3 things I have learnt from my 1 year old

#1

How to be Happy: Just Be!

Anyone who has met my son knows just how HAPPY he is. He is always so happy! He smiles effortlessly and at every chance he gets. You can't be mad at him for long and you definitely can't be grumpy around him for too long either. He laughs, he dances, he sings and he loves for everyone around him to participate. Through him I've learnt just how little it takes to be happy. All you have to be is happy. Happiness  not an external force where you have to wait for something to happen. Happiness comes from within. I know that sounds extremely cliche but truth be told through my son I have learnt to be content with today, to see the beauty in small things and to just enjoy the tiny and seemingly insignificant things around me that have the power to lift my spirit instantaneously. Fittingly one of my favorite quotes this year is from James Richardson and he says, "Happiness, like water, is always available, but so often it seems we'd prefer a different drink." For my son and I spur of the moment dance parties to no music are our thing. Spending time with us is definitely not for the down hearted.

#2

Things take time: Keep at It!

I remember when he started walking. I was filled with joy! I was so excited but that excitement soon turned into deep rooted anxiety every time he got up. Walking was DANGEROUS!!! He had NO BALANCE! He fell over countless times and it was very scary for me. I was afraid he would bump his head and get hurt but the little guy didn't give up. . He'd take two steps, fall over (while I held my breath) and get back up again to take another two steps before falling over all over again. He would get up unfazed each time. That was a traumatic time for me but now he literally runs everywhere!!! He still falls over and it still stops my heart each time but the worst is over and he's officially a pro at the whole walking thing.

Walking is just one example of how he has taught me perseverance. Another is how every time we go to the grocery store I have been trying to teach him how we have to pay for stuff before we eat or claim them for ourselves. Needless to say I've been on the receiving end of tantrums as well as stares from other shoppers for a very long time but I got such a pleasant surprise a few weeks ago when he initiated placing all his goodies on the counter for check out. My persistence finally paid!!! Now he knows, "Pay first!"

There is a famous quote that goes, "Winners are not people who never fail but people who never quit!" We are all ‘children’ in many regards and it helps to remember that things take time and that in the process there is no shame in failing/falling a couple 1000 times. To be a child is to trip and fall, countless times but rising still. Don’t give up!

#3

Get up and DO something!

Anyone who knows me knows that I love my sleep! I love my ‘rest’ time and am perfectly content with just being! Being in my bed, doing absolutely nothing for an entire weekend doesn’t faze me one bit but my son is the complete opposite. He is extremely energetic and always geared to go. Because of him I’ve had to plan activities in advance and jam packed days all the time because there is no peace unless we are doing something!!! As a result I think I’m constantly in a ‘tired’ state but I’ve also LIVED a little. In the past year+ we have been out and about all over Harare, in different cities and countries. We go! And I strongly believe I am richer for it. I have made memories with my son and other people in the process: my friends and family.

There is a quote by Paulo Coelho that goes, 'Do something instead of killing time. Because time is killing you.' So in the literal sense every day we are stepping closer to the day that we leave this earth and so every day counts, right? In as much as I love to rest I realize that 20, 30, 40 years from now I will look back and think, “What did I do with my life?” I know memories of reading novels in bed will fade and that my sons’ childhood is also passing fast so getting up and DOING SOMETHING is a pretty good idea. Even if it means we are up to draw stick men or make mud pies, those moments of bonding are absolutely priceless. My son has taught me to make the days count!

Akaenda Kunoshandirwa

Nguva yakanga yareba zvinhu zvake zvisingamufambire.

Kutaura chokwadi akange aneta.

Akange aneta nekurara nenzara,

Nekuseva usavi pasina nyama.

Nekukwereta kwereta kuti zvibatane.

Izvo zvikwereti zvakange zvawanda.

Kana iko kumaraini aitonyara kufamba,

Aiti pada ndingaonekwe naTendai kana naJessy oro Sekuru Thomas.

Akaenda kunoshandirwa.

Mudzimai akange ave nemwedzi mitatu adzokera,

Adzokera zvese nevana vavo kuvabereki vake.

Ko ndaivapei?

Nzara!

Ko iko kunetsana kwacho,

Zuva nezuva kupopotedzana.

Nzara!

Ko uri murume pakuti chii usingakwanise kuriritira mhuri yako?

Akaenda kunoshandirwa.

Kuti pada angawane mhinduro,

Mhinduro kuti nei mushanyi akasvika mumba make aramba kuoneka,

Nhamo!

Kuti nei yamumomotera ikamumbundikira,

Ikamusaidzira pasi kusvika otadza kusimuka,

Otadza kubuda mairi,

Nhamo!

Akaenda kunoshandirwa.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Sometimes when we are down to the last straw we search for answers in unorthodox places. Desperation makes you do things you otherwise wouldn't. Desperation makes you do things that onlookers view as madness. 

This piece is about a man whose life has hit rock bottom. It speaks of how he is tired of sleeping on an empty stomach. How he owes so many people money and is now afraid to be seen in his neighborhood. It narrates how his wife, together with their children, left him because he couldn't take care of them anymore. He speaks of how the hunger in the home made them fight so much and how his wife began to question his manhood, " How can you call yourself a man when you cannot even take care of your own family?" It talks about how poverty is a visitor who came into his home and refused to leave. How poverty beat him up and wrapped itself around him until he could not get away. 

The thread that runs through the narration is that "akaenda kunoshandirwa". A direct translation to English would be that "he went to get worked on" i.e. deliverance from evil spirits. There are different meanings to that because kunoshandirwa can be in the Christian form where you go to a faith healer or a prophet but it can also be the traditional sense where you go to a n'anga (witch doctor) or spirit medium. In this "story" he goes kunoshandirwa in search of answers. He asks why poverty will not leave him.

It was inspired by a friends lived experience and I believe in rings true to the times. Zvinhu zvaoma (times are tough) particularly in the Zimbabwean context. Families have been torn apart and for some hunger has become the norm, it has gripped their lives. Many are riddled with debt and are literally on their knees making it through each day as it comes and for some this has pushed them to seek answers and refuge in the spiritual.

"When you do everything humanly possible you leave it to God to take over" is what he said to me then akaenda kunoshandirwa.

Dear "Mr President" - What happened to your VOICE?

It has been a while since we last spoke,

A little longer than a while in fact,

I hope you have been well.

I say this with all sincerity because it appears that something is amiss.

What happened to your voice sir?

Yes, your voice?

The one you used to proclaim justice,

To speak truths that emanated and spoke to the core of our nation,

The one that drew me, no, us to you.

For such a time as this I thought.

I thought this was your season,

To speak life,

To bring light,

To en-lighten us.

What happened to your voice Mr President?

The voice that beamed with passion and pride for our great nation,

A calling that ran through your veins and pulsated with the beating of your heart.

The voice that sprang forth and willed us to follow as you lead,

Your wisdom dictated.

You were born for such a time as this!

What happened your voice, Mr President?

It has been a while since we last spoke,

A little longer than a while in fact,

I hope you have been well.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This piece is actually something I wrote for someone specifically. I used to call him Mr President hence the slightly elaborate title, however, I think the core of it speaks directly to everyone.While we can speak in a number of ways, by using our bodies for example, there is one sure way we have for communicating and that is our voices. Given the current situation in Zimbabwe there are many people whose voices are now being heard. Voices that have risen up to speak justice and truth into all the chaos. Voices that many are now listening out for. There was a time when we had 'lost' our voices and had seemingly been silenced but now a shift has occurred where more and more people are speaking out boldly! It has now become apparent how powerful one voice can be. We now know that WORDS, sincere and true, can stir up a nation and that among us there are many who were born for such a time as this; some who are now rising up to take up their place in History. There are now some among us whose voices we are actively listening out for. And yet in the midst of it all it appears there are some who seem to have lost their voices. Some who appeared to be gearing up "for such a time as this" but now appear to be silent or silenced. Or possibly are now just distant from it all.

Esther 4:14 

For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?

A Piece for Someone Special: Thank You

You are like our guardian angel,

Always present and working diligently behind the scenes,

The unsung hero.

You are always on call!

Be it 12am and one of us hears something suspicious outside,

Or 1pm and we get a flat tire in the middle of nowhere,

Or maybe the baby gets sick and I'm hysterical, whatever time!

You have picked us up from school, airports and even dates,

You have taken us out - Hope Masike, Jah Prayzah etc etc

You have sat with us in hospital waiting rooms,

And God knows where else before we were old enough to know.

Sometimes we are guilty of forgetting that you actually have a job,

Or a life of your own - friends and the like.

Aunty for hire, I've heard.

You know us best,

Our sneaky naughty ways (I shall not give details),

Our worries, our hopes, our desires.

I guess what I am trying to say is thank you.

Thank you for always being there.

Thank you for calming my fears when Dr Google scares me.

Thank you for taking me out for lunch when I'm craving KFC.

Thank you for replying panicky Whatsapp messages every other week,

No details necessary, our lips are sealed!

Thank you for always having our backs.

On behalf of all your children,

You are like our guardian angel,

Always present and working diligently behind the scenes,

The unsung hero.

Thank you!

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

This piece is dedicated to a very very very special super woman. I shall not mention her name but anyone who is close enough to me or my family will know exactly who she is. There is no one quite like her and for the longest time I've felt so indebted to her and even till today I don't know what I could ever do to express how grateful I am for everything that she does for me and everyone else too. She is a strong woman who takes all the flak but tactfully keeps the wheels on. I don't know what I'd do without her sometimes and pray that when I'm grown (Yes I'm still growing) I can have the kind of strength that she has, her selflessness when it comes to looking out for those dear to me and also enough 'free' time to always be 'available' when my children need a hand. 

Disclaimer!!! - lest I get a thorough reprimand (lol)

She isn't the only one, I have many mothers who no matter what is going on their lives are willing to lay it all aside for me. I have seen and experienced this first hand and over the past two years I have learnt kukosha kwaAmai. Not only because I am now a mother in my own right but for some reason all the little things that my own mother does for me are now amplified. It is true what they say that hapana akakosha saAmai (there is no one as important as a mother). Whe

n I look at my life I cannot imagine where I would be without my mother, I know beyond doubt that Mama would sooner go hungry herself or walk around naked before I am fed and clothed. Mama is the one person who I know would believe in me when no one else in the world does, I know she would vouch for me when the odds are stacked against me and I know that kana zvadii I know I can always lean on her. I owe her my life, literally, and thinking about everything she has done and sacrificed for me, my siblings and our family brings me to tears.

This is all fact but the truth is we often forget to express these feelings and this post serves as I tiny expression for me and I hope it sparks in you the will to also express gratitude to all those around you that serve you selflessly daily :)   

A Heart Grown Cold

 It was the things you said,

Your words.

They tore me down and they stripped me bare.

You spat them out and gave them life.

They landed on my soul,

And began to weigh down on me.

Like a piece of clothing draped over my body,

I wore them.

It was the things you said.

You made my heart grow cold.

It was the promises you made.

They lifted me up and gave me hope.

They made me believe and into us I poured.

I poured my whole being,

My life, my love.

I emptied into those promises,

And when the end appeared,

Those promised you made, like a light turned off,

Left me empty with a heart grown cold.

It was the way you made me feel.

Your touch enamoured my being,

And like a dove in flight, I soared.

High on the wings of endearment.

Oblivious of the storm clouds rolling in,

And the distant thunder that roared,

I basked,

In the folly that is our flesh.  

An external existence, disconnected to the soul

And as the flood waters flowed over my skin,

Detached from a heart grown cold,

Reality left me washed clean.

It was the way you made me feel.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

I dug this up from the archives. It was initially incomplete but some spur of inspiration helped me finish it up. I love it and in spite of that I really don’t know how I could ‘explain’ it without taking away from it. Hope you enjoyed it as is. Emotions from the past can be so amusing sometimes. 

BOOKS: My memorable 2016 reads (so far)!

I love books and I've found that sometimes the struggle is in finding a good book to read. This year has been good to me, so far, so I thought I'd share a list of some of the memorable ones that I have read together with short details should you consider getting a copy for yourself 😊

1.       The Polygamist - Sue Nyathi

This was such a fun book to read. It took me two days to go through it and it literally reads like a heated gossip session with a group of friends. I loved it. The title really gives off what it’s about and if you are wondering what the story is like from the women’s perspective this is definitely the book for you. Sue is actually Zimbabwean and is currently writing her second book, one I cannot wait to get my hands on!

2.       419 – Will Ferguson

We have all heard about internet scams or possibly even received an email or Facebook message ourselves from someone requesting help or some sort of financial assistance. 419 is a book that dives deep into how exactly this happens from the side of both the victim and the fraudster. It intertwines the lives of all the different characters as you follow through their long journey to ‘justice’ in Nigeria and Canada then ties it all together at the end. It was a bit of a long read for me and I felt like the end just wasn’t arriving but it’s a worthwhile book for perspective.

A similar book if you interested in reading more about this is I Do Not Come to You By Chance by Adaobi Tricia Nwaubani, also set in Nigeria.

3.       Happiness, Like Water - Chinelo Okparanta

This was a very light read. I managed to go through it within a few days while travelling. What I loved about it most was that the stories were short enough to keep you engaged and also how she highlighted the different dynamics within families at home and abroad. Also set mostly in Nigeria and the USA she touched on several issues spanning from love and marriage, domestic violence, sexuality and the dreams we all have for a better tomorrow. It is a book that any African would identify and if you aren’t looking for depth and considering a light read Happiness, like water is a good idea.

4.       The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian - Sherman Alexie

"Okay, so it's like each of these books is a mystery
Every book is a mystery. And if you read all the
books ever written, it's like you have read one giant
mystery. And no matter how much you learn,
you just keep learning there is no much more to learn."

I was initially skeptical about this book. I really felt like it was something I would hand to my son when he was old enough to start reading. I was put off by the drawings and thought it was going to be child’s play. It wasn’t! There were real lessons to be learnt and by the time I got to the end I had grown attached to Junior in all his imperfections. They say it is a book for young adults actually and I guess this is a key group because young adults are more visual and attention spans can sometimes be very short. I read it online and went through it pretty fast considering the only times I was in front of a PC or with my phone are at work or after my son goes to sleep. If you are in search for a light, quick but serious book that you don’t have to buy you could definitely give this one a go.

5.       Me Before You – Jojo Moyes

I picked this book up hurriedly at the airport. I have no idea why because I generally don’t read romance novels. I often find them mushy and predictable. It took me ages to go through it but in the end I felt like it was worth it. The ending was not as predictable as I had anticipated for the agonizing 3 weeks that I read and stopped reading it only to start again. HOWEVER, there is a movie and in my opinion this is probably the first book I have read where I found the movie far more enjoyable than the book. So in light of that I recommend the movie!

6.       Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel García Márquez

"She reminded him that the weak would never enter the kingdom of love,
 which is a harsh and ungenerous kingdom,
and that women give themselves
only to men of resolute spirit,
who provide the security they need in order to face life."

This is another book about love! I have mixed feelings about this one. I thoroughly enjoyed how it started, however, I didn’t like the ending and in the middle I felt it sort of became monotonous. As I read it I felt as though I was exploring romantic love and the different ways it manifests itself. Love is not always about passion and having butterflies in your stomach. Love also grows on you. I loved the book for its quotes and the descriptions of an entirely new setting (a city on the Caribbean coast).

 

7.       An Elegy for Easterly – Petina Gappah

This book is a compilation of short stories. A friend of mine was looking for a book to read and I had initially given her my copy of this one. I later took it back because I realized that all of the stories were actually really sad. In light of that it is definitely not a book to read when you are in search of a pick me up, however, I did enjoy reading it. The stories were memorable and also set mostly in Zimbabwe such that I could identify with characters and places. After reading it I was so eager to pass it on to a friend so we could discuss. This is an ideal book for a book club!

8.       Happiness is a Four-Letter Word - Cynthia Jele

If you love chic flicks and are looking for a quick read while you are with company this is the perfect book. It’s a light and nippy read but also juicy enough to keep you engaged. It narrates the lives of a group of friends and their love life’s. I think what I enjoyed the most about it was how as I read I was kinda trying to picture which of my friends was which character. This book also has a movie which I ended up watching before I finished the book, bad idea!!! What I didn’t like about the movie was that it was so inaccurate and left out details from the book (as movies do) which I felt were so critical.

9.       The Book of Memory – Petina Gappah

I loved this book! Although there were times I felt so sad and partially gripped with depression and had to stop reading for a while. I loved how it was set in Zimbabwe and so I could identify with a lot of the scenery and language used. In some instances I could even picture the setting. I love how her story is so unpredictable from the very beginning to want to follow so you can find out more about her characters and how they ended up where they did. I love her creativity and how she stings the story together. In this books she uses unpredictable yet lovable characters tackling indirectly issues to do with family, mental health, love, homosexuality, race and identity. If you are looking for depth, this is the book!!

10.   Beneath the Lions Gaze - Maaza Mengiste

When you are convinced that everything that happens
 is the will of God,
what is there to do but wait until God has mercy?

This book was actually set in Ethiopia at a time when the country was going through a revolution. Given what is currently going on in Zimbabwe (I started reading it at the height of the #thisflag movement) I was so enthusiastic! I was all viva viva as events started to unfold but at the end I was literally in tears. I sent heartbroken messages to my friends at 1AM urging them to pray for a better way out for Zimbabwe. Therefore, if you consider yourself a revolutionary or would just like to find out more about the goings on when a government is overthrown (I’m not insinuating anything here) this is a good book to read. I think we can learn a lot from the experiences of others and this is a book from which I learnt. This book also highlighted that life and relationships can be very complicated and that sometimes ‘loyalty’ is not so straight forward.

11.   Kite runner - Khaled Hosseini

"We are melancholic people, we Afgans,
aren't we? Often we wallow too much in ghamkhori
and self pity. We give into loss, to suffering,
accept it as fact of life, even see it
as necessary. Zendagi migzara, we say, life goes on."

This was a book club book and when my book club did it I actually had exams. I watched the movie trailer and had initially decided that I wasn’t going to read it. It seemed far too disheartening. Needless to say my book club loved it so much and literally forced me to read it. For some reason the world loves this book. There must be something wrong with me though because I wasn’t that much in awe. I did appreciate it though because it gave me insights about issues and occurrences in Afghanistan, there are lessons to be learnt about friendship and loyalty and you also get to explore a lot about society and racial inequality. It’s a deep book I suppose and if these issues are something up your drive I recommend you get yourself a copy. It’s always good to learn more about distant but topical places in the world.

12. Far from Home - Na'ima B. Robert

"It must be that, one day, no one will be exiled Far From Home,
but all will be Free to Return, with Open Hearts
and Willing hands, to Rebuild a Home called
Zimbabwe, as our ancestors built the city
of  stone, Dzimba-dza-mabwe, so long ago."

I came across this book randomly, a friend gave it to me when I had nothing to read. It is set in Zimbabwe and narrates the lives of two girls, a black girl and a white girl, in precolonial Zimbabwe then transitions to post independent Zimbabwe. I loved that in this book the reader was able to understand life on both sides of the story. Most times the story is often told from the viewpoint of only the oppressed and while I am a black Zimbabwean, I have always wanted to know the other side of the story. It doesn't read like propaganda with an agenda, as most books that narrate this kind of story do, but innocently tells the lives of two girls living their lives when the land was taken from 'us' and when we went to take it back. I highly recommend this book for any young Zimbabwean who would like to find a little unbiased context r.e our land situation. 

There are also a few books that are on my line up (waiting patiently on my bookshelf) so I thought it might be a good idea to list them here as well just in case none of the above were interesting enough:

The Reluctant Fundamentalist – Mohsin Hamid
Strife – Shimmer Chinodya
An imperfect Blessing – Nadia Davids
Roots: The Saga of an American Family - Alex Haley
Three wishes - Liane Moriarty

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

P.S. If anyone is interested my Book Club meets once every six weeks or so and all are welcome! It is free of charge, several copies of the book we will be reading are available for circulation (free of charge as well) and you don’t even have to have read the book as conversation is always very stimulating around various themes that arise in the book we would have read. Please do not hesitate to get in touch with me for more details, cchikwari@yahoo.com, or you can like our Facebook page – Harare Open Book Club ( www.facebook.com/harareopenbookclub ). 

The Whispers of a Memory

Present but in the past,

A reality once lived but now felt like a healing scar.

She was a memory,

A reminder of what was,

An echo of remembrance,

Gentle like the rays of a setting sun,

Rhythmic like the waves at sea,

Just within earshot like a September wind,

She lingered.

Like a long awaited tight embrace, released.

Like a dream moments after you awake, slipping.

Just within reach like the lyrics to a melody forgotten.

Present but in the past.

A reality once lived but now felt like a healing scar.

The whispers of a memory.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

I lost a good friend of mine early this year. There are gentle reminders of her everywhere. I stumble upon pictures of us when I look though my gallery. I think about her when I have questions to ask about parenting; when is a good time to start potty training? Sometimes there are conversations to be had where I feel only she would have understood. There were places we had planned to go and things we had wanted to do. She is gone now but remains with me still. I guess the toughest bit is when I think about her and then remember that she is gone. I can’t send her a random Whatsapp message anymore and the only place when she is truly alive is in my memories but even those begin to fade with time.  

He Prayed for Forgiveness

He was a man who had made a few mistakes on the way.

There were wrongs he had sired which could not be undone.

They hung low in the abyss of his current life.

Just within reach,

Low enough to knock him off his feet and onto his knees.

He prayed for forgiveness,

Looking up and asking the gods to release him.

To break free the shackles that bound him so tightly.

The restraints that gripped his lungs till he felt he could not breathe,

Suffocated.

Surrounded by a darkness that crept into his soul and left him weak.

He prayed for forgiveness.

That if only the voices that whirled in his mind could stop.

If only he could have peace,

Rest.

His wrongs could not be undone.

He was a man who had made a few mistakes on the way.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This piece was inspired by observation. When you watch the people around you it can sometimes spark emotion within you and then sometimes it’s as if you can also feel their lived experiences. It might be a lot more or less intense in reality but the impact is real.

It’s also amazing how when we are down to the last straw we turn to prayer. Begging God to show up, to help us, to release us.

2 Chronicles 7:14

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

Keep shining :) 

She was a STAR!

She was a star,

A rising star

The main actor in the show that was her life.

Lights, camera, ACTION!

She was on display,

Displayed for all to see.

To marvel at her magnificence,

Her aura.

The beauty that was her smile,

The confidence that she wore,

Draped so gracefully on her being,

From head to toe,

This was HER life.

It was HER show,

And she was a STAR.

A rising star!

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This is a piece about SELF. It is a piece about owning your life and your space. It is a piece about having confidence in yourself and who you are. It is a piece about standing tall despite what the world might see and despite their glaring eyes. It is a piece about progress, about not quite being where you want to be but rising still.

It isn’t inspired by anything in particular, well nothing I am consciously aware of so I’ll end off here with this quote, “She attracted people to her; she had presence, an uncommon magnetism. Documenting her effect on her habitat, a naturalist would likely have compared her to a lioness: strong, sleek, and invariably surrounded by her pride.” – The Reluctant Fundamentalist 


Keep shining :)

How Did We Get Back Here?

"We must not be anything other than what we are, he reminded himself. We are and so we will be. We are here, in these days of locusts and noise, but it has been written that this shall pass, and so it will." -Beneath the Lion's Gaze

How did we get back here?

We ducked and we dived,

We ran and we hid,

We'd escaped at the very least,

But like our shadows reappearing at dawn,

Our demons caught up with us.

We thought we had conquered,

We'd moved above and beyond,

Far from it all.

We bid that bitter past goodbye.

We were free,

But like this was their home,

Our demons caught up with us.

Again!

We'd fought so hard,

We'd weathered many storms,

We'd willed our hearts to forget,

To never look back.

We had conquered.

And yet rising on que like the sun,

Our demons caught up with us.

How did we get back here?

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

My pieces are candid and always come from the heart; written late at night or scrambled on a piece of paper urgently. Most times they are raw and incomplete expressions of something on the inside fighting to come out. Most times I don't like the loose ends and there are plenty bits that I don't quite understand but alas; it is what it is.

After finishing this piece I realize I may have a little bit of a theme going on this month - dealing with the past. I struggle with mine. I struggle mostly with keeping it there. Just when I start to relax reminders always pop up and there it is again. Starring me in the face and I have to rework my way back again.

I don't know why but I feel this is somewhat how dealing with depression is like. Sometimes there are good days where you feel happy and then just around the corner that deep dark hole reappears.

Okay, so I get none of that might be making any sense right now so let me try zone it in and bring it home. Have you ever tried to break a bad habit? For example something like biting your nails? When you start the guns are always blazing and you are determined and then for a while you succeed, right? Then you think you've got this and put away your guns then just when you've eased into things and you are all relaxed you find yourself subconsciously biting your nails again. That's kinda what this piece is about. Fighting and falling.

But it's also got a twist to it in that the fight is continuous. Yes you might fail and land yourself at square one again but you keep at it. you Fight some more! It's not a defeated or despondent piece. It's a warriors piece but the only connotation that I couldn't get past is that "the demons are ours". So if they are ours where else would they go because this is actually home?

Keep shining 😊

You are The One

It was you all along.

It has always been you.

You are the one that I loved.

The one that molded and shaped,

That twisted and bended,

Scarred,

My heart.

It was you all along.

It has always been you.

You are the one that I loved.

The one that I gave myself to,

Whole.

So Innocently and effortlessly I gave, 

My heart.

It was you all along.

It has always been you. 

You whose betrayal remains imprinted.

Holding me ransom to how I now know,

My heart.

It can be molded and shaped,

Twisted and bended,

Scarred.

It was you all along.

You are the one.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This post was inspired by retrospective thinking and events currently happening in the lives of two lovers that I happen to love dearly and am also very close to. It is based on my own past experience and digs into how I feel a lot of who I am today and my "heart situation" is as a result of past experience or more specifically one bad experience imprinted.

It sucks that it is the times we get burnt that we remember more clearly and oftentimes it is those encounters that leave scars which serve as reminders long after the event. It sucks that most times you can only forget until you are reminded and that forgiveness takes a lot more than just willing away negative feelings. It is a process and heart processes like forgiveness are often the most difficult ones. There is no formula, no timeline, no stamp of completeness.

There is a popular saying that goes something along the lines of the ones we love the most also have the most power to hurt us. Love leaves you venerable and yet it's that openness and venerability that makes love love. Romans 5:8 says, "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." A paradox.

This post isn't about pointing fingers though; kuti ndiwe wakandikanya and you are the reason I'm so cold and bitter. To be honest I'm not entirely sure what it is about and kinda wish that today I had been able to write a bit more about moving past the defining moments when loved ones hurt, betray or dissapoint us and how that is done. That's a post for another day I suppose and today I will have to leave it at that.

Keep shining 😊

8 Things I've Learnt While I've been SINGLE!

Anyone who knows me knows that since forever there has always been someone. I'm not sure why this was (analysis for another day) but for the first time in my life I've had a really long period of 'singledom' and have actually been enjoying it (shock on me!). I honestly don't think it's only because I've got Malachi to keep me company and I'm busy with work as well as school; I truly feel that It's a soul happy where I've genuinely been at peace with myself and I'm perfectly content with going through the paces of this stage of my life as Chido.

Anyway I thought it would be cool to share a list of some of the things I've learnt while I've been single. 

1.

It's OKAY to be single.

It's not a shortcoming on your part. I don't know what else I can say here except that it really is OKAY! It doesn't hurt. Best before dates and marriage anxiety are a thing of the past for me. I know for some people these play a dominant role but I honestly feel in the bigger scope of things it really is OKAY. You don't need to pressure yourself. It might be that I haven't hit the third floor (30) yet though. LOL 

2.

There is more to me. 

In a way this has been a journey of self discovery. It's amazing the things you discover about yourself when they aren't hinging on someone else. When there are fewer consultations and only you get to decide where you'd like to be on a Saturday afternoon or Thursday evening decisions really are mostly about you and what YOU enjoy. The question here would then be who to do all this stuff with and this leads me on to lesson #3.... 

3.

I have AMAZING friends. 

Friends can sometimes go neglected when there is a significant other, needless to say mine haven't experienced ANY neglect in the months past. I love my friends and I'm glad I've had so much time to enjoy their love and presence in my life, they have always been there and I've known this  at the back of my mind but in this season I've really seen them stand and shine as pillars in my life. Guys! Friends are like FREE resources for EVERYTHING! They are literally on call 24/7 and love you unconditionally. Truthfully my friends have been abused but I wish I had tapped into this sooner!

4.

Being with someone, when the time comes will only be to add to an already wholesome life. 

Now I know I don't NEED someone. I know having someone in my life is an intentional choice not because of some inadequacy or gap left wanting. Companionship is great but life can be just as fulfilling while you are single. For some reason I haven't felt lonely. It might be that my life is generally busy with the baby on top of everything else and it may also be that I have a strong army of friends. I also haven't held back on trying out new things, travelling and connecting with new people. I've generally been so busy this past year+ and looking back the question is more of when would I have found the time to slot in a boyfriend. LOL 

5.

I like my space. 

I know relationships aren't about this but I like making my own decisions. I like not having to be accountable about where I am going, who I am with, how I spent my day, what my plan is for the next 10 years. I like that I can have my own structure without the added input of another. I like that I can do what I like with my hair without someone else's opinion mattering (my hair has really been through a lot!). I like taking short vacations on a whim. I like not having to leave the house all weekend. I like that I have the room to do that with zero questions asked (slight disclaimer here: I have to tell my parents because I still live under their roof but it's different with the parents).

6.

I have issues to sort through. 

It's easy to date someone and go through the paces of a relationship but having this time alone has made me aware of some of the things I have to deal with within. Some of the things I had overlooked previously. It made me realize how being with someone is a purposeful act and how in order to bring as well as receive the necessary share in a relationship being aware of your shortcomings can go a long way not only for yourself but for your partner as well.

7.

The prospect of "the one" is so exciting! 😂 

I think I'm at that single phase where I believe in LOVE and finding someone and the thing about a clean slate is you have room to dream and fantasize about "Prince Charming", mainly because I don't have to 'play him down' to anyone in my radius. I have been free to become aware of the character traits and personality of a guy I'd like to be with, the things he would value and the way he would make me feel. I think now I'm better able to spot a "Not Prince Charming" because I've had so much time to mold one.

8.

Companionship is worthwhile. 

At the end of the day it would be nice to do life with someone who HAS TO go out with me when I'm craving prawns, when I want to go watch a movie or have to attend a friends party or family gathering. Having someone with a shared chemistry to laugh at random things with, share your hearts desires with and your fears with is nice. I feel that while I'm viva "team single" chimwe nechimwe chinenguva yacho (each and every thing has its own time). Being with someone when the time is right most definitely has its perks. I'm looking forward to it and if for some reason that doesn't happen it's still okay too. 😉

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Keep shining :)