Mhamha Mumu gets some Alone Time

One of the most exciting things that happened to me this past month was that I actually got to spend 4 weeks alone. I traveled to London for a 1 month placement and was staying in a room in the university’s halls. All there was in the room was a bed, desk and chair plus a small bathroom. I was happy. I wanted to be alone and bask in the solitude. 

Here’s why... 

One of the things I wasn’t prepared for after giving birth to my son 3 years ago was the fact that for the most part I would never have long stretches of time to myself. I love my son. We do everything together and I can’t imagine moving forward with this life thing without him. This is truth. The other truth is he is ALWAYS there. The only time we spend apart is when I’m at work and he’s at school. We’re good friends and he’s my partner in being hyper and excited about everything. Having him around though has also illumined how ungrateful I was about all those moments (before I had a baby) that I spent alone. 

Below I’ll share with you 4 random joys I experienced this month while I was spending some time with myself: 

1) Waking up when I wanted

Malachi wakes up EARLY! I didn’t know sleeping in/through the night was privilege till I had a baby. In most instances when they wake up, you have to wake up too! It really doesn’t matter what time it is or what time you went to bed. Malachi is older now so he can sometimes get on with other things while I “close my eyes” but to him when the sun is out it’s time to wake up. So if I sleep past sunrise he starts asking me if I’m sick. Not cool. The flip side of this is that I've made better use of my extra awake hours over the last few years BUT there's a special kind of feeling that comes with staying in bed for another hour or two on a Sunday morning. 

2) Spending unlimited time in the shower and/or loo

This is a big one!! You don’t realize this before you have children but this here is a privilege in itself. They ALWAYS need something from you during these supposed-to-be-private moments. With Malachi sometimes he just feels like I’ve been in the shower for too long and he misses me so he comes to check if I’m done REPEATEDLY.  Not ideal. 

3) Reading/Working at home whenever I feel like it with no distractions

I'm at work from 7am-5pm on most days and often get home around 6pm. Malachi goes to bed soon after 8.30pm and that normally gives us about 2 hours of bonding time. In this time we have dinner, I give him a bath, sometimes we watch tv or play a game or do homework. Bed time is a 30 minute routine where I tell him a story or we read a book and then a lot of talking also happens here before he finally falls asleep at 9pm. It’s always kinda hectic and A LOT happens. This past month it was so refreshing for me to get back to my quiet room and carry on working or pick up a book and just read. When I’m at home these are tasks that are often left till after baby boy falls asleep and sometimes I’m so exhausted that I actually pass out before he does.

4) Extra curricula's

a.k.a Coming home late (and not feeling guilty about it)

I prefer to start work early and then come home early so that I can spend time with my baby before he goes he sleep (see random #3 above). Normally if I go out for something after work it means Mhamha and Malachi time doesn’t happen because I get home soon/long after he goes to sleep. I don't like that so you can imagine what effects this can have on a girls social life. So this last month I was forever doing things after work!! I took myself out for dinner and drinks (alone), I met up with so many people and made connections with some amazing people, I went shopping, I attended seminars and I generally took my time to get home. This joy just illuminated something that’s so real to me and that thing is Mother’s Guilt. Getting home and finding my son fast asleep pains me. I want to see his face at the end of the day and I worry about how his whole night time routine has now been messed up if I ‘selfishly’ decide to go out and watch a movie with my friends after work. This is worthy of a blog post on its own so I’ll stop here.

I know one day soon he will be a big boy and will be off in the world living his own life and I will yearn for additional us time. However, my 4 weeks were AMAZING! I missed my baby a lot but I really did enjoy in the time I had to myself. He would video call me every single day before bed and we would talk about his day, what he ate and the treats that Sekuru or Uncle Chenge bought for him (follow me on Twitter @chidodc to see some of the quirky things he had to say on those calls). I often found myself rushing out of meetings to pick up his calls or looking strange on the train trying to show my baby what the tracks looked like and laughing my face off alone in my room when asked me to bring him a cute little kitten. We had our time every day and he would also ask me “Mhamha Mumu, when are you coming back home?” daily which would also break my heart. 

I would not be able to do any of the things I do with my life without the support of some amazing people. Thank you to Gogo Mumu, Sekulu vaMumu, Uncle Chenge and Aunty Miriam for always holding down the fort while I am away. Also thank you to all my friends and cousins who go rushing whenever I call. Without you I don't think I would have been able to achieve any of the successes I have seen in the last 4 years and sleep with such ease when I am away from home.  I don't feel like I  am a single mother, my baby and I are surrounded by an army of remarkable people. Thank you!

Anyway the moral of my long rant (there always has to be a moral) is probably summed up in this: 

1. If you’re planning on having children beware! 
2. If you already have children it’s okay to be intentional about taking time out for yourself. You also need you and, 
3. If you don’t plan on having children please enjoy your alone time a little extra for me too. 

I am ready to go back home now.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

Side note: I think this is one of the challenges I’d have/have had/am having with romantic relationships. What do you do when someone else becomes a permanent feature in YOUR life? Someone said this is just like having Malachi or all my other female friendships. I can’t imagine living life without either of those but in my books having a man as a permanent feature in my world is different. How do you create that balance in your relationships? Do you ask each other for space every few weeks or is it that get to a place where you can't be without your partner/spouse? 

Blog post for another day perhaps?