mean why not?


Keep Shining!

Breaking the Silence: Disability

I have been silent for the past 7 years.

I have silently watched the anger and the pain,

I have watched it brew within her and crawl over our lives and onto those that surround us.

I have watched the tears slowly and sometimes violently fall down her cheeks, his too and all of ours.

I have watched the silent tears too,

The ones that cry out through words unspoken; frustration, disappointment, longing.

The ones let out in hidden places, in deep sighs or sunken shoulders.

I have also watched the strength and resilience rise up,

I have watched her pick herself up and strive to LIVE!

I have watched the strong spirit of a fighter draw swords with fate and win.

I have watched dreams long forgotten resurrect and come to life.

Hope.

I have seen hope dwindle and die..."there will be no additional function for her limbs beyond this point."

I have also seen hope in the twinkle of her eye..."I got on the Gautrain and spent the afternoon shopping in Sandton alone"

Independence.

The freedom to be that we often take for granted:

To put on your own shoes, to speak confidently and coherently, to go wherever you please.

It has been 7 years.

7 years where I have silently watched,

7 years where I have felt quietly, 

7 years where I have been  silently angry and hurt,

7 years where I have silently stood by and been supportive, 

7 years where I have also celebrated small and big victories and thanked God with my mouth shut, 

Then she broke the silence. 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

I appreciate that very few people will get to experience what this is like in their lifetime. They shouldn't. I also appreciate that there are many who have not lived this but are close enough to my mother and my family to have seen and in their own way experienced the emotions I described above. It is not easy. It really takes a warrior spirit to rise up from the deep space you fall into when you find out that life as you know it has changed. That the things you were once able to do you cannot do anymore. It's tough.

I am writing because my mother suffered a severe stroke in 2010. We do not talk about it often and neither do we talk about the obstacles it has brought about for her and our family. We don't talk about it. We feel and then we make the best of what's available and do life. 3 years ago my mother did start speaking about it though. She started talking about it in public spaces: At the bank, at the supermarket, in parking lots. She started to be very vocal about it. All of these were public spaces that she as a disabled person could not/had difficulty accessing. It is often the small things like not having a ramp, or designated parking space. She slowly became an advocate. I, my father and my siblings would always shy away when these scenes played out. It felt embarrassing. For years we had always known to "get by", if it meant lifting her we would lift her, if it meant holding her hand we would hold her hand, we would do whatever it took to do what needs doing but we wouldn't dare speak about it. To be honest I don't know why we lived this way but we woke up one day and all of a sudden Mom had started fighting these battles. I have tears in my eyes as I am writing this. I guess it is still a very sensitive topic and this is probably the reason why we don't talk about it openly. 

There are lessons I am yet to learn here but I am very proud of my mom. I am proud of all that she has managed to achieve despite her disability. I am proud of her ability to rise up from the ashes of lost hope and create hope. I am proud of her warrior spirit. I am proud of the dreamer in her that pushes and pushes until her dreams become reality. She never gives up! I am proud of her voice. I am proud that she can and does speak up for so many who are forgotten in society. I am proud that she will make several visits to a local restaurant to make sure she speaks to the management about disabled parking spaces, ramps and bathrooms. I am so proud that each and every day she gets out of bed and fights for her independence. She never gave up. These are traits that we all need. The ability to pick yourself up when you're down and out. The ability to feel the hurt and anger and disappointment when necessary but also the ability to move past it. The ability to speak up about matters that concern us when no one else is. The ability to be persistent.

I will write more about this one day. There is so much more I want to say particularly about public spaces in Zimbabwe that do not attempt to make themselves more accessible to people living with disabilities and how they can do so. I think I may be trying to say too much in one post but my prayer is that this post serves as inspiration or encouragement to someone. It may not be a disability you are faced with; it could be failure or disappointment in yourself for whatever reason, it maybe that you have something to say and have shyed away from saying it for too long, it maybe that you've actually been making up excuses for yourself and need to just pick yourself up because life still needs to be lived. I honestly don't know, there's a lot in my spirit and I think there's a lot I've also written down.

Keep shining!!

For context my mom had a brain hemorrhage due to high blood pressure in 2010. She lost all function of the right side of her body including eye sight as well as speech. Through physiotherapy and speech therapy she can now walk with assistance for short distances and can also speak although sometimes she struggles to remember what she wants to say. She has not managed to regain function of her right hand although she now writes with her left hand. According to the World Health Organization, 15 million people suffer stroke worldwide each year. Of these, 5 million die and another 5 million are permanently disabled.

Ramblings for My Son...

As I sat with you on the veranda this afternoon several things came to mind. There are so many things I want to tell you. You are two and a half years old now and many of these nuggets you probably wont understand so I've decided to pencil this down in the hope that one day you will read...

When you fall, get up.
You were born to rise and rise you shall.
Higher than my or your greatest expectations.

When you tire, keep going.
The strength you have within you is far greater than your aches and pains.

When you hurt, feel.
Never be afraid of your emotions, they are yours.
Own them and understand them. 
Allow yourself to be, to heal.

When you succeed, and I promise you you will;
Make sure to stop,
Stop and give yourself credit.
You deserve it.
Celebrate yourself. 
And then, then is when it is important for you to keep going.
Never Stagnate.

Open yourself up.
Open yourself up to love and to be loved.
Remember to love yourself but also most importantly to love those around you.

Do not forget to give.
Everything you are is because someone else gave.
So be sure to give, generously!
So many before have been generous to you.

When you are afraid, be brave.
Be brave enough to confront your fears.
Do not allow the things you fear to take ownership of you.
Many times you will find those things are not as overbearing as they seem.

Refuse to be silenced.
Stand up and speak about the things that are important to you.
Fight for the things you believe in,
That warrior spirit flows within your blood.

Most importantly remember;
You were born to Live, 

And with each passing day Embrace Life.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

I write for him a lot. I started writing for him before he was born and even then I had so much I wanted to tell him. Sooo soo much and so I wrote. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. Then when he was born I had less time to write and we spoke. I've often been stopped by people in supermarkets who jokingly say to me, "Ndanga ndichitofunga kuti pane mumwe munhu wamurikukurukura naye." ("I actually thought there was someone else you were speaking to") We talk a lot. Or rather I talk to him a lot. We take walks most Sundays now and I talk and talk and talk (i love to talk) and now he's talking too so sometimes he has something to say back to me like "Why" and "Yes" or "No". It's mostly one word responses for now but I'm really looking forward to the day when we will have full blown conversations about life and such. 

Absent

“The last time we spoke I thought about how it would be easier to tell our son that his father was dead because as it stands I have no explanation as to why his father is alive somewhere but has never come to see him”

ABSENT: Not present in a place, at an occasion or as part of something.

Sharing this post took a lot of courage for me because it is something that is very real and when I think about it, brings tears to my eyes. It is not representative of retrospective healing where after I have learnt a lesson and found the answer to a life question I write. It is ongoing and although I have come to terms with a lot of things in this regard this is not one of them. A few weeks ago I penciled something in my diary and it is remembrance of that which pushed me to write this post… I wrote, “Be Honest and True to Yourself.” So here I am…

The text in red is actually a message I almost sent to “you know who” with tears in my eyes on a very emotional night. I didn’t end up sending the message but halfway through realized that I can’t be the only woman going through this. The term “single mother” is routinely used all over and when I started to think beyond myself I identified several women who are close to me who have raised their children alone (alone is another term I don’t like using. Truthfully speaking I am not raising my son alone but that is a blog post for another day. I also identified many ‘children’, some who are now mothers or fathers in their own right who have grown up or are growing up with absent fathers.

My question, the one that I do not have the answer to is, “Why are you not here?” Granted life is very complicated and often there are several contributing factors that lead to undesirable circumstances BUT why are you not here?

Why do we have so many absent fathers in our societies?

And I use the word absent very loosely because I know that in many homes we have fathers who are ‘present’ but in actual fact are absent. Fathers who although they are physically in the home never truly connect with their children.

Why are you not here?

Is it that men find it more difficult to connect than women do? Is it that you did not have to carry your offspring in your womb for 9 months? Is it that you did not feel him turn and kick within you as he grew? Is it that you never felt the pain of labor or the suckling of a new-born that you gave life to?

Is that the reason you are not here?

Is that the reason why you can so easily disconnect from your own flesh and blood?

Why are you not here?

Is it that men feel differently than women do?

It will take hell and high water to separate me from my son. My son is the one person I know I would willingly give my life for. He is the one person in the world who I would do anything for and yet for you I feel that you feel differently. Why is that so?

Why are you not here?

I know I may never get ‘the answer’ but my prayer is that my baby never feels unloved, unimportant or inadequate or that it is his fault. So my question is in two parts. To all those fathers who are absent from their children’s lives be it physically, emotionally or both, why is that so? And to all those women who have had to deal with raising children whose fathers are absent but alive somewhere how have you dealt with this? What do I tell my son on the day that he asks me why is father is not here?

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Thank you to my special friend who I shared all this with pre-posting. You are a strong and wise woman and so is the woman who raised you.

Love and Marriage: Living through the Pain?

"The problem is you don't really know how to be a good wife" he said,

So casually as if I was supposed to accept.

To accept living through the pain.

To accept and expect broken promises and infidelity.

Was that what it meant to be good?

To be a wife?

"The problem is you've never really been in love" he said,

So casually as if I was supposed to accept.

To accept that love meant living through the pain.

To accept that I must hold on and endure despite broken promises and infidelity.

Is that what it means to be in love?

To be loved?

"I'd rather be alone" I said,

So casually because I had accepted,

Accepted that I deserved better than living through the pain.

Than holding on to being "good" where "love" no longer lived.

I refuse to accept broken promises, they are no good.

Infidelity is not love,

That is not what it means.

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari

A friend of mine said to me that I do not know how to be a good wife. He said this because I had expressed that I would not be okay with my future husband seeing other women. Another male colleague said to me that I did not know what it meant to be in love when I asked why his wife had taken him back after she found out that he had, for years, been having an extra marital affair.

Now I acknowledge that I may be idealistic. I acknowledge that in life it may be easier said than done to walk away from a cheating spouse or partner. I appreciate that, however, I am against the notion that living through that betrayal and holding on despite that is an indication that you are "a good wife" or "in love".

Why have we made this acceptable and labeled it as such to the extent that I, a young woman,

am expected to not only accept but expect that my future husband will see other women? Why is it that I, despite the pain it may cause me day in and day out, am expected to be the one to "fight for my marriage" as if I am the one who has broken promises. For generations our mothers have lived through the pain. And likewise for generations our fathers have praised them for being good wives in the face of their infidelity. Why have we as societies allowed ourselves to get away with believing and doing this?

When faced with the concept or idea of marriage I am often afraid. I am afraid that one day I will have to live through that pain in the name of loving someone or being a good wife. I am so afraid that more often I have said to myself that I would rather be alone. It's a kind of heart ache I fear I will not be able to handle especially so from someone I love. Someone I have committed to and built a life with. It may be because I have been heartbroken before and know how that can shatter you even when you haven't made a commitment as big as marriage before your friends, family AND God.

I'm not sure if overall this is a situation that can be helped but for myself and my future husband (should that come to pass) I pray for better.

“Last night I wept. I wept because the process by which I have become woman was painful. I wept because I was no longer a child with a child's blind faith. I wept because my eyes were opened to reality....I wept because I could not believe anymore and I love to believe. I can still love passionately without believing. That means I love humanly. I wept because I have lost my pain and I am not yet accustomed to its absence.” 

Anaïs Nin, Henry and June

Keep Shining!