Love Letter to Myself

Hi Beautiful,

I know I don’t tell you this often enough, but you truly are breath-taking.

Your smile lifts my spirit and

Your eyes light up the entire room.

I am in awe of you, my love.

You probably don’t see it yourself but

Your body is amazing.

It is!

Your skin is its own chocolate brown,

Your stretch marks form their own unique patterns,

Your birth mark sits perfectly below your collar bone,

Your scars lie hidden in plain sight on your arm,

Those non-existent eyebrows and that nose you inherited from your grandmother are perfect.

Your thighs, although often hidden, are in one word...nice!

And so are your boobs. 

I love the golden colour of your hair and how it refuses to be tamed,

Very much like you.

I know I don’t tell you this often enough, but you truly are breath-taking.

Love

Me.

I have gained a lot of weight over the last few months and it is tough! The negative comments come from everywhere but most importantly from myself. It sucks. I do not like the way I look in the mirror or in pictures and I hate that I am struggling to fit into most of my clothes. So now I am working on it; ever so slowly but I am working on it. 

In the meantime, I really do not want to be in a space where I don’t like myself, so I forced myself to write this piece. I stood in front of the mirror and complimented parts of my body that I did like and ignored the parts I don’t like at the moment because to be quite frank they have been getting way too much attention lately. 

Why did I do this? 

I believe positive self-affirmation is really important. I believe that in life you should be your biggest cheerleader. If additional support and admiration comes from elsewhere that is great, but it should start with me. 

A quote I read recently says, “Just because you’re not thin it doesn’t mean you’re ugly. You are beautiful because of the light you carry inside you. You are beautiful because you say you are and you hold yourself that way.” [Mary Lambert]. That is all. 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

Keep Shining!

Too difficult to Love

This isn’t the sort of heart that you walk right into, 

Finding fresh warm linen ready and waiting for you. 

No. 

This heart is a battlefield. 

Filled with landmines that lay hidden and forgotten, 

Waiting to explode at the slightest movement. 

In the words of those who have gone before you... 

I’m too difficult to love. 

xoxo 

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

I have been told repeatedly the reasons why I am either not desirable or unlikely to ever find someone. I have been told things like you are too independent, too strong, too intimidating, too up tight etc etc. All by potential suitors who eventually give up on their pursuit and move on. Maybe I have just been scarred too many times and my walls are indeed too high. However, I’m often left wondering if it is supposed to be easy for a man to walk into my life and take claim on my heart. 

Is it supposed to be easy? 

Or are you supposed to prove yourself worthy?

In the same spirit I am also aware that I am not a bed of roses or a walk in a park. I have high expectations for him AND for myself. I have issues and emotional baggage; I’m working on both but for now it’s still there. So, for these and other reasons I concede that I am “too difficult to love” and perhaps this is a pursuit to be won only by the brave and strong!

Keep Shining. 

27 lessons before my 27th...

I’m turning 27 this month and I figured that this is the perfect time to do some reflective thinking. Because writing is what I do I decided to create a list of some of the biggest lessons I have picked up along the way and because this is an occasion type list “27 lessons” was the goal. I ended up with tonnes more than 27 so this is an edited list – in no specific order. I hope at least one of these speaks to you… 

1. Be specific about your goals and where you are going. Write it down, say it out loud, repeat it to yourself.
2. Do you and never compare yourself to the next person. Life is so much better that way! 
3. Work hard, it pays. I truly believe and have seen that you reap what you sow.
4. Your happiness comes from within. Don't make it someone else's responsibility. 
5. People matter. At the end of the day it really is all about your circle; your family, your friends, your tribe. Hold onto them. 
6. Give and be a blessing to others. There is something empowering and magical about living beyond just you.
7. Enjoy life and live in the moment. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. 
8. Your time is valuable. Manage it well. You only get what each day gives – 24 hours. 
9. You matter!  
10. Guard your heart and your peace. Be intentional about this. 
11. Speak. It doesn’t matter how you do it but express yourself. 
12. Don’t be held prisoner by things in your head. The other side of your fears isn’t that bad. 
13. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Fight.
14. Travel. The world is a beautiful place.
15. Rest and take good care of yourself.
16. Grow someone - it grows you.
17. Read. It grows you. There is so much out there that you do not know. 
18. You never stop learning. Never! Keep an eye out for opportunities to learn something in every encounter or event. 
19. Life is full of surprises, but detours aren’t always a bad thing.
20. Be patient with yourself and others. 
21. If it’s what you want, go for it! Having regrets is not a nice feeling. 
22. It will be okay. Worry doesn’t serve you and the rain clouds won’t remain forever. 
23. Sometimes you will need holding up - friends and family
24. Celebrate your successes, even the small ones. This keeps you going. 
25. Trust your gut instincts. I’ve never known mine to let me down. 
26. You are capable of saying no to and walking away from things that do not serve you (without feeling bad about it). 
27. Keep shining!

xoxo 

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

Note to Self: Be You!

Dear Self, 

Do not be afraid to be you! 

A very bold and strong fist statement I know, 

But I am afraid this may be the only way to get through to you. 

I see you hold your breath mid-sentence, mid-thought, mid-motion, 

Just so you can pull yourself back, 

Back into the confines of what seems normal and acceptable. 

I see you alter your words, your wardrobe, your life choices,

Just so you can fit in, 

Fit into the seemingly neat restrictions of the worlds ill placed expectations and presumptions. 

Please stop? 

Do not be afraid you be you! 

Who am I, you ask?

You are whoever you want to be. 

Your random thoughts, your crazy desires, your unexpected dreams, 

Your ginormous hopes and your treacherous fears… You! 

Own it. 

Do not pull yourself back to fit into what they say. 

Do not change yourself to suit what they want. 

Be you.

Carry yourself boldly, fearlessly, unapologetically.  

And remember always YOU ARE MAGIC. 

It needs no explanation, it just is. 

Love always, 

Me. 

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

There is a famous quote by Marianne Williamson that goes, “It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” It is taken from a piece that starts off with noting that “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” I think these powerful words ring true in so many ways and one of the things that have come to my mind repeatedly over the last month is how for so long I have been extremely apologetic about myself and my life choices. Some of them being things I have carefully thought through and decisions I have consciously made but would shy away from sharing because they do not fit into the confines of what society deems as acceptable. As a result, I have never publicly taken ownership of them. 

I have also been thinking a lot lately about how there are things I really want to do but have never done because of what I think or believe other people with say about me. I am often conscious about the things I say in public, on this blog and on my social media because of how I think it will be perceived. I change the clothes what I wear sometimes, not because of how they make me feel but because of the impression they may have on the people around me. This is not me saying there is anything wrong with these thoughts and displaying the described attributes, in fact, I think it is all part of having a high emotional intelligence which for the most part is good HOWEVER… Despite having lost all my self confidence some years ago and slowly reclaiming it back I have always thought of myself as a fearless and unapologetic person. I realise now that I may not be because of constant conscious and subconscious moderation. Am I doing myself and everyone around me a favour by censoring my true self? Who wins when I decide not to do something I want to do because of an outside influence?

One of the first choices I decided to take ownership of when this dawned on me was the fact that it has been almost two years since I alone last went to church. I am unapologetic about that because it was a conscious decision I made over a year ago but because of society could never bring myself to SAY I don't go to church. Perhaps I will leave this for a blog post on another day. 

I ramble a lot and that is also one of the parts of me that I fight to supress daily, but in conclusion I  hope I have shared something worth thinking about: 

-      * Wear that velvet top and those green shoes if you want to

-      * Cut your hair short if you want to 

-      * Be picky about who you engage with OR engage with everyone if you want to

If you want to do something and decide not to do it at least be aware of the reasons why you have chosen to be other than yourself. Most importantly remember that you are magic, it needs no explanation, it just is!

Keep Shining

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

I Tried

“To try and fail; is better than failing to try” they said.

So, I made an attempt.

I tried.

I put my fears aside.

I stared uncertainty in the eye,

And there I was again,

Vulnerable to the consequences of “putting yourself out there”.

Trying.

I am on the other side now.

My fears seeming much smaller than before my attempt.

My wounds remind me of what I have overcome,

They ache initially,

But as they heal they leave only scars of remembrance.

Tomorrow I will try again,

Maybe fortune will be on my side.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

 A short story about the inspiration behind this piece: 

I thought I was over relationships and very happy alone then I met someone nice and thought, “Oooh let me give this a try!” To cut a very long story short that attempted relationship clearly didn’t lead to anything for several reasons BUT at the very least we all got this blog post out of it: the moral being TRY! 

I honestly think I do single very well. I’m quite happy being alone. I don’t struggle with feeling lonely (maybe also because of baby boy) and I’m always kept busy with work and school for the greater part of my life. I also have a large circle of amazing friends who give me more than enough attention when I crave it so for the most part i’m good. However, this encounter did debunk a few of my previous misconceptions: 

1.      

I am too busy to be in a relationship and I just don’t have the time.

It’s a lie. Yes, my life is hectic but time can be made. Possibly my “lack of time” may have contributed to the subsequent failure of the attempted relationship but for a minute I actually managed to engage mwanakoma wevamwe vanhu.

2.  

I have commitment and trust issues.

I do, but I now believe that when you come across a good munhu (note I did not say "the one") some/most of these things seize to play a pivotal role in making the decision to date or not to date.

3.  

Hazvishande.

In an ideal world these things (relationships) may actually have the potential to work out. Yes, I was not a believer before and I may have been converted!! Crazy, right?

So yes, I put myself out there for the first time in a very long time and I didn’t die. I didn’t weep buckets after it didn’t work out (maybe that’s telling of something else) but I am really proud of myself for successfully opening myself up to the possibility of something. I learnt a lot about myself and my outlook on relationships has shifted slightly. So, as a result, I’m a little excited about what the future may hold. In the meantime, let me get back to caring mostly about myself, my son and my work - life is definitely less stressful that way!

Keep shining!! :) 

P.S. Shout out to my mom who reads ALL my blog posts! Posts like this one tend to result in short awkward conversations so this is me mentally preparing myself (YIKES!). I love you Mom!!

Work – Life, Balance?

As with everything else on my blog I do not claim to be an expert who has mastered it. I am literally going through life trying to figure things out and unfortunately making the mistake of documenting some of it. Sometimes I look back at the things I write and think, ‘Wow, this is golden!” or “Oh my word what were you thinking?” 

Anyway, one of the things I wanted to write about was how to create a balance between work and life. I work full time, but I am also halfway through my PhD and have a 3-year-old son. It really is a lot and on most days I am completely exhausted. Sometimes it is just mental fatigue where I literally can’t think anymore and sometimes it’s physical fatigue where my body is completely shattered. I have in no way mastered this balance thing but there are a few things that I have found to help along the way and I wanted to share a few of them below. 

1)   Plan

"Planning is bringing the future into the present so that you can do something about it now."

Allan Lakem

I am a woman of to-do lists. I struggle to function without them and on the day that I make the mistake of starting off without a clearly defined agenda I find myself running around from item to item like a headless chicken and not actually getting anything done. So I plan. I like to plan my day and sometimes it goes all the way down from the actual activity to be done to the hour it should be done. It helps me be objective about what I can or cannot do each day/week/month and it also helps me be strategic about what needs to be done. My to-do lists push me to do more when I start to feel complacent because they stare back at me from my desktop and notebooks reminding me of the multiple tasks at hand. They push me forward to get things done because of the satisfaction that comes with having something ticked off my list. They practically keep me sane but in the broader scope of things I am a planner. I like to have plans in place for everything that I can plan. It allows me to make projections about the short and long-term future so that I can be better prepared for anything that comes my way. I think it makes me more efficient. I’d also like to note here that I plan everything, it’s not just work but also the leisurely things too. They also need to go on the agenda. They are just as important so on my to do list you will find random things like plan lunch with friend x for the week of June 14. My friendships are important to me so I am intentional about carving out time for and planning for them otherwise it wont happen. You will see what I mean in the next items below. 

2)   Be intentional about rest

"Life is all about balance. You don't always need to be getting stuff done. Sometimes it's perfectly Okay , and absolutely necessary, to shut down, kick back and do nothing." 

Lori Deschene 

When you feel you need to have a break, take it! I am sure there is a smart psychological theory about this in some text book but what I have found is that taking time out does wonders for my work output. One day or an afternoon off can increase my efficiency when I get back to work so I do take time off. I plan it in advance when I know I will have long stretches of intense work and when the time comes I shut off and rest. This works hand in hand with the planning strategy in item number 1, when I am intentional about my rest days and they are planned ahead of time my work should not suffer because I have taken a day or 1 week away from it. 

3)   Be intentional about the ‘other’ things you want to do

"Time is a created thing. To say "I don't have time," is like saying, "I don't want to." 

Lao Tzu 

Time to do things will never create itself. In our busy schedules we often find ourselves saying things like, “I don’t have time to go to the gym” and “I don’t have time to do this and that.” With that mentality it is highly likely that you really won’t have the time to do those things, however, one of the things that I have found is that if you intentionally carve out time for the things that matter to you and the things that you want to do everything else that “keeps you busy” simply has to fall in line. So for example one of the things I am extremely intentional about is time with my son. While I work from 7am-5pm on Monday to Friday every day after work I make sure I have at least 2 hours with my son before he goes to bed and also every weekend is dedicated Malachi time. This means that weather I am done with work or not I leave by 6pm (on most days) so that I can spend time with my son. It means that on weekend I can’t be at the office and whatever I do do has to be Malachi friendly. Things don’t always go as planned (life is like that) BUT what I have found is that when I have set a time to be elsewhere (at home with Malachi) I made sure that while I am at work I am as productive as possible so that I leave the office by 6pm. I spend less time talking in the kitchen because I know I need to get stuff done and be gone by 6. 

4)    Work smart

"If I had six hours to cut down a tree, I'd spend the first four sharpening the saw." 

Abraham Lincoln 

Those that know me well enough know that I am actually quite lazy. I prefer working smart to working hard. I think there is a book out there about this somewhere and both can sometimes be synonymous but basically when working I try to be as efficient and strategic as possible. Where things can be simplified and made easier they should be. Being at your desk from 7-5pm without getting much done isn’t working hard or smart. Time is precious, and we must treat it as such. You must be actively thinking of ways to make your life easier. In terms of work this may not be easy or applicable to everyone because a lot of people don’t have flexibility about what they do at work but where things can be made easier they must be. I am not sure if this point makes any sense but I’ll leave it here for future reference.

5)   Focus on one thing and do it as best as you can in the time you have allocated to it

"To do two things at once is to do neither."

Publilius Syrus

Having your mind in one place is so so powerful. This is a lesson I learnt years and years ago and it has stuck with me since. Sometimes we are busy trying to get several things done at once and a lot of the time is messes up our output for everything. So what I tend to do is focus on pieces of work and get them done then move on to the next thing. This might be unique to me only because I have clearly segmented pieces of work, so I could on one day be focusing on a paper I am writing and work to get that done and then on the next day move on to something PhD related and get that done in the morning before moving on to analysing some data in the afternoon. It doesn’t help you to have your mind in 50 different places. I have noticed sometimes when I carry my work stress home Malachi asks me, “Mhamha why are you mad?” My time with Malachi would automatically be ruined because my mind is still at work. I know this is easier said than done a lot of the time but if you do train your mind to compartmentalize I have found this to be very helpful. It protects my rest/ ”other” time form distractions and it also increases my efficiency with work. 

So anyway, the inspiration behind this post was a conversation I have been having a lot with one of my friends lately and that is basically centred around the fact that I want to do more. I know I am doing a lot but I also feel like there is more I can and should be doing. I am also surrounded by some extremely phenomenal people who are doing some really amazing work and what sets these people apart from everyone else is that they push themselves to go the extra mile. They are trailblazers on so many fronts, they start things. I want to do more because I feel like I can. This may not be the case for everyone out there, however,  it’s good to check yourself regularly and see where you can fit in any additional things you feel would be beneficial for yourself and your community both now or in the future. This might seem like a slight tangent, but I really don’t want my life to be one sided. I don’t want paediatric and adolescent HIV to be the only thing I know 10 years from now. I have other interests and so I need to identify them and be intentional about creating space for them in my life now. I want to read, I want to write, I want to travel, I want to volunteer, I want to grow. A very powerful woman I connected with recently and now look up to says repeatedly, "You become very boring very quickly, if all you ever talk about is your work." She is right, we are not created to be one dimensional beings. While there is an epidemiologist in me I know there is also a creator, a writer, an orator, a philanthropist, a mother, a lover...

To summarise I will share a quote by Breena Clarke that I have been repeating to my friend since January, “Try more things. Learning to swim won’t stop you from reading Shakespeare. Finding your voice won’t stop you from writing novels. You should be cooking on all four burners.” 

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari 

Keep shining!