LEAVE!

I don’t hate you

And neither do I resent you

I just want you to leave me alone

Leave me alone as in

Leave my heart

And leave my mind

LEAVE!

The thought of you should stop

Stop tormenting me

Stop visiting me

Stop living in my mind

STOP!

How I feel about you?

I miss you

I want you

But above all else I just want you to leave me alone

Leave me alone as in

Leave my heart

And leave my mind

LEAVE!

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Going Over the Edge!

Falling but you don’t quite hit the ground.

Breaking but you don’t quite fall apart or smash into pieces.

Tiring but you never really give up.

Defeated but it’s never really THE END.

Going Over the Edge!

Moments,

Mixed with glimpses of joy and excitement.

Moments,

When you don’t know how to feel.

When you have to put up a front.

When you just have to go with what is.

Moments,

When you cannot explain anything…

Not to anyone, not to yourself.

Moments,

When it's just what it is.

Going Over the edge!

A season where there is no returning the same.

When you are pushed,

Pushed beyond all you ever thought you could endure.

When all you want is to be invisible,

But

You are forced to stick out like a sore thumb.

A season where you want to be heard,

To be understood,

But

You don’t even know what you want to portray.

When your own beliefs are shifted and sieved.

A season of tough decisions.

Having to hold onto others for survival.

Having to ‘make it’ through each and every day,

Taking it as it comes.

Going over the Edge!

Entering and falling into the unknown.

Burying of life as you know it.

Striving and fighting for the unknown,

Despair,

Disappointment,

Courage,

Forgiveness,

Tears,

Hope!

Going over the Edge…

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

It’s been a while since I have blogged. It’s not that I have stopped writing completely, the article above is testament of this, but life has just been extremely hectic. I have been working hard trying to juggle work, school, the baby and life. My son is 1 now and I am in the final year of my Masters. God is faithful J 

I don’t remember when I wrote this and it’s amazing how full of emotion it is. It’s amazing how in life there are such distinct shifts of season. Sometimes you feel like you are falling over the edge and you don’t know when things will end and then in the next season that time can be a distant memory. Of course there may be scars and experiences that you carry with you forever but the essence of it all is that, "This too shall pass…" Keep holding onto Hope. 

2 Corinthians 4: 17-18 sums up perfectly what I want to say, “So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.”

This is a scripture that carried me through what were the darkest and in a very twisted way most beautiful days of my life. While the outside world seemed to the falling apart within an amazing light was growing and soon to be birthed. I don’t quite know how to explain this, hopefully one day I will be able to (and here as well). As always my posts might be muddled and full of emotion which can make things rather confusing but hopefully you, the reader, have been able to extract something from the mix. J

P.S I’d like to make a special mention of my brother who encouraged me to POST SOMETHING! I have no idea how you were reminded of my blog :0 Quite often I forget that although this is MY baby there are also people out there who actually read it. Thank you Chenge! J

I Also Feel

I see,

I see your head held high

And,

Your reassuring smile.

I hear,

I hear you laugh so tender,

And

Your words so meticulously stung together.

I also feel. 

I feel,

I feel your pain so strong beneath

And

Your gut wrenching agony.

I feel, 

I feel your despair,

Your inner light fading.

Like a silent roar it pierces through the words unspoken,

I hangs like an ornament over the mirage you try to create.

I see,

I hear,

I also feel.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This doesn’t happen often but sometimes in life we go through stuff that literally tears us apart. And sometimes although the worst has happened we do not shed visible tears or walk with our heads hanging low. Sometimes we do not run to tell our closest friends or family what misfortunes we have come across and sometimes our pain and heartache we keep wholly as our own, dealt with in the confines of our private spaces. I am reminded of the shona saying, “Chakafukidza dzimba matenga”.

The reasons for this are varied but it is during these times that we wake up each day and put up a front. We show up, we smile, we act…we act as if things are okay, as if things are normal.

This post was inspired but what I believe to be a similar experience but from an outside view. An experience where although a close friend or family member doesn’t want to share what they are going through you can still feel and see as well as hear with your heart that things are not okay. As a friend/sister/brother this can be an extremely tough time. How can you help someone when they won’t share with you what is wrong? How can you help someone when they do not want you to know that there is something wrong? You wish that they could just cry out so that you can hold them close and tell them that things will be okay but instead you are also forced to pretend; to ‘act’ as if all is well.  

"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity."

Carl Jung

Ours is a story Half Baked...

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of;

I cannot write about YOU,

I cannot write about US,

Ours is a story half baked.

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of;

It never did make sense to me,

How I could LOVE so much what isn’t mine,

How I could love so much what I strongly believed I did not want,

How could I love you?

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of;

How our souls became so intertwined,

How strongly we were drawn to each other,

How like night and day our worlds did not mix

And yet there we were.

It never did make sense to me.

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of,

How we created love and light,

And yet between us a cloud of darkness hovers.

Silence.

Distance.

As if that LOVE, did not exist,

And yet I see it every day,

In HIS eyes.

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of,

How our tomorrows will be.

His,

Yours,

Mine.

Ours? 

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of,

What was?

What isn’t?

What is?

Ours is a story half baked.

xoxo 

Chido Dziva Chikwari

"Like night and day our worlds did not mix"

So like all of my pieces this is inspired by my personal experience and my hearts impressions. As the piece states it is a story half-baked and because of that this accompanying note isn’t going to say much. Hopefully most of it will bring meaning to itself and to you reader but if not, hopefully one day I will be able to write more.

Keep Shining J

5 Lessons @ 24

I celebrated my birthday this weekend and as we all know this is one of the perfect times to sit down and do some inward reflection. The past year, for me, has been full of critical landmarks to say the least and while this list of 5 things I learnt this year is very specific to me I am hoping that to you, the reader, there will be one or two things to extrapolate and apply in your own life. 

1. 

Curve balls

Remember when there was a time you had it all planned out? You were going to go to Uni, get a great job, travel the world, get married, have cute babies and live happily ever after.... 

I've learnt that things don't always work out the way we plan BUT It's OKAY! At 23 I had my son and that wasn't exactly part of the plan but you know what sometimes that's what happens. Despite the "Uh Oh" moment my son is the light of my world and nothing has ever made me happier. The curve balls are often uexpected but It's OKAY because things always work out in the end. 

2.

Do what makes you Happy, Do what gives you inner Peace. 

Since 23 my ears have entered into the habit of hearing and seeing what other people are saying and doing...NOT HELPFUL! I've learnt that our paths are different and what's critical is to DO YOU! Stay in your lane. Make your own decisions and at the end of the day what really matters is that your heart is at peace with your life choices. 

3.

Be Brave enough to Try. 

At 23 I had the nerve to attempt what a lot of people told me not to. I was told I was being crazy and overambitious. At the time I had no idea how I was going to do it but all I knew was that I had to. I registered for my Masters while 4 months pregnant and wrote my exams while Malachi was just 10 weeks old. I had a lot to prove! I had a full time job at the time. With study sessions going on all throughout the night and sometimes with him on one leg and a book on the other, I Passed!! I did a lot better that what I or anyone else expected and the one thing I am grateful for is that I was brave or rather crazy enough to TRY! 

4.

The value of True Friends.

This is one lesson that literally brings me to tears every time I think about it. This past year I have seen firsthand exactly what the bible means when it talks about how "A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated but two can stand back to back and conquer." Never take for granted the relationships you have with your friends. For me, those are the people who literally got me out of bed when I didn't have the energy or motivation, they drove me to work and back when I felt like nothing mattered, they brought me chompkins and samoosas when the cravings and morning sickness struck, they drove me halfway across the country to solve my nyayas and spoke for me when tears choked up my voice and I couldn't speak.  It was my friends who held my hand at my very first scan and my friends who sat with me in doctors waiting rooms for hours on end at no pay and with no questions asked. There is a group of people who were on call 24/7 and were willing to put their lives on hold whenever I called in my time of need. I honestly don't know where I'd be  without my friends, To them I am forever indebted. 

5. 

Enjoy Life! 

Live in the moment. Worry less about tomorrow and embrace today. Most times the things we lose sleep over don't really matter..long term. Forgive often and freely. Don't hold onto misery and things that bring you down. Life is short and no moment is ever like the previous one. Celebrate today, tomorrow is not guaranteed! Be weird be crazy, be you! 

LIVE, laugh, love, learn! My son taught me most of that and he's not even talking yet. He wakes up with a smile on his face every single day. He is unforgiving about his screams and he doesn't care who is watching. If he falls, the sooner you pick him up the sooner it's forgotten and he's back to smiling again. In 7 months he has gone from a mere promise in my belly to a little boy who is extremely active and wont let anything pass him by without picking it up and putting it in his mouth. In just 7 months! 

Here's to 24!!!!

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari
12/09/2015

May you live all the days of your life. - Jonathan Swift 

A Moment to Reintroduce Myself to Me

Let Me take a moment to reintroduce myself to Me. 

You see I had lost touch with who I was, 

and so this moment I have spared so that I can get to know Me, again. 

Let Me take a moment to reintroduce myself to Me. 

You see I was a girl who'd figured Me out, 

till into the picture crept him 

and her,

and them, 

and those guys too..... 

Let Me take a moment to reintroduce myself to Me. 

You see they told me all sorts of things about Me, 

and sadly for Me, I started to believe them. 

It was then that I lost touch with who Me was.

Let Me take a moment to reintroduce myself to Me. 

You see who I am is dear to Me,

There really is no I without Me.

Let me take a moment to reintroduce myself to Me. 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

In the past year I went through a lot of things that literally broke down my self esteem. I mean it got to the point where I had lost the confidence to speak out in public ndichizviti, "Ko ini ndingataure kuti chii zvangu." None of this came from within but it was founded merely on what people had said to me and about me. It was founded on how society viewed things, not me.  Because of this I began to see myself as a second rate citizen and went as far as to consider that maybe I was everything people had said; stupid, worthless, amounting to nothing. 

It took me a while to get over all those feelings and sometimes it takes a good friend to remind me to snap out of it. I've had to have countless stern conversations with myself and a lot of it circled around reintroducing myself to me. I had to purposefully relocate Chido outside of what society said and how society defined my circumstances. I haven't got it all figured out yet and but I've come to the realization that only I have the power to be the author of my own story, the way I see myself comes from within and only I have the power to change that. 

I believe there are a lot of people among us who have lost their identity to what society says. There are many people who have begun to conform to what is the norm or what is deemed "acceptable"; be it the way you dress, the way you talk (the language you use), the things you believe to be right or wrong or even the dreams and ambitions you have for your life. These changes happen on a daily basis and oftentimes subconsciously. More often than we care to notice our surroundings shape who we become. It is for that very reason why you need to have a strong sense of self. 

"Who are you? 

What do you believe in and why? 

What's acceptable and what isn't? 

Where are you headed?"

Those are really tough questions but oftentimes it's being aware of the simple things that matters. When the world wants to feed you their opinion about why doing a degree in psychology is a bad idea you need to be able to remind yourself why you chose that path to begin with and where you see your life going. 

When the world tells you that your biological clock is ticking and that it's worrying that there is no boyfriend in sight you need to be able to ease the pressure on yourself and zone in on how you know marriage isn't your end goal in life. There is no need to rush or settle.

When you graduated three years ago and you are working a job that's far from what you imagined or earning what some may call 'peanuts' you need to be able to tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with you and that our journeys are not the same, right now may be your incubation period. Focus on what's important, hard work and keeping the dream alive. 

I don't know what different scenarios people are faced with but my story remains the same...You need to have an idea of what you want so that you aren't swayed at every turn. You need to have an idea of who you are so you don't change like a cameleon in different social settings. You need to have an idea of who you are so that you aren't a Yes man/woman. Take the time to reintroduce yourself. 

Zvino todii?

She was a girl aged 17 and her world had suddenly changed. She was confronted with a sea of people; some faces familiar, others a blur in the sea of her whirling tears. It was all becoming real. 

As the emotions subsided and numbness set reality began to creep up on her. Mum was gone and they were alone. Another unfamiliar face disrupted her chain of thought as woman clad in a multicolored zambia and red dhuku screamed upon seeing her face. She then frantically threw her arms around her neck before calling out loud incoherent phrases straight into her ear. This had become an all too familiar act. She had been instructed nanambuya to sit in the corner with her brother and it was there that every mourner passed 'kuzobata maoko'. 

Although sitting quietly in the corner of a room filled with people Owen and Faith instinctively felt alone. Owen, now 10 years old, gripped her arm and rested his body on her shoulder. She felt the warmth of his skinny torso and once again, uncontrollably, tears began to flow down her cheeks. 

"Zvino todii?"were there two words that kept coming to mind. Like a bad song on repeat where you aren't the DJ. These were the same words that her mother had yelled over and over and over again the day they had received news that baba had died on the spot in a car accident, 

What shall we do now? 

Mamas death had been so sudden. Faith never knew that complaints of chest pains could escalate and draw the life out of such a strong, vibrant, caring, loving and beautiful woman within hours. Ingawani I got sick and my leg swelled to the size of a tree trunk and for months I was in pain but I am still here? 

Zvino todii? 

She was a girl aged 17 and her world had suddenly changed. 

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This piece was inspired by two children I met a few months ago. It is mostly what I imagined and the feelings that crept into my heart while I was speaking to them and when I thought about them afterwards.

Their story and reality was sad to say the least and I am not one to say I understand death and grief and all the issues that surround it but after encountering those two children one thing that stuck was that bold question...Zvino todii/What shall we do now? I wondered about how they were taking care of themselves and if at that time their tomorrow had been a question (When I met them they were living alone and upon asking what they did for food and school fees the response was that their uncles sometimes help them out.)

I began to think a bit more about that question and realized how applicable it can be in all scenarios. When you are faced with challenges and obstacles, when you find yourself in undesirable situations or even just where you are at in your life right now (be it a good place or a bad place) it is always a standing question.

What shall we do now?

What's next for your life, your career or your relationships? Life and time are an ever ticking process. Yes we have junctions and landmark moments as our days progress but as long as you are among the living the game never stops. So if its an obstacle you are dealing with, be it a heartbreak or failure chakakosha ndechekuti hauite stuck ipapo (Whats important is that you don't get stuck there).

One of my greatest fears in life (I confess) is being stuck; be it being stuck in a bad relationship or even being stuck in the same job for 20 years. I never want to stagnate. I'm always conscious about what I am doing to progress or move forward with my life. I don't want to die where I'm at. Don't get me wrong there is beauty in every season of life but like I mentioned earlier as long as you are among the living the game never stops, life is an ever ticking process. 

Soo in conclusion whatever you are facing right now; be it that you recently graduated from University or got a new job or the love of your life just broke up with you or you may have even lost a loved one a good question to ask yourself is: "So what shall I do now?"

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari

In the spirit of moving forward.