Love and Marriage: Living through the Pain?

"The problem is you don't really know how to be a good wife" he said,

So casually as if I was supposed to accept.

To accept living through the pain.

To accept and expect broken promises and infidelity.

Was that what it meant to be good?

To be a wife?

"The problem is you've never really been in love" he said,

So casually as if I was supposed to accept.

To accept that love meant living through the pain.

To accept that I must hold on and endure despite broken promises and infidelity.

Is that what it means to be in love?

To be loved?

"I'd rather be alone" I said,

So casually because I had accepted,

Accepted that I deserved better than living through the pain.

Than holding on to being "good" where "love" no longer lived.

I refuse to accept broken promises, they are no good.

Infidelity is not love,

That is not what it means.

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari

A friend of mine said to me that I do not know how to be a good wife. He said this because I had expressed that I would not be okay with my future husband seeing other women. Another male colleague said to me that I did not know what it meant to be in love when I asked why his wife had taken him back after she found out that he had, for years, been having an extra marital affair.

Now I acknowledge that I may be idealistic. I acknowledge that in life it may be easier said than done to walk away from a cheating spouse or partner. I appreciate that, however, I am against the notion that living through that betrayal and holding on despite that is an indication that you are "a good wife" or "in love".

Why have we made this acceptable and labeled it as such to the extent that I, a young woman,

am expected to not only accept but expect that my future husband will see other women? Why is it that I, despite the pain it may cause me day in and day out, am expected to be the one to "fight for my marriage" as if I am the one who has broken promises. For generations our mothers have lived through the pain. And likewise for generations our fathers have praised them for being good wives in the face of their infidelity. Why have we as societies allowed ourselves to get away with believing and doing this?

When faced with the concept or idea of marriage I am often afraid. I am afraid that one day I will have to live through that pain in the name of loving someone or being a good wife. I am so afraid that more often I have said to myself that I would rather be alone. It's a kind of heart ache I fear I will not be able to handle especially so from someone I love. Someone I have committed to and built a life with. It may be because I have been heartbroken before and know how that can shatter you even when you haven't made a commitment as big as marriage before your friends, family AND God.

I'm not sure if overall this is a situation that can be helped but for myself and my future husband (should that come to pass) I pray for better.

“Last night I wept. I wept because the process by which I have become woman was painful. I wept because I was no longer a child with a child's blind faith. I wept because my eyes were opened to reality....I wept because I could not believe anymore and I love to believe. I can still love passionately without believing. That means I love humanly. I wept because I have lost my pain and I am not yet accustomed to its absence.” 

Anaïs Nin, Henry and June

Keep Shining!