The Whispers of a Memory

Present but in the past,

A reality once lived but now felt like a healing scar.

She was a memory,

A reminder of what was,

An echo of remembrance,

Gentle like the rays of a setting sun,

Rhythmic like the waves at sea,

Just within earshot like a September wind,

She lingered.

Like a long awaited tight embrace, released.

Like a dream moments after you awake, slipping.

Just within reach like the lyrics to a melody forgotten.

Present but in the past.

A reality once lived but now felt like a healing scar.

The whispers of a memory.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

I lost a good friend of mine early this year. There are gentle reminders of her everywhere. I stumble upon pictures of us when I look though my gallery. I think about her when I have questions to ask about parenting; when is a good time to start potty training? Sometimes there are conversations to be had where I feel only she would have understood. There were places we had planned to go and things we had wanted to do. She is gone now but remains with me still. I guess the toughest bit is when I think about her and then remember that she is gone. I can’t send her a random Whatsapp message anymore and the only place when she is truly alive is in my memories but even those begin to fade with time.  

He Prayed for Forgiveness

He was a man who had made a few mistakes on the way.

There were wrongs he had sired which could not be undone.

They hung low in the abyss of his current life.

Just within reach,

Low enough to knock him off his feet and onto his knees.

He prayed for forgiveness,

Looking up and asking the gods to release him.

To break free the shackles that bound him so tightly.

The restraints that gripped his lungs till he felt he could not breathe,

Suffocated.

Surrounded by a darkness that crept into his soul and left him weak.

He prayed for forgiveness.

That if only the voices that whirled in his mind could stop.

If only he could have peace,

Rest.

His wrongs could not be undone.

He was a man who had made a few mistakes on the way.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This piece was inspired by observation. When you watch the people around you it can sometimes spark emotion within you and then sometimes it’s as if you can also feel their lived experiences. It might be a lot more or less intense in reality but the impact is real.

It’s also amazing how when we are down to the last straw we turn to prayer. Begging God to show up, to help us, to release us.

2 Chronicles 7:14

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

Keep shining :) 

She was a STAR!

She was a star,

A rising star

The main actor in the show that was her life.

Lights, camera, ACTION!

She was on display,

Displayed for all to see.

To marvel at her magnificence,

Her aura.

The beauty that was her smile,

The confidence that she wore,

Draped so gracefully on her being,

From head to toe,

This was HER life.

It was HER show,

And she was a STAR.

A rising star!

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This is a piece about SELF. It is a piece about owning your life and your space. It is a piece about having confidence in yourself and who you are. It is a piece about standing tall despite what the world might see and despite their glaring eyes. It is a piece about progress, about not quite being where you want to be but rising still.

It isn’t inspired by anything in particular, well nothing I am consciously aware of so I’ll end off here with this quote, “She attracted people to her; she had presence, an uncommon magnetism. Documenting her effect on her habitat, a naturalist would likely have compared her to a lioness: strong, sleek, and invariably surrounded by her pride.” – The Reluctant Fundamentalist 


Keep shining :)

How Did We Get Back Here?

"We must not be anything other than what we are, he reminded himself. We are and so we will be. We are here, in these days of locusts and noise, but it has been written that this shall pass, and so it will." -Beneath the Lion's Gaze

How did we get back here?

We ducked and we dived,

We ran and we hid,

We'd escaped at the very least,

But like our shadows reappearing at dawn,

Our demons caught up with us.

We thought we had conquered,

We'd moved above and beyond,

Far from it all.

We bid that bitter past goodbye.

We were free,

But like this was their home,

Our demons caught up with us.

Again!

We'd fought so hard,

We'd weathered many storms,

We'd willed our hearts to forget,

To never look back.

We had conquered.

And yet rising on que like the sun,

Our demons caught up with us.

How did we get back here?

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

My pieces are candid and always come from the heart; written late at night or scrambled on a piece of paper urgently. Most times they are raw and incomplete expressions of something on the inside fighting to come out. Most times I don't like the loose ends and there are plenty bits that I don't quite understand but alas; it is what it is.

After finishing this piece I realize I may have a little bit of a theme going on this month - dealing with the past. I struggle with mine. I struggle mostly with keeping it there. Just when I start to relax reminders always pop up and there it is again. Starring me in the face and I have to rework my way back again.

I don't know why but I feel this is somewhat how dealing with depression is like. Sometimes there are good days where you feel happy and then just around the corner that deep dark hole reappears.

Okay, so I get none of that might be making any sense right now so let me try zone it in and bring it home. Have you ever tried to break a bad habit? For example something like biting your nails? When you start the guns are always blazing and you are determined and then for a while you succeed, right? Then you think you've got this and put away your guns then just when you've eased into things and you are all relaxed you find yourself subconsciously biting your nails again. That's kinda what this piece is about. Fighting and falling.

But it's also got a twist to it in that the fight is continuous. Yes you might fail and land yourself at square one again but you keep at it. you Fight some more! It's not a defeated or despondent piece. It's a warriors piece but the only connotation that I couldn't get past is that "the demons are ours". So if they are ours where else would they go because this is actually home?

Keep shining 😊

You are The One

It was you all along.

It has always been you.

You are the one that I loved.

The one that molded and shaped,

That twisted and bended,

Scarred,

My heart.

It was you all along.

It has always been you.

You are the one that I loved.

The one that I gave myself to,

Whole.

So Innocently and effortlessly I gave, 

My heart.

It was you all along.

It has always been you. 

You whose betrayal remains imprinted.

Holding me ransom to how I now know,

My heart.

It can be molded and shaped,

Twisted and bended,

Scarred.

It was you all along.

You are the one.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This post was inspired by retrospective thinking and events currently happening in the lives of two lovers that I happen to love dearly and am also very close to. It is based on my own past experience and digs into how I feel a lot of who I am today and my "heart situation" is as a result of past experience or more specifically one bad experience imprinted.

It sucks that it is the times we get burnt that we remember more clearly and oftentimes it is those encounters that leave scars which serve as reminders long after the event. It sucks that most times you can only forget until you are reminded and that forgiveness takes a lot more than just willing away negative feelings. It is a process and heart processes like forgiveness are often the most difficult ones. There is no formula, no timeline, no stamp of completeness.

There is a popular saying that goes something along the lines of the ones we love the most also have the most power to hurt us. Love leaves you venerable and yet it's that openness and venerability that makes love love. Romans 5:8 says, "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." A paradox.

This post isn't about pointing fingers though; kuti ndiwe wakandikanya and you are the reason I'm so cold and bitter. To be honest I'm not entirely sure what it is about and kinda wish that today I had been able to write a bit more about moving past the defining moments when loved ones hurt, betray or dissapoint us and how that is done. That's a post for another day I suppose and today I will have to leave it at that.

Keep shining 😊

8 Things I've Learnt While I've been SINGLE!

Anyone who knows me knows that since forever there has always been someone. I'm not sure why this was (analysis for another day) but for the first time in my life I've had a really long period of 'singledom' and have actually been enjoying it (shock on me!). I honestly don't think it's only because I've got Malachi to keep me company and I'm busy with work as well as school; I truly feel that It's a soul happy where I've genuinely been at peace with myself and I'm perfectly content with going through the paces of this stage of my life as Chido.

Anyway I thought it would be cool to share a list of some of the things I've learnt while I've been single. 

1.

It's OKAY to be single.

It's not a shortcoming on your part. I don't know what else I can say here except that it really is OKAY! It doesn't hurt. Best before dates and marriage anxiety are a thing of the past for me. I know for some people these play a dominant role but I honestly feel in the bigger scope of things it really is OKAY. You don't need to pressure yourself. It might be that I haven't hit the third floor (30) yet though. LOL 

2.

There is more to me. 

In a way this has been a journey of self discovery. It's amazing the things you discover about yourself when they aren't hinging on someone else. When there are fewer consultations and only you get to decide where you'd like to be on a Saturday afternoon or Thursday evening decisions really are mostly about you and what YOU enjoy. The question here would then be who to do all this stuff with and this leads me on to lesson #3.... 

3.

I have AMAZING friends. 

Friends can sometimes go neglected when there is a significant other, needless to say mine haven't experienced ANY neglect in the months past. I love my friends and I'm glad I've had so much time to enjoy their love and presence in my life, they have always been there and I've known this  at the back of my mind but in this season I've really seen them stand and shine as pillars in my life. Guys! Friends are like FREE resources for EVERYTHING! They are literally on call 24/7 and love you unconditionally. Truthfully my friends have been abused but I wish I had tapped into this sooner!

4.

Being with someone, when the time comes will only be to add to an already wholesome life. 

Now I know I don't NEED someone. I know having someone in my life is an intentional choice not because of some inadequacy or gap left wanting. Companionship is great but life can be just as fulfilling while you are single. For some reason I haven't felt lonely. It might be that my life is generally busy with the baby on top of everything else and it may also be that I have a strong army of friends. I also haven't held back on trying out new things, travelling and connecting with new people. I've generally been so busy this past year+ and looking back the question is more of when would I have found the time to slot in a boyfriend. LOL 

5.

I like my space. 

I know relationships aren't about this but I like making my own decisions. I like not having to be accountable about where I am going, who I am with, how I spent my day, what my plan is for the next 10 years. I like that I can have my own structure without the added input of another. I like that I can do what I like with my hair without someone else's opinion mattering (my hair has really been through a lot!). I like taking short vacations on a whim. I like not having to leave the house all weekend. I like that I have the room to do that with zero questions asked (slight disclaimer here: I have to tell my parents because I still live under their roof but it's different with the parents).

6.

I have issues to sort through. 

It's easy to date someone and go through the paces of a relationship but having this time alone has made me aware of some of the things I have to deal with within. Some of the things I had overlooked previously. It made me realize how being with someone is a purposeful act and how in order to bring as well as receive the necessary share in a relationship being aware of your shortcomings can go a long way not only for yourself but for your partner as well.

7.

The prospect of "the one" is so exciting! 😂 

I think I'm at that single phase where I believe in LOVE and finding someone and the thing about a clean slate is you have room to dream and fantasize about "Prince Charming", mainly because I don't have to 'play him down' to anyone in my radius. I have been free to become aware of the character traits and personality of a guy I'd like to be with, the things he would value and the way he would make me feel. I think now I'm better able to spot a "Not Prince Charming" because I've had so much time to mold one.

8.

Companionship is worthwhile. 

At the end of the day it would be nice to do life with someone who HAS TO go out with me when I'm craving prawns, when I want to go watch a movie or have to attend a friends party or family gathering. Having someone with a shared chemistry to laugh at random things with, share your hearts desires with and your fears with is nice. I feel that while I'm viva "team single" chimwe nechimwe chinenguva yacho (each and every thing has its own time). Being with someone when the time is right most definitely has its perks. I'm looking forward to it and if for some reason that doesn't happen it's still okay too. 😉

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Keep shining :)

It’s Easy To Forget

It's easy to forget,
When time goes by,
and the years stack up.
When life crowds your space,
and clouds your mind,
It's easy to forget.

To forget,
Why you started,
and the passion that drove you.
Why you took this path in the first place,
and why you are here.
It's easy to forget.

To forget,
That this wasn't just for you,
for the money and nice things.
That the vision didn't end here,
the title and the tasks.
It's easy to forget.

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari

This post was inspired by a conference I attended recently. It has been about 3 years since I finished my undergraduate degree and decided to come back home. The reasons for coming back were varied but I remember having this strong drive to "make a difference in my country". I remember when I started working in the community and the sense of purpose I had when I'd wake up to go to work every morning. When I worked with the children and saw them every day I felt strongly that I was fulfilling exactly that which I had so passionately written down in my university application forms, "giving back and making a difference!”

The first clinic I worked at- Budiriro Polyclinic

But as time passed all of this sort of slipped away. I guess "life" started happening or something because my focus sort of shifted to other things. I started getting more concerned about Me. Thinking about how I wasn't getting paid enough for the work I did. Thinking about how I wanted to do abcde with MY life. The focus had shifted and with that came a lot of dissatisfaction. Work became more mundane and I thought maybe this was simply because I had now moved away from the clinic setting and didn't get to see the patients I had been working so excitedly for. I started just going through the routines of life and thoughts of leaving the country crept in. I wasn't miserable or anything but I had lost that drive.

Me doing a rapid HIV test. I actually miss this.

This conference reminded me WHY I decided to come back to Zimbabwe. Why I chose to do my second degree and why the research I am doing is so important. It goes beyond just ME and in a way I've found that purpose again. That driving factor that allows me to dig deeper within myself and look forward to getting to work each day. Not to say that things like money and having to do abcde with your life don't matter but it's surprising to note that sometimes while you are busy taking care of what's important for your neighbour God is working hard at sorting out all of your stuff.

This is a lesson I feel I keep having to remind myself now (I used to be so much better at it) but yes, sometimes, we get stuck in a rut where we really shouldn't be. Sometimes we get so dissatisfied with what's on the outside when it's hardly the issue. Not to say that things on the outside are great but sometimes when you are stuck in a rut and "struggling" or "suffering" you need to trace your steps back and figure out why you started. Figure out what the vision was. It might be that you are in school and your grades are low and you've lost the drive completely, it might be a work situation like it was for me or it could be a relationship even with a friend or family member that has now grown cold or distant, it may even be your walk with God or any task you may have taken up or challenged yourself to accomplish.

My workspace. This was literally my office.

As always I hope this blog post will be able to help you with whatever it is that came to mind for you to as you read :)

Keep shining!