Absent

“The last time we spoke I thought about how it would be easier to tell our son that his father was dead because as it stands I have no explanation as to why his father is alive somewhere but has never come to see him”

ABSENT: Not present in a place, at an occasion or as part of something.

Sharing this post took a lot of courage for me because it is something that is very real and when I think about it, brings tears to my eyes. It is not representative of retrospective healing where after I have learnt a lesson and found the answer to a life question I write. It is ongoing and although I have come to terms with a lot of things in this regard this is not one of them. A few weeks ago I penciled something in my diary and it is remembrance of that which pushed me to write this post… I wrote, “Be Honest and True to Yourself.” So here I am…

The text in red is actually a message I almost sent to “you know who” with tears in my eyes on a very emotional night. I didn’t end up sending the message but halfway through realized that I can’t be the only woman going through this. The term “single mother” is routinely used all over and when I started to think beyond myself I identified several women who are close to me who have raised their children alone (alone is another term I don’t like using. Truthfully speaking I am not raising my son alone but that is a blog post for another day. I also identified many ‘children’, some who are now mothers or fathers in their own right who have grown up or are growing up with absent fathers.

My question, the one that I do not have the answer to is, “Why are you not here?” Granted life is very complicated and often there are several contributing factors that lead to undesirable circumstances BUT why are you not here?

Why do we have so many absent fathers in our societies?

And I use the word absent very loosely because I know that in many homes we have fathers who are ‘present’ but in actual fact are absent. Fathers who although they are physically in the home never truly connect with their children.

Why are you not here?

Is it that men find it more difficult to connect than women do? Is it that you did not have to carry your offspring in your womb for 9 months? Is it that you did not feel him turn and kick within you as he grew? Is it that you never felt the pain of labor or the suckling of a new-born that you gave life to?

Is that the reason you are not here?

Is that the reason why you can so easily disconnect from your own flesh and blood?

Why are you not here?

Is it that men feel differently than women do?

It will take hell and high water to separate me from my son. My son is the one person I know I would willingly give my life for. He is the one person in the world who I would do anything for and yet for you I feel that you feel differently. Why is that so?

Why are you not here?

I know I may never get ‘the answer’ but my prayer is that my baby never feels unloved, unimportant or inadequate or that it is his fault. So my question is in two parts. To all those fathers who are absent from their children’s lives be it physically, emotionally or both, why is that so? And to all those women who have had to deal with raising children whose fathers are absent but alive somewhere how have you dealt with this? What do I tell my son on the day that he asks me why is father is not here?

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Thank you to my special friend who I shared all this with pre-posting. You are a strong and wise woman and so is the woman who raised you.