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God

I know I made that promise to you,

All those years ago.

Eight to be exact.

I promised that if you mended it,

My beating broken heart,

I would keep it safe from being torn into pieces again.

God,

I am back.

With my heart,

Still a little scarred,

But whole again.

Praying,

Please don’t let him be another one.

He that makes my heart smile

And my spirit hope.

Please don’t let him be another one,

Another one that walks away

And leaves me void,

With a mind full of bitter-sweet memories,

And with tears that may dry on my face,

But a heart scarred once more.

God,

I know I made that promise to you,

All those years ago so

Please don’t let him be another one.

xoxo 

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Have you ever made a bargain with God? They often sound like this, “God if you do this one thing for me I promise I will never do xyz again?” This piece is a mini prayer following on from one of those bargains. After going through what was hopefully the biggest heartbreak of my life I asked God to fix my heart and in return I was going to keep it safe. For a long time I did. I built walls around it and worked hard to stop anyone from coming in. Fast forward to today I’m making another prayer; What if I let someone in?

Beginning Again and others...

What Could Have Been

Ashes of the dream’s past,

And a life lived not so long ago remain.

Etched in our memories

Yet to fade.

And the bruises on our skin

Yet to heal.

All in unison,

Reminding us of what could have been.

Inspiration 

I like to think that I am not that old but over the years one of the things that has become so apparent in my life is all the loss. I have lost family and friends that were close to me and the thing about death is that it doesn’t wait till things are done and dusted. It doesn’t wait till you have lived out each one of your life’s ambitions or till your children have grown old enough to take care of themselves or remember you. The other thing is that while death takes the individual and all the dreams that they had it doesn’t erase every memory from those that are left behind. Years after it still hurts and years later we still think about them. Today on several occasions I thought about two of my friends that passed away and their children. I never know what the trigger is and what I'm supposed to do when I am flooded with memories and the urge to text but today I resolved to be more present with those of my friends that I can still text. 

I Will Write to You 

I will write to you.

The things on my heart I will put on paper.

Just in case my memory fails me. 

I will etch in history my thoughts and my feelings 

Just in case I am not here tomorrow. 

I will leave with you my words forever, 

Written in timeless prose, 

Pieces of me to you. 

I will write to you. 

Inspiration 

I love hand written letters. I have several boxes of them on the top shelve of my wardrobe and sometimes when I am feeling emotional and have time, I take them out, tip them over my bed spread, sit cross legged and read. They take me back in time and I love it. When reading them I can almost feel as if I am reliving the point in time when the letter was written.  I do this with my blog sometimes too. It is part of the reason why I write; to be able to go back in time and ‘feel’ again. I write to my son often, I started writing to him while I was pregnant and hope that one day he will read all the words of affirmation I pencilled down for him and spoke long before he was born. The things we write have the potential to outlive us and most likely will and this post was inspired by a friend of mine who recently wrote a book chapter. I was so happy about that and part of the reason why was that I believe that writing allows you to be a keeper of your own legacy. So I write.

What Matters Most

In a world full of people, 

My God, 

We found each other! 

It must’ve been part of his splendid plan, 

Because why else would you make me smile like so. 

Why else would you make me laugh always? 

Why else would my heart open up so freely?

And my mind do flips at the thought of our banter? 

It must’ve been part of his splendid plan. 

And for now, that is what matters most.

Inspiration 

A deep meaningful conversation with someone I enjoy talking to. 

As a side note though, have you ever thought about why and how certain people come into your life? I mean it doesn’t always have to be extremely profound, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that in most encounters there is a teaching point. I seek these teaching points out intentionally always in friendships that have lasted for years, in failed romantic relationships and in once of chance encounters with people I will never meet again. It is people and my interaction with them that in so many intertwined ways have led me to where I am today. People matter and for that reason I try to be intentional with my relationships. I try to nurture those that nurture me and I give where I am needed but I also try to distance myself from those that I feel can do me harm. I also appreciate that relationships can be seasonal, what grows you today may not grow you tomorrow but also every once in a while, you meet a forever person. The ones that never go away and see you through so many seasons. 

Myself 

I hope I never lose myself, 

In the middle of a crowd, 

Swallowed up by those around me. 

I hope I never lose myself, 

When/If I ever become yoked to another, 

When two become one. 

I hope I never lose myself, 

When I give birth to and begin to nurture my own, 

When my womb brings forth new life.  

I hope I remain true to myself, 

My hopes and dreams, 

My crazy ambitions.

I hope I remain true to myself, 

To the things that make me Me.

Inspiration 

At the end of 2018 I read Becoming by Michelle Obama and it made me mad. It made me so upset and I was ready to rant at whoever would listen. I did and at each interval I was given one explanation or the other about why what I felt like was Michelle losing herself to her husband and children was not that. Some of these explanations included how in life women go through different phases and another was how in life you have to make compromises. I don’t want to pre-empt the book to anyone who hasn’t read it but it left in me a strong desire to want to remain true to myself despite all the changes that might come with the different phases in my life. Despite all the outside forces, despite the possibility of marriage to someone else who has their own hopes and ambitions which might merge to become our ambitions and despite having the privilege to bear and raise children I want to always remain on Chido’s path. Granted Chido’s path might change over the years but I never want to find myself changing my life course or letting go of myself because of outside forces. We interpret things differently though, but this is what I felt after that read. 

Beginning Again 

At that point it mattered not what I had lost. 

It mattered not the journey ahead. 

What lay before me was a fresh start. 

An opportunity to begin again. 

To mould, to shape, to redefine. 

So here I am beginning again. 

(02/01/19)

Inspiration 

At the beginning of the year I decided to cut my hair. I hadn’t had a life changing epiphany but for months I couldn’t shake the idea of cutting my dreadlocks. I had kept them for 6 years before that and many of my friends asked WHY? Their questioning was on the backdrop of how I had struggled for so long to grow them. Then and now, it didn’t matter to me how hard and how long I had kept them. I didn’t want them anymore and all that history wasn’t history enough to keep them. I know I will look at pictures and miss them. I know I will see other people with locs and think of them and I know I will probably grow locs again but in retrospect the whole encounter got me thinking about how when you need to and when you are ready to sometimes you just need to let go of things that you no longer what . You need to let go when something no longer serves you no matter what the history is. Starting afresh is not necessarily a bad thing. Whatever you built before can always be rebuilt. I am not saying throw away everything you have ever worked for, but there is beauty in new growth and I’m not just talking about hair. 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari  

11 Reminders for All My Sisters

1.      

I want you to know that I AM SO VERY PROUD OF YOU.

2.     

In being yourself, YOU INSPIRE ME, DAILY.

3.     

It may not seem like it sometimes, but YOU MATTER TO ME AND A WHOLE LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE. PLEASE DON’T YOU EVER FORGET THIS.

4.     

As sure as the sun baby girl; YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, ON THE OUTSIDE!

5.     

I know you have days of exhaustion. On those days and WHENEVER YOU NEED TO, REST. 

6.     

I believe in you, KEEP PUSHING.

7.     

Remember to KEEP DREAMING. When you have done so, DREAM SOME MORE, WRITE IT DOWN AND READ IT AGAIN LATER. 

8.     

You are following your own path, DON’T MIND THEM.

9.     

It may not seem like it today but EVEN THE TINY STEPS ARE PROGRESS, CELEBRATE. 

10.   

When it creeps up on you; ALLOW HAPPINESS TO FILL YOU UP.

11.   

I am glad you are a part of my life and I hope you know that I LOVE YOU now and always.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

In my adult and semi adult life I have met so many AMAZING women. These women are powerful and strong. They have inspired me in more ways than I could ever list on a blog post. They have defied odds in their lives and many of them are pushing bounds and have already scaled mountains. They are giants and within all of this most, if not all, of them are very delicate and fragile. It is not a bad thing but so many times in conversation with these phenomenal women the discussion has been about pulling each other up and reminding each other that we are enough, that we are worthy and that we are capable. For me, these reminders are important, and they have helped me walk through difficult days and seasons. 

I hope reading these reminders has picked you up a little bit.

Keep Shining! 

Love Letter to Myself

Hi Beautiful,

I know I don’t tell you this often enough, but you truly are breath-taking.

Your smile lifts my spirit and

Your eyes light up the entire room.

I am in awe of you, my love.

You probably don’t see it yourself but

Your body is amazing.

It is!

Your skin is its own chocolate brown,

Your stretch marks form their own unique patterns,

Your birth mark sits perfectly below your collar bone,

Your scars lie hidden in plain sight on your arm,

Those non-existent eyebrows and that nose you inherited from your grandmother are perfect.

Your thighs, although often hidden, are in one word...nice!

And so are your boobs. 

I love the golden colour of your hair and how it refuses to be tamed,

Very much like you.

I know I don’t tell you this often enough, but you truly are breath-taking.

Love

Me.

I have gained a lot of weight over the last few months and it is tough! The negative comments come from everywhere but most importantly from myself. It sucks. I do not like the way I look in the mirror or in pictures and I hate that I am struggling to fit into most of my clothes. So now I am working on it; ever so slowly but I am working on it. 

In the meantime, I really do not want to be in a space where I don’t like myself, so I forced myself to write this piece. I stood in front of the mirror and complimented parts of my body that I did like and ignored the parts I don’t like at the moment because to be quite frank they have been getting way too much attention lately. 

Why did I do this? 

I believe positive self-affirmation is really important. I believe that in life you should be your biggest cheerleader. If additional support and admiration comes from elsewhere that is great, but it should start with me. 

A quote I read recently says, “Just because you’re not thin it doesn’t mean you’re ugly. You are beautiful because of the light you carry inside you. You are beautiful because you say you are and you hold yourself that way.” [Mary Lambert]. That is all. 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

Keep Shining!

Too difficult to Love

This isn’t the sort of heart that you walk right into, 

Finding fresh warm linen ready and waiting for you. 

No. 

This heart is a battlefield. 

Filled with landmines that lay hidden and forgotten, 

Waiting to explode at the slightest movement. 

In the words of those who have gone before you... 

I’m too difficult to love. 

xoxo 

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

I have been told repeatedly the reasons why I am either not desirable or unlikely to ever find someone. I have been told things like you are too independent, too strong, too intimidating, too up tight etc etc. All by potential suitors who eventually give up on their pursuit and move on. Maybe I have just been scarred too many times and my walls are indeed too high. However, I’m often left wondering if it is supposed to be easy for a man to walk into my life and take claim on my heart. 

Is it supposed to be easy? 

Or are you supposed to prove yourself worthy?

In the same spirit I am also aware that I am not a bed of roses or a walk in a park. I have high expectations for him AND for myself. I have issues and emotional baggage; I’m working on both but for now it’s still there. So, for these and other reasons I concede that I am “too difficult to love” and perhaps this is a pursuit to be won only by the brave and strong!

Keep Shining. 

27 lessons before my 27th...

I’m turning 27 this month and I figured that this is the perfect time to do some reflective thinking. Because writing is what I do I decided to create a list of some of the biggest lessons I have picked up along the way and because this is an occasion type list “27 lessons” was the goal. I ended up with tonnes more than 27 so this is an edited list – in no specific order. I hope at least one of these speaks to you… 

1. Be specific about your goals and where you are going. Write it down, say it out loud, repeat it to yourself.
2. Do you and never compare yourself to the next person. Life is so much better that way! 
3. Work hard, it pays. I truly believe and have seen that you reap what you sow.
4. Your happiness comes from within. Don't make it someone else's responsibility. 
5. People matter. At the end of the day it really is all about your circle; your family, your friends, your tribe. Hold onto them. 
6. Give and be a blessing to others. There is something empowering and magical about living beyond just you.
7. Enjoy life and live in the moment. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. 
8. Your time is valuable. Manage it well. You only get what each day gives – 24 hours. 
9. You matter!  
10. Guard your heart and your peace. Be intentional about this. 
11. Speak. It doesn’t matter how you do it but express yourself. 
12. Don’t be held prisoner by things in your head. The other side of your fears isn’t that bad. 
13. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Fight.
14. Travel. The world is a beautiful place.
15. Rest and take good care of yourself.
16. Grow someone - it grows you.
17. Read. It grows you. There is so much out there that you do not know. 
18. You never stop learning. Never! Keep an eye out for opportunities to learn something in every encounter or event. 
19. Life is full of surprises, but detours aren’t always a bad thing.
20. Be patient with yourself and others. 
21. If it’s what you want, go for it! Having regrets is not a nice feeling. 
22. It will be okay. Worry doesn’t serve you and the rain clouds won’t remain forever. 
23. Sometimes you will need holding up - friends and family
24. Celebrate your successes, even the small ones. This keeps you going. 
25. Trust your gut instincts. I’ve never known mine to let me down. 
26. You are capable of saying no to and walking away from things that do not serve you (without feeling bad about it). 
27. Keep shining!

xoxo 

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

Note to Self: Be You!

Dear Self, 

Do not be afraid to be you! 

A very bold and strong fist statement I know, 

But I am afraid this may be the only way to get through to you. 

I see you hold your breath mid-sentence, mid-thought, mid-motion, 

Just so you can pull yourself back, 

Back into the confines of what seems normal and acceptable. 

I see you alter your words, your wardrobe, your life choices,

Just so you can fit in, 

Fit into the seemingly neat restrictions of the worlds ill placed expectations and presumptions. 

Please stop? 

Do not be afraid you be you! 

Who am I, you ask?

You are whoever you want to be. 

Your random thoughts, your crazy desires, your unexpected dreams, 

Your ginormous hopes and your treacherous fears… You! 

Own it. 

Do not pull yourself back to fit into what they say. 

Do not change yourself to suit what they want. 

Be you.

Carry yourself boldly, fearlessly, unapologetically.  

And remember always YOU ARE MAGIC. 

It needs no explanation, it just is. 

Love always, 

Me. 

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

There is a famous quote by Marianne Williamson that goes, “It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” It is taken from a piece that starts off with noting that “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” I think these powerful words ring true in so many ways and one of the things that have come to my mind repeatedly over the last month is how for so long I have been extremely apologetic about myself and my life choices. Some of them being things I have carefully thought through and decisions I have consciously made but would shy away from sharing because they do not fit into the confines of what society deems as acceptable. As a result, I have never publicly taken ownership of them. 

I have also been thinking a lot lately about how there are things I really want to do but have never done because of what I think or believe other people with say about me. I am often conscious about the things I say in public, on this blog and on my social media because of how I think it will be perceived. I change the clothes what I wear sometimes, not because of how they make me feel but because of the impression they may have on the people around me. This is not me saying there is anything wrong with these thoughts and displaying the described attributes, in fact, I think it is all part of having a high emotional intelligence which for the most part is good HOWEVER… Despite having lost all my self confidence some years ago and slowly reclaiming it back I have always thought of myself as a fearless and unapologetic person. I realise now that I may not be because of constant conscious and subconscious moderation. Am I doing myself and everyone around me a favour by censoring my true self? Who wins when I decide not to do something I want to do because of an outside influence?

One of the first choices I decided to take ownership of when this dawned on me was the fact that it has been almost two years since I alone last went to church. I am unapologetic about that because it was a conscious decision I made over a year ago but because of society could never bring myself to SAY I don't go to church. Perhaps I will leave this for a blog post on another day. 

I ramble a lot and that is also one of the parts of me that I fight to supress daily, but in conclusion I  hope I have shared something worth thinking about: 

-      * Wear that velvet top and those green shoes if you want to

-      * Cut your hair short if you want to 

-      * Be picky about who you engage with OR engage with everyone if you want to

If you want to do something and decide not to do it at least be aware of the reasons why you have chosen to be other than yourself. Most importantly remember that you are magic, it needs no explanation, it just is!

Keep Shining

Chido Dziva Chikwari