Dear Future Self

I wonder if you still remember me,

I wonder how you are doing,

I wonder if you have accomplished all our dreams,

Or if our dreams have grown and changed,

If they have shifted and morphed to bigger and better ambitions,

Or realities.

I wonder if you are happy.

If you are looking back at me with awestruck eyes,

And a heart willfully encouraging me to press on,

Wishing me to worry not because you are happy.

I worry about you sometimes,

I worry about letting you down,

I worry about not paving the way well enough for you now.

I hope you are doing well.

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari

Image Source: Nakai Kazhanje
@sihle_kazh

I think about the future a lot and I also do a lot of retrospective thinking. I know people who are older than me will read this and tell me not to worry because things will be okay. Granted I'm also a believer in things being okay in the end but I'm also a believer in making purposeful decisions and mindful steps to get to where I want to be.

There are things burning in my heart and I know if I don't act nothing is going to miraculously make them come to pass. I know I have to work hard and I know that 20 years from now I don't want to look back at present day Chido and feel like I let myself down. So I look forward, I look to Chido 20 years from now in the hopes of not letting her down. I have a feeling one of the things she would tell me is RELAX WOMAN! Everyone does and I always plead guilty to that one but the lesson I'd like to share that I learnt when rereading this letter to myself is this: In everything that you do today be conscious of tomorrow. The decisions you make now have an impact on and make vibrations till eternity. It's important.

There is a quote by Warren Buffet that stuck me last week and he said, "Someone is sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago." PLANT! I have a son and undoubtedly one of my biggest drivers to work hard and SMART is my baby boy, I want to leave a legacy for him. I want him to have a good life. What I do now is not only critical for my future but for his as well.

I'm not advocating for big scary moves here, no. It's the little things:

• If you have the opportunity to, advance your education. Invest in yourself. 
• If you can, save some money. Open a savings account. Deposit a small amount every month. You never know when that will come in handy for future you. 
• Be disciplined about certain things! If there is something you have always wanted to do do it. Start that video blog, what do you have to lose? Register that business! Start writing that book. Nothing hurts more than having regrets. Don't carry "what if's" into your future. 
• If there is something you have always wanted to change about yourself change it. Wake up earlier. Make healthier decisions for your life - eat well, exercise. Spend more time with your mother and your father. 

Be purposeful about the decisions you make.

Do things future you will be grateful for.

And most importantly...

Keep Shining!!

On finding someone...

"Who gave you the right to walk into my life and act like you belong,

How dare you fit so effortlessly into the puzzle that is MY life,

As if it were tailored that way,

You, Me, Us..."

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari

This is how I imagine it should be when I meet that person; effortless and as if it was always meant to be. I imagine it this way because one of the excuses I have always given for being single is that I honestly don't have the time to nurture and be present for someone in the midst of being a single mother, a sister, a friend, a daughter an employee and a student among other things.

My days are tough and while I always endeavor to be the best person I can be in all my roles I often struggle to find time for myself. The idea of having to give more of myself to someone else to the extent that I give enough for them, our relationship and everyone else at the same time is daunting. How can I? I've seen friends and family get into relationships and every other relationship becomes strained as a result and the things that used to matter seize to be as important. Things that used to set their hearts on fire; their career and life goals become compromised. I'm not saying this happens in all cases, in many instances I have also seen people blossom into better versions of themselves too. In my life though, I don't see how I can do justice to everyone and everything that at present is very important to me. Important and also at the same time taking so much out of me to succeed at.

The paradox though in my case is that in the midst of this I have seen glimpses of what I imagine it should be like. I've seen what it's like when someone comes into your life to compliment who you are and all the craziness that surrounds you. For someone to be patient with you and understand all your obligations. For someone to be efficient and help you solve problems. I've seen what it's like to have a tiny oasis of peace, to have someone bear the load with you and hold your hand when you need that support.

I have seen pieces of that and when it happens I'm often taken aback. The phrases "Who gave you the right?" and "How dare you?" come to mind. This is MY life, my load to bear, my space. It is right? But now I've found that this person isn't meant to be "an additional", they are supposed to fit INTO the picture and in fact become a part of something more wholesome. Time with them isn't supposed to take away from time with my son, it isn't meant to make it more difficult for me to be present for my friends, siblings and parents. I'm supposed to partner with someone who helps me be better. Someone who through  talking to and doing life with helps me be more effective in pursuing my dreams. And because I have seen glimpses of this I believe it can happen and I'm hopeful. I mean why not?


Keep Shining!