She was a girl aged 19

She was a girl aged 19.

At 16 she had made some foolish mistakes. Fun and games with the wrong high school friends and a boy that had professed his undying love for her had cumulated in an unexpected and unwanted pregnancy. Ngoni, now 2 years old clung to her and looked up, “Mama?”

With tears streaming down her cheeks and bloodstains beginning to dry on her dress, Roselac pondered. He had beat her again and she had nowhere to go. She couldn’t return to Baba and Mainini. She had run off without saying goodbye 9 months ago. She had refused their offers to go back to school and finish her O’levels. She had hitched up with Tinashe, who everyone had told her was a bad idea. He was a lot older than her and a drunk but it felt right…at the time! At the time he had made her feel special. At the time he made her feel like nothing else mattered aside from the burning flames of a passionate love affair. He had said she was beautiful, that she was the only one. He had said he would take care of her and her son so she had left. Riding high on the wings of “Love”. Or was it?...Love??

She wasn’t quite sure how it had happened. Or rather she couldn’t quite explain it. Either way it was already too late now. She was already 6 months pregnant and HIV Positive. When she told him her result he had beat her.

“Mama, mama!” cried Ngoni.

She wiped her tears then picked up her son and the basket full of tomatoes. She had to go *kumusika.

She was a girl aged 19.

*Kumusika is Shona for “to the market”.

                                                                                                                                                          

I work at Primary Health Care Clinics in the high density suburbs of Harare and over the past few years I have seen and heard a lot of heart-breaking stories. I’ve never been certain about what I can and cannot write or publish because of confidentiality confinements when we do HIV testing and Counselling so I never wrote but yes this piece was inspired by a girl I met a few weeks ago. She shared with me a bit about her story and that birthed this short article. It is also in line of some of the things that have been happening in Zimbabwe lately : 

• The issue of child marriages, the age of consent and how this affects the girl child. 
• The plight of all the vendors that have flooded the streets of Harare. 

Roselac was a bit older but the above is very relevant to her and lot of other young girls. She dropped out of school pregnant at a very young age and is now trying to make a living for herself and her son by selling her wares. 

I have also met many women who feel stuck in abusive relationships because they feel they have no where to go or they have to stay for the sake of their children and are also struggling to make ends meet alone despite having 'a man' in the home. HIV status and the complications it brings into the home when one partner has been tested and the other refuses testing, blames the other partner or a couple has discordant results is another true and real debacle. All of the above are issues for another day, I could go on and on and on however..... 

I feel that in life we often make very obvious mistakes that we cannot explain or excuse. Mainly because we know we made bad move A and bad move B. And because life is the way it is there are often if not always consequences for our actions. Personally post the event I feel the above doesn’t really matter, it’s the decisions we make thereon and how we decide to continue that do. What matters is that we realize that our mistakes don’t define us, that as long as we are still alive there is hope and that we have to have the courage to do and be better for the sake of tomorrow. So in the case of Roselac what matters is that she learns from yesterday’s mistakes and works hard to build a better tomorrow for her son and baby number 2 on the way. What matters is that she take care of herself and come to the realization that she still has options. It’s never the end of the world.

I believe this also applies to just about every ‘bad hand’ that life deals us. Whether it be your fault (a mistake you made) or just being unfortunate enough to be caught up in a bad situation. Never take up a victim mentality. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue! Change the outcome.

I’d like to dedicate this post to a very special friend of mine, Farai Savanhu, who for the past few months has been pushing me to write. Thank you Fari. I pray this piece is helpful to somebody.

Keep shining!!

XOXO

Chido Dziva Chikwari

*NOTE: None of the names in this story were the characters actual names.

Broken

Will we ever be able to go back again? 

Back to the place where it was natural, 

Where words flowed and our eyes met with no hesitation?

Where the bond was solid and I didn't have to second guess...

To second guess what I said or did, 

To second guess my place in your world, 

To second guess you love, your pride, your faith in me. 

Will we ever be able to go back again?

Back to the place where we were good friends, 

Where conversation was effortless and laughter the norm, 

Where I never felt the need to hide form your solemn filled gaze, 

Where promise was the order of the day and you saw only a bright tomorrow, 

Where I didn't feel the need to prove myself.

Will we ever be able to go back again,
Or is this what we have become...
Broken? 

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari 

In Shona there is a proverb that goes "Chadeuka chadeuka mukaka haujorewi" and this simply translated means that milk that has been spilled cannot be drawn up again. Can relationships be mended or like a beautiful piece of china that has been broken they can never be pieced back together to reform their original glory and have lost their valor and value forever?

This post was inspired by one such relationship and to be honest I can't let this one go. Maybe relationships can't be mended or pieced back together to what they were before but is it possible that you can build again, something new? It breaks my heart that in the place of something that was so beautiful remains just fragments of what 'was' so in the spirit of believing in a better tomorrow I hold onto HOPE...I purpose to work on this relationship and hopefully one day in the future I will be able to blog about what now 'is'...

Isaiah 61 vs 3 says," 'He has sent me' to provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." so I HOLD ONTO HOPE!! 

The first three months...

The first three months of motherhood happened all too fast!!!

I spent so much time trying to figure things out.

I spent so much time trying to get a hold of what was going on and in the meantime he was growing fast.

I spent so much time warming up to the fact that he was here and in the meantime he was growing fast.

Every so often I’d be amazed at what milestone he was now reaching…. smiling now, laughing now, holding the bottle while feeding, and grasping his toys in his rocker, recognizing his name…

One day we woke up and he wasn’t crying hysterically during bath time like he had always done before.

One day we woke up and his favorite onesie didn’t quite fit anymore.

It all happened so fast and although I tried really hard to document it all when I sit and look at all the pictures I took (and believe me there are many) none of them really encapsulate where we were at each stage…

Things have changed so fast…

He has changed so much, he looks different, and he acts different.

The sleepless nights of week one and week two are long gone.

He has different cries now, he has character traits and behavior traits…all of this in just three months!! 

I know when he wants to be picked up, when he isn’t in the mood for funny faces, when he is ok with playing alone and when just wants to be at peace in moms arms.

It happened far too quickly and now it’s gone.

For two and a half months he was all I focused on. I spent each and every day with him. I slept when he slept. As long as he was awake he was either in my arms or at arm’s length but definitely in sight (I would stare at him for hours on end..literally) and yet I feel a bit nostalgic still.

Just yesterday I was waiting for my EDD...

Just yesterday we were celebrating his weekversary..

Where did the time go??

Was there even time to begin with?

Is this what people mean when they say “they grow up so fast”?

The first three months of motherhood happened far too fast!!

Xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

The lesson in all this?? I am purposeful about time with my son. Malachi has taught me the value of each day…priceless! Once it’s gone it’s gone…enjoy it, hold it tight while you can coz in the blink of an eye it’s already tomorrow and yesterday’s gone.

Why I write

I write as a release,

As if putting it on paper will deliver me.

I write to understand,

As if articulating it will help me see the bigger picture,

The paper - a blank canvas…united with the pen,

My thoughts on display so I can see.

I write to preserve,

My memories so slippery they can easily be forgotten,

lost…

So I write to store them,

To freeze my thoughts and my emotions in time,

So that one day I can remember I write.

I write to express,

Where spoken word can often fail me,

I put my voice on paper,

Where it can be heard loudly by those who care to read.

I write as a release,

As if putting it on paper will deliver me.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Somebody asked me why I have a blog. Why I put stuff online where everyone can see it and not in a diary. Of course I do have a diary but why the blog? I never managed to give them an answer and up until now I guess it’s still a question awaiting a response. I’ve thought it through a few times and every possible answer doesn’t quite do it full justice, however, along the way I discovered why I write. Besides getting lost in time when I do it I feel as though writing is all the things above for me…a release, a think pad, a store and an expression point. I enjoy it and often I go through some of the things I’ve written in years past and think WOW, my words take me back in time and while I read the thoughts and the feelings from back then come alive and it’s as if I’m right back there when I wrote it. In that instance my writing serves as my experiences embalmed…preserved.  

With that said I guess in a way my writing can also be a part of me that remains when I’m gone. The legacy that I leave behind, the fragments and echo’s of Chido that will outlive me sprawled all over my blog for whatever reason.

Keep Shining  J

I'd like for you to know me

I'd like for you to know me

To see deeper than meets the eye

To understand where it all comes together, 

The past,

The present,

The future.

I'd like for you to know me. 

To know me so that I don’t have to explain myself, 

To try make you understand.

The when,

The where,

The how,

The why?

I'd like for you to know me. 

I'd like for you to have been there when ideas where birthed, 

When challenges where met and obstacles overcome, 

When I faced defeat, 

When I cried and  when I laughed. 

I'd like for you to have been there,

So that may you could understand.

I'd like for you to understand, 

To understand why things are the way they are, 

To interpret my actions,

To see behind the veil so carefully woven.

I'd like for you to know me. 

I'd like for you to see, 

To see that this is but a mask, 

A shadow of what’s covered inside, 

If only you could see. 

Then maybe you would know.

Xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

 

I’ve met a lot of people in the past few months and I must confess that for me the initial getting to know someone is one of the most exciting times in a relationship. To me it’s kinda like opening up a new gift where you shake it a bit to sort of try and figure out what it could be, remove the wrapping paper to see what's underneath and then finally opening up the box then Voila! It’s exciting. However, one thing that I have learnt is that as human beings we are such complex beings. Never is really as it seems and who we are is formed over years and years and can never really be exhausted in even 2 or 3 years of getting to know someone. Like a carefully wrapped present there are layers and layers to be uncovered to get to the depth of an individual. 

I mean I often struggle with trying to figure myself out, my friends whom I've known for over 10 years and my siblings who I've  lived with practically my entire life. It’s a tough feat. And then you meet someone who you wish you could do a “download entire history”. Someone you'd like to do a full expose to but even with all the time in the world narrating all your life experiences, all your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your plans, your opinions would be an impossible feat. Getting someone to understand it all in its entirety is daunting really. Like I said I struggle with explaining myself or a decision I made ¾ of the time. Anyway that’s kinda where this post is coming from and well I understand that a 'full expose' is not likely going to happen ever and maybe it’s part of the beauty of life, that you keep discovering new things; new things about yourself, new things about the world and all that’s in it. It may well be part of the grand plan that only one person, God, knows all of it and you for who you truly are…inside and outside J  

Keep Shining

In Need of an Attitude Adjustment

“You are in need…

In need of an attitude adjustment,

A mental shift,

Perhaps, a renewing of the mind…”

He said.

He said,

I had to let go,

I had to reframe and reform how I viewed things,

To break away from my so called “realities”

And create new possibilities.

An attitude adjustment is what he called it.

He said I was in need,

As if I could magically erase all I thought to be true,

All that encapsulated MY mind,

MY thoughts,

MY feelings,

As if I could forget the past,

 The lessons I learnt,

The scars I still saw marred all over my being…

Fixed by an attitude adjustment,

He said.

“An attitude adjustment,

A mental shift,

Perhaps, a renewing of the mind…”

He said.

XOXO

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Have you ever had to listen to advice you really didn’t want to hear although you knew it was true? Have you ever heard words so honest and straight to the point that it becomes a little difficult to swallow? And although you’d like it to be so wrong you can’t find the words to contend with it, to adequately justify your actions or to stop the conversation mid air?

I recently had an encounter like that and the post tells the story. The moral of it all lies with how difficult it is to accept where your mistakes and your faults lie especially when they are sooo deeply rooted within how you have allowed/made yourself to believe things are.  It really isn’t easy and I’ve come to realise that an attitude adjustment is something easier said than done. The things we come to accept as truth are engraved and formed through many experiences over time and letting go of those things there and then kinda tears you apart because it challenges years of building blocks in creating your truth.  

So what do you do?

Post my experience I have decided to take a few steps in dealing with this ‘new truth’.

·         Step 1 - Analyse the advice. Play it over and over in my mind until I accept it to be true and not a mere attack on me.

·         Step 2 – Retrace. I have now begun a process of retracing where I could have gotten things wrong and hopefully through that I’ll start having light bulb moments that will help me remodel my age old beliefs.

·         Step 3 – Automatic attitude adjustment. (If my steps work)

It isn’t easy but I have feeling it makes all the difference.

Like I said earlier the truth is sometimes hard to take and oftentimes shooting the messenger is a much easier take, however, a lesson I also learnt from this is the value of a friend/brother/sister who tells you like it is. It can’t be easy on the other end being downright honest and today I accept that the hard truth actually comes from a place of love. Make it a point to cherish those that tell you like it is…they are often a rare find J

Shout out to the “HE” that told me I needed an attitude adjustment, my mom, my little sister and 90% of my friends for always telling me like it is.

The hard truth!

  

Letting it be...

I've decided to let it be,

To let go of the reigns and

Let it be...

I'll go with the flow, 

I'll follow the crowd, 

I'll live a life in oblivion, 

I'll let it be... 

No rules,

No regulations, 

No stopping myself and 

No saying NO! 

I've decided to let it be...

The decision is to stop fighting, 

To squeeze my eyes shut to the walls long since erected,

To let go of my inhibitions and for a while, 

Just a little while, 

I'm going to let it be... 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This post was inspired by a mixed bag of feelings including the very eminent and apparent one FATIGUE! I like being in control, I like having a plan, I've often been described as up tight and believe things are meant to be a certain way. I struggle to have it any other way and most times I'll fight tooth and nail to get things in place BUT when I wrote this piece my body, mind and soul were just tired. Worn out, drained, complacent and lethargic. I was/still am tired and the plan is to go with the flow and see where it takes me.

Is it wrong to just let go sometimes? 

Keep Shining :)