Just in Case You Come Looking

“I will put this here,

Where only those who come looking will find it.

Etched away in plain sight,

Exposed but in a safe place.

I will leave this here.

Just in case you come looking.”

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

I always put things that I think are important in a “safe place” for when I need them. Unfortunately, a lot of the time I forget where that safe place is and when the need arises I search and search and search in morbid frustration. I curse myself for being so foolish, for outsmarting my own self. It happens far too many times and I don’t know what to do about it.

Anyway, this post is not about my Barclays Visa card or my “special occasions only” pen. This post is about my heart. This post is about how I feel that in some ways I have treated my heart like that and tucked it away somewhere “safe”. I have tried to safeguard it but in such a way that when the time comes…when He comes, he will find it.

This piece was inspired by two things, a quote I read and couldn’t get over and a special man I met who I hope will read this one day and know that our chance or not so chance encounter inspired me to write! The quote reads:

“Never let anyone awaken your heart before they have shown their willingness to stay and let love grow, the last thing your heart needs is another tombstone.”

A. N. Moore

Keep Shining!

My Blogging Journey: Blog Post #100!!!

“A woman who writes has power, and a woman with power is feared.” —Gloria Anzaldúa,”Speaking in Tongues”

I started my blog in February 2013 and my very first post was an expression of something that resonates deeply with me now still: “I Am My Greatest Asset”. I wrote about how if the world took away everything I own - as long as I am still alive there is one thing that I will always remain with and that thing is Chido. My first post was a declaration of how I would find my identity, invest in myself, take care of myself and most importantly LOVE myself.

In an amazing and unintentional way, my blogging journey has been about all that. I have written pieces about things that resonate very strongly with me. I have written pieces when I am filled with joy and I have also written pieces with tears rolling down my cheeks while in bed at night. My blog has been my voice and a release for things I could not say publicly. It has been a template for many of the BIG moments in my life; having my son and the things motherhood has taught me, achieving things I did not think I could like getting my first and second degree, all the heartaches and heartbreaks I have suffered at the hands of men I was once in love with or thought I was in love with and also many of my crazy adventures around the world. I have blogged about my life and posted many things where I often felt afraid to share because they were such a candid expression of my soul and my life amidst so much uncertainity.

I look back at my old posts and I’ve found that over the years I have become more and more honest with myself and through the openness of my writing I have found that the things that I write and share here are experiences lived by so many other people who inbox me and share about how they too have experienced the things I have. I read a quote recently by Anais Nin and she says, “The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.” This has shown itself to be true. Often the things I cannot speak, I write.

I have had years where I couldn’t write. Where I couldn’t bring myself to even feel let alone write my feelings down and when I look through my blog I can see those vacant spaces in my life. This is the part where you come in! On so many occasions, it has been a nudge from a friend that has brought me back to writing. I did not start my blog with the intention for people to read but it has been such a great reassurance to find that people do read. Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me to write and thank you to everyone who has read any of the first 100 posts. You mean so much to me and I pray that my rantings have encouraged, inspired or at the very least entertained you. Thank you.

The truth is I didn’t think I would keep this up for so long. The other truth is that I have enjoyed it immensely and I will continue to write.

“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”
― Winston S. Churchill

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Keep Shining

Dear Friend

I am writing to let you know that I am proud of you.

Despite all the unfair obstacles the universe has thrown at you, 

You have done so well. 

I want you to know this because I know that sometimes you doubt yourself.

I know that you are often uncertain of your progress.

I know you are always craving for more and want to do better. 

But, I want you to know that you have already done so well! 

I also want you to know that you are strong. 

I want you to remember that because I know that sometimes things can get difficult. 

I know that sometimes you feel tired and weak and want to give up. 

Don't do it! 

No challenge is too big and no obstacle too much. 

You can do it and you will make it. 

Take each day as it comes, 

And rest when you must darling, 

Rest. 

It will all be okay in the end. 

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari 

Image Source: Mia Mashiri
@tinashe_mia

I started writing this with one person in mind, however, as I was writing so many more loves of my life came to mind. So I decided to share it here. If the message speaks to you please do take it for yourself (I did).

Keep Shining 😊

Guest Blog: Excerpts from My Life, The Book

Sometimes something happens in your life that you never planned to happen. You never planned it to happen but you see it coming. Devastating but freeing. Vague, I know. But this something happened to me. I was stuck in a place I saw no future in but still held on and hoped for the best. Giving my best to something that deserves less than average. God has a way of knowing our deepest desires and He knew mine. When this something happened I was devastated. Words were to heavy to come out my mouth so I turned to paper. In my quest for healing a book evolved with excerpts from my life - what it was before the something, during the something and after the something. I am finally free.

ENTRY #0

I wish i didnt want to always write about you 

But you broke me into a million pieces 

But with each written piece 

A piece of me is restored 

So i must write a million times 

Plus one 

That one is for me

- aftermath of you

ENTRY #1 

I dont want you to to think this book is about you. 

It may come strange to you that something is not about you

It was always about you. 

My saddness-you. 

My happiness-you. 

You took and took until there was nothing to take. 

I was spent. 

We were about you. 

Your hope 

Your dreams 

Your future. 

You took and took until there was nothing to take. 

I was spent. 

The little that was left I poured on paper. 

To fuel. 

I wrote and wrote and there is more to write. 

This book is not about you. 

It is for me. 

Im reclaiming and reclaim until there is nothing to claim. 

This book is for me.

ENTRY #1209

I eventually wish for you to mean nothing 

Not lost dreams 

Disappointment 

Or pain 

Just nothing 

Absolutely nothing 

Nothing

ENTRY #3 

I forgive 

Again

Again 

And I gain

ENTRY #800900

Here is to love 

Endless smiles 

And booming laughter 

Thank you for life 

Thank you for everything 

He is everything  

- him

A . M

I wept...

I had so much to say.

Words bubbled up inside me,

and My emotions swelled up,

Rising rising like a volcano within me they erupted.

The flood gates burst open and I wept.

I wept for the times I did not say anything, 

I wept for all times I did and was not heard nor understood, 

I wept for the first time and the last time it happened.

I was broken.

And as I lay there shaking I tried once more to piece myself together again, 

To draw up all the pieces that were shattered, 

To collect back all that I had given away,

And all that had been taken from me.

I tried to bring myself back together again, 

To mend myself,

To heal.

I had so much to say,

But only the walls were there to listen to my beating broken heart,

Because when he was done, 

He slept. 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

Some posts are difficult to explain. 

Keep Shining! 

Dear Future Self

I wonder if you still remember me,

I wonder how you are doing,

I wonder if you have accomplished all our dreams,

Or if our dreams have grown and changed,

If they have shifted and morphed to bigger and better ambitions,

Or realities.

I wonder if you are happy.

If you are looking back at me with awestruck eyes,

And a heart willfully encouraging me to press on,

Wishing me to worry not because you are happy.

I worry about you sometimes,

I worry about letting you down,

I worry about not paving the way well enough for you now.

I hope you are doing well.

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari

Image Source: Nakai Kazhanje
@sihle_kazh

I think about the future a lot and I also do a lot of retrospective thinking. I know people who are older than me will read this and tell me not to worry because things will be okay. Granted I'm also a believer in things being okay in the end but I'm also a believer in making purposeful decisions and mindful steps to get to where I want to be.

There are things burning in my heart and I know if I don't act nothing is going to miraculously make them come to pass. I know I have to work hard and I know that 20 years from now I don't want to look back at present day Chido and feel like I let myself down. So I look forward, I look to Chido 20 years from now in the hopes of not letting her down. I have a feeling one of the things she would tell me is RELAX WOMAN! Everyone does and I always plead guilty to that one but the lesson I'd like to share that I learnt when rereading this letter to myself is this: In everything that you do today be conscious of tomorrow. The decisions you make now have an impact on and make vibrations till eternity. It's important.

There is a quote by Warren Buffet that stuck me last week and he said, "Someone is sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago." PLANT! I have a son and undoubtedly one of my biggest drivers to work hard and SMART is my baby boy, I want to leave a legacy for him. I want him to have a good life. What I do now is not only critical for my future but for his as well.

I'm not advocating for big scary moves here, no. It's the little things:

• If you have the opportunity to, advance your education. Invest in yourself. 
• If you can, save some money. Open a savings account. Deposit a small amount every month. You never know when that will come in handy for future you. 
• Be disciplined about certain things! If there is something you have always wanted to do do it. Start that video blog, what do you have to lose? Register that business! Start writing that book. Nothing hurts more than having regrets. Don't carry "what if's" into your future. 
• If there is something you have always wanted to change about yourself change it. Wake up earlier. Make healthier decisions for your life - eat well, exercise. Spend more time with your mother and your father. 

Be purposeful about the decisions you make.

Do things future you will be grateful for.

And most importantly...

Keep Shining!!

On finding someone...

"Who gave you the right to walk into my life and act like you belong,

How dare you fit so effortlessly into the puzzle that is MY life,

As if it were tailored that way,

You, Me, Us..."

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari

This is how I imagine it should be when I meet that person; effortless and as if it was always meant to be. I imagine it this way because one of the excuses I have always given for being single is that I honestly don't have the time to nurture and be present for someone in the midst of being a single mother, a sister, a friend, a daughter an employee and a student among other things.

My days are tough and while I always endeavor to be the best person I can be in all my roles I often struggle to find time for myself. The idea of having to give more of myself to someone else to the extent that I give enough for them, our relationship and everyone else at the same time is daunting. How can I? I've seen friends and family get into relationships and every other relationship becomes strained as a result and the things that used to matter seize to be as important. Things that used to set their hearts on fire; their career and life goals become compromised. I'm not saying this happens in all cases, in many instances I have also seen people blossom into better versions of themselves too. In my life though, I don't see how I can do justice to everyone and everything that at present is very important to me. Important and also at the same time taking so much out of me to succeed at.

The paradox though in my case is that in the midst of this I have seen glimpses of what I imagine it should be like. I've seen what it's like when someone comes into your life to compliment who you are and all the craziness that surrounds you. For someone to be patient with you and understand all your obligations. For someone to be efficient and help you solve problems. I've seen what it's like to have a tiny oasis of peace, to have someone bear the load with you and hold your hand when you need that support.

I have seen pieces of that and when it happens I'm often taken aback. The phrases "Who gave you the right?" and "How dare you?" come to mind. This is MY life, my load to bear, my space. It is right? But now I've found that this person isn't meant to be "an additional", they are supposed to fit INTO the picture and in fact become a part of something more wholesome. Time with them isn't supposed to take away from time with my son, it isn't meant to make it more difficult for me to be present for my friends, siblings and parents. I'm supposed to partner with someone who helps me be better. Someone who through  talking to and doing life with helps me be more effective in pursuing my dreams. And because I have seen glimpses of this I believe it can happen and I'm hopeful. I mean why not?


Keep Shining!