I Also Feel

I see,

I see your head held high

And,

Your reassuring smile.

I hear,

I hear you laugh so tender,

And

Your words so meticulously stung together.

I also feel. 

I feel,

I feel your pain so strong beneath

And

Your gut wrenching agony.

I feel, 

I feel your despair,

Your inner light fading.

Like a silent roar it pierces through the words unspoken,

I hangs like an ornament over the mirage you try to create.

I see,

I hear,

I also feel.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This doesn’t happen often but sometimes in life we go through stuff that literally tears us apart. And sometimes although the worst has happened we do not shed visible tears or walk with our heads hanging low. Sometimes we do not run to tell our closest friends or family what misfortunes we have come across and sometimes our pain and heartache we keep wholly as our own, dealt with in the confines of our private spaces. I am reminded of the shona saying, “Chakafukidza dzimba matenga”.

The reasons for this are varied but it is during these times that we wake up each day and put up a front. We show up, we smile, we act…we act as if things are okay, as if things are normal.

This post was inspired but what I believe to be a similar experience but from an outside view. An experience where although a close friend or family member doesn’t want to share what they are going through you can still feel and see as well as hear with your heart that things are not okay. As a friend/sister/brother this can be an extremely tough time. How can you help someone when they won’t share with you what is wrong? How can you help someone when they do not want you to know that there is something wrong? You wish that they could just cry out so that you can hold them close and tell them that things will be okay but instead you are also forced to pretend; to ‘act’ as if all is well.  

"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity."

Carl Jung

Ours is a story Half Baked...

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of;

I cannot write about YOU,

I cannot write about US,

Ours is a story half baked.

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of;

It never did make sense to me,

How I could LOVE so much what isn’t mine,

How I could love so much what I strongly believed I did not want,

How could I love you?

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of;

How our souls became so intertwined,

How strongly we were drawn to each other,

How like night and day our worlds did not mix

And yet there we were.

It never did make sense to me.

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of,

How we created love and light,

And yet between us a cloud of darkness hovers.

Silence.

Distance.

As if that LOVE, did not exist,

And yet I see it every day,

In HIS eyes.

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of,

How our tomorrows will be.

His,

Yours,

Mine.

Ours? 

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of,

What was?

What isn’t?

What is?

Ours is a story half baked.

xoxo 

Chido Dziva Chikwari

"Like night and day our worlds did not mix"

So like all of my pieces this is inspired by my personal experience and my hearts impressions. As the piece states it is a story half-baked and because of that this accompanying note isn’t going to say much. Hopefully most of it will bring meaning to itself and to you reader but if not, hopefully one day I will be able to write more.

Keep Shining J

5 Lessons @ 24

I celebrated my birthday this weekend and as we all know this is one of the perfect times to sit down and do some inward reflection. The past year, for me, has been full of critical landmarks to say the least and while this list of 5 things I learnt this year is very specific to me I am hoping that to you, the reader, there will be one or two things to extrapolate and apply in your own life. 

1. 

Curve balls

Remember when there was a time you had it all planned out? You were going to go to Uni, get a great job, travel the world, get married, have cute babies and live happily ever after.... 

I've learnt that things don't always work out the way we plan BUT It's OKAY! At 23 I had my son and that wasn't exactly part of the plan but you know what sometimes that's what happens. Despite the "Uh Oh" moment my son is the light of my world and nothing has ever made me happier. The curve balls are often uexpected but It's OKAY because things always work out in the end. 

2.

Do what makes you Happy, Do what gives you inner Peace. 

Since 23 my ears have entered into the habit of hearing and seeing what other people are saying and doing...NOT HELPFUL! I've learnt that our paths are different and what's critical is to DO YOU! Stay in your lane. Make your own decisions and at the end of the day what really matters is that your heart is at peace with your life choices. 

3.

Be Brave enough to Try. 

At 23 I had the nerve to attempt what a lot of people told me not to. I was told I was being crazy and overambitious. At the time I had no idea how I was going to do it but all I knew was that I had to. I registered for my Masters while 4 months pregnant and wrote my exams while Malachi was just 10 weeks old. I had a lot to prove! I had a full time job at the time. With study sessions going on all throughout the night and sometimes with him on one leg and a book on the other, I Passed!! I did a lot better that what I or anyone else expected and the one thing I am grateful for is that I was brave or rather crazy enough to TRY! 

4.

The value of True Friends.

This is one lesson that literally brings me to tears every time I think about it. This past year I have seen firsthand exactly what the bible means when it talks about how "A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated but two can stand back to back and conquer." Never take for granted the relationships you have with your friends. For me, those are the people who literally got me out of bed when I didn't have the energy or motivation, they drove me to work and back when I felt like nothing mattered, they brought me chompkins and samoosas when the cravings and morning sickness struck, they drove me halfway across the country to solve my nyayas and spoke for me when tears choked up my voice and I couldn't speak.  It was my friends who held my hand at my very first scan and my friends who sat with me in doctors waiting rooms for hours on end at no pay and with no questions asked. There is a group of people who were on call 24/7 and were willing to put their lives on hold whenever I called in my time of need. I honestly don't know where I'd be  without my friends, To them I am forever indebted. 

5. 

Enjoy Life! 

Live in the moment. Worry less about tomorrow and embrace today. Most times the things we lose sleep over don't really matter..long term. Forgive often and freely. Don't hold onto misery and things that bring you down. Life is short and no moment is ever like the previous one. Celebrate today, tomorrow is not guaranteed! Be weird be crazy, be you! 

LIVE, laugh, love, learn! My son taught me most of that and he's not even talking yet. He wakes up with a smile on his face every single day. He is unforgiving about his screams and he doesn't care who is watching. If he falls, the sooner you pick him up the sooner it's forgotten and he's back to smiling again. In 7 months he has gone from a mere promise in my belly to a little boy who is extremely active and wont let anything pass him by without picking it up and putting it in his mouth. In just 7 months! 

Here's to 24!!!!

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari
12/09/2015

May you live all the days of your life. - Jonathan Swift 

A Moment to Reintroduce Myself to Me

Let Me take a moment to reintroduce myself to Me. 

You see I had lost touch with who I was, 

and so this moment I have spared so that I can get to know Me, again. 

Let Me take a moment to reintroduce myself to Me. 

You see I was a girl who'd figured Me out, 

till into the picture crept him 

and her,

and them, 

and those guys too..... 

Let Me take a moment to reintroduce myself to Me. 

You see they told me all sorts of things about Me, 

and sadly for Me, I started to believe them. 

It was then that I lost touch with who Me was.

Let Me take a moment to reintroduce myself to Me. 

You see who I am is dear to Me,

There really is no I without Me.

Let me take a moment to reintroduce myself to Me. 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

In the past year I went through a lot of things that literally broke down my self esteem. I mean it got to the point where I had lost the confidence to speak out in public ndichizviti, "Ko ini ndingataure kuti chii zvangu." None of this came from within but it was founded merely on what people had said to me and about me. It was founded on how society viewed things, not me.  Because of this I began to see myself as a second rate citizen and went as far as to consider that maybe I was everything people had said; stupid, worthless, amounting to nothing. 

It took me a while to get over all those feelings and sometimes it takes a good friend to remind me to snap out of it. I've had to have countless stern conversations with myself and a lot of it circled around reintroducing myself to me. I had to purposefully relocate Chido outside of what society said and how society defined my circumstances. I haven't got it all figured out yet and but I've come to the realization that only I have the power to be the author of my own story, the way I see myself comes from within and only I have the power to change that. 

I believe there are a lot of people among us who have lost their identity to what society says. There are many people who have begun to conform to what is the norm or what is deemed "acceptable"; be it the way you dress, the way you talk (the language you use), the things you believe to be right or wrong or even the dreams and ambitions you have for your life. These changes happen on a daily basis and oftentimes subconsciously. More often than we care to notice our surroundings shape who we become. It is for that very reason why you need to have a strong sense of self. 

"Who are you? 

What do you believe in and why? 

What's acceptable and what isn't? 

Where are you headed?"

Those are really tough questions but oftentimes it's being aware of the simple things that matters. When the world wants to feed you their opinion about why doing a degree in psychology is a bad idea you need to be able to remind yourself why you chose that path to begin with and where you see your life going. 

When the world tells you that your biological clock is ticking and that it's worrying that there is no boyfriend in sight you need to be able to ease the pressure on yourself and zone in on how you know marriage isn't your end goal in life. There is no need to rush or settle.

When you graduated three years ago and you are working a job that's far from what you imagined or earning what some may call 'peanuts' you need to be able to tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with you and that our journeys are not the same, right now may be your incubation period. Focus on what's important, hard work and keeping the dream alive. 

I don't know what different scenarios people are faced with but my story remains the same...You need to have an idea of what you want so that you aren't swayed at every turn. You need to have an idea of who you are so you don't change like a cameleon in different social settings. You need to have an idea of who you are so that you aren't a Yes man/woman. Take the time to reintroduce yourself. 

Zvino todii?

She was a girl aged 17 and her world had suddenly changed. She was confronted with a sea of people; some faces familiar, others a blur in the sea of her whirling tears. It was all becoming real. 

As the emotions subsided and numbness set reality began to creep up on her. Mum was gone and they were alone. Another unfamiliar face disrupted her chain of thought as woman clad in a multicolored zambia and red dhuku screamed upon seeing her face. She then frantically threw her arms around her neck before calling out loud incoherent phrases straight into her ear. This had become an all too familiar act. She had been instructed nanambuya to sit in the corner with her brother and it was there that every mourner passed 'kuzobata maoko'. 

Although sitting quietly in the corner of a room filled with people Owen and Faith instinctively felt alone. Owen, now 10 years old, gripped her arm and rested his body on her shoulder. She felt the warmth of his skinny torso and once again, uncontrollably, tears began to flow down her cheeks. 

"Zvino todii?"were there two words that kept coming to mind. Like a bad song on repeat where you aren't the DJ. These were the same words that her mother had yelled over and over and over again the day they had received news that baba had died on the spot in a car accident, 

What shall we do now? 

Mamas death had been so sudden. Faith never knew that complaints of chest pains could escalate and draw the life out of such a strong, vibrant, caring, loving and beautiful woman within hours. Ingawani I got sick and my leg swelled to the size of a tree trunk and for months I was in pain but I am still here? 

Zvino todii? 

She was a girl aged 17 and her world had suddenly changed. 

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This piece was inspired by two children I met a few months ago. It is mostly what I imagined and the feelings that crept into my heart while I was speaking to them and when I thought about them afterwards.

Their story and reality was sad to say the least and I am not one to say I understand death and grief and all the issues that surround it but after encountering those two children one thing that stuck was that bold question...Zvino todii/What shall we do now? I wondered about how they were taking care of themselves and if at that time their tomorrow had been a question (When I met them they were living alone and upon asking what they did for food and school fees the response was that their uncles sometimes help them out.)

I began to think a bit more about that question and realized how applicable it can be in all scenarios. When you are faced with challenges and obstacles, when you find yourself in undesirable situations or even just where you are at in your life right now (be it a good place or a bad place) it is always a standing question.

What shall we do now?

What's next for your life, your career or your relationships? Life and time are an ever ticking process. Yes we have junctions and landmark moments as our days progress but as long as you are among the living the game never stops. So if its an obstacle you are dealing with, be it a heartbreak or failure chakakosha ndechekuti hauite stuck ipapo (Whats important is that you don't get stuck there).

One of my greatest fears in life (I confess) is being stuck; be it being stuck in a bad relationship or even being stuck in the same job for 20 years. I never want to stagnate. I'm always conscious about what I am doing to progress or move forward with my life. I don't want to die where I'm at. Don't get me wrong there is beauty in every season of life but like I mentioned earlier as long as you are among the living the game never stops, life is an ever ticking process. 

Soo in conclusion whatever you are facing right now; be it that you recently graduated from University or got a new job or the love of your life just broke up with you or you may have even lost a loved one a good question to ask yourself is: "So what shall I do now?"

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari

In the spirit of moving forward. 

She was a girl aged 19

She was a girl aged 19.

At 16 she had made some foolish mistakes. Fun and games with the wrong high school friends and a boy that had professed his undying love for her had cumulated in an unexpected and unwanted pregnancy. Ngoni, now 2 years old clung to her and looked up, “Mama?”

With tears streaming down her cheeks and bloodstains beginning to dry on her dress, Roselac pondered. He had beat her again and she had nowhere to go. She couldn’t return to Baba and Mainini. She had run off without saying goodbye 9 months ago. She had refused their offers to go back to school and finish her O’levels. She had hitched up with Tinashe, who everyone had told her was a bad idea. He was a lot older than her and a drunk but it felt right…at the time! At the time he had made her feel special. At the time he made her feel like nothing else mattered aside from the burning flames of a passionate love affair. He had said she was beautiful, that she was the only one. He had said he would take care of her and her son so she had left. Riding high on the wings of “Love”. Or was it?...Love??

She wasn’t quite sure how it had happened. Or rather she couldn’t quite explain it. Either way it was already too late now. She was already 6 months pregnant and HIV Positive. When she told him her result he had beat her.

“Mama, mama!” cried Ngoni.

She wiped her tears then picked up her son and the basket full of tomatoes. She had to go *kumusika.

She was a girl aged 19.

*Kumusika is Shona for “to the market”.

                                                                                                                                                          

I work at Primary Health Care Clinics in the high density suburbs of Harare and over the past few years I have seen and heard a lot of heart-breaking stories. I’ve never been certain about what I can and cannot write or publish because of confidentiality confinements when we do HIV testing and Counselling so I never wrote but yes this piece was inspired by a girl I met a few weeks ago. She shared with me a bit about her story and that birthed this short article. It is also in line of some of the things that have been happening in Zimbabwe lately : 

• The issue of child marriages, the age of consent and how this affects the girl child. 
• The plight of all the vendors that have flooded the streets of Harare. 

Roselac was a bit older but the above is very relevant to her and lot of other young girls. She dropped out of school pregnant at a very young age and is now trying to make a living for herself and her son by selling her wares. 

I have also met many women who feel stuck in abusive relationships because they feel they have no where to go or they have to stay for the sake of their children and are also struggling to make ends meet alone despite having 'a man' in the home. HIV status and the complications it brings into the home when one partner has been tested and the other refuses testing, blames the other partner or a couple has discordant results is another true and real debacle. All of the above are issues for another day, I could go on and on and on however..... 

I feel that in life we often make very obvious mistakes that we cannot explain or excuse. Mainly because we know we made bad move A and bad move B. And because life is the way it is there are often if not always consequences for our actions. Personally post the event I feel the above doesn’t really matter, it’s the decisions we make thereon and how we decide to continue that do. What matters is that we realize that our mistakes don’t define us, that as long as we are still alive there is hope and that we have to have the courage to do and be better for the sake of tomorrow. So in the case of Roselac what matters is that she learns from yesterday’s mistakes and works hard to build a better tomorrow for her son and baby number 2 on the way. What matters is that she take care of herself and come to the realization that she still has options. It’s never the end of the world.

I believe this also applies to just about every ‘bad hand’ that life deals us. Whether it be your fault (a mistake you made) or just being unfortunate enough to be caught up in a bad situation. Never take up a victim mentality. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue! Change the outcome.

I’d like to dedicate this post to a very special friend of mine, Farai Savanhu, who for the past few months has been pushing me to write. Thank you Fari. I pray this piece is helpful to somebody.

Keep shining!!

XOXO

Chido Dziva Chikwari

*NOTE: None of the names in this story were the characters actual names.

Broken

Will we ever be able to go back again? 

Back to the place where it was natural, 

Where words flowed and our eyes met with no hesitation?

Where the bond was solid and I didn't have to second guess...

To second guess what I said or did, 

To second guess my place in your world, 

To second guess you love, your pride, your faith in me. 

Will we ever be able to go back again?

Back to the place where we were good friends, 

Where conversation was effortless and laughter the norm, 

Where I never felt the need to hide form your solemn filled gaze, 

Where promise was the order of the day and you saw only a bright tomorrow, 

Where I didn't feel the need to prove myself.

Will we ever be able to go back again,
Or is this what we have become...
Broken? 

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari 

In Shona there is a proverb that goes "Chadeuka chadeuka mukaka haujorewi" and this simply translated means that milk that has been spilled cannot be drawn up again. Can relationships be mended or like a beautiful piece of china that has been broken they can never be pieced back together to reform their original glory and have lost their valor and value forever?

This post was inspired by one such relationship and to be honest I can't let this one go. Maybe relationships can't be mended or pieced back together to what they were before but is it possible that you can build again, something new? It breaks my heart that in the place of something that was so beautiful remains just fragments of what 'was' so in the spirit of believing in a better tomorrow I hold onto HOPE...I purpose to work on this relationship and hopefully one day in the future I will be able to blog about what now 'is'...

Isaiah 61 vs 3 says," 'He has sent me' to provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." so I HOLD ONTO HOPE!! 

The first three months...

The first three months of motherhood happened all too fast!!!

I spent so much time trying to figure things out.

I spent so much time trying to get a hold of what was going on and in the meantime he was growing fast.

I spent so much time warming up to the fact that he was here and in the meantime he was growing fast.

Every so often I’d be amazed at what milestone he was now reaching…. smiling now, laughing now, holding the bottle while feeding, and grasping his toys in his rocker, recognizing his name…

One day we woke up and he wasn’t crying hysterically during bath time like he had always done before.

One day we woke up and his favorite onesie didn’t quite fit anymore.

It all happened so fast and although I tried really hard to document it all when I sit and look at all the pictures I took (and believe me there are many) none of them really encapsulate where we were at each stage…

Things have changed so fast…

He has changed so much, he looks different, and he acts different.

The sleepless nights of week one and week two are long gone.

He has different cries now, he has character traits and behavior traits…all of this in just three months!! 

I know when he wants to be picked up, when he isn’t in the mood for funny faces, when he is ok with playing alone and when just wants to be at peace in moms arms.

It happened far too quickly and now it’s gone.

For two and a half months he was all I focused on. I spent each and every day with him. I slept when he slept. As long as he was awake he was either in my arms or at arm’s length but definitely in sight (I would stare at him for hours on end..literally) and yet I feel a bit nostalgic still.

Just yesterday I was waiting for my EDD...

Just yesterday we were celebrating his weekversary..

Where did the time go??

Was there even time to begin with?

Is this what people mean when they say “they grow up so fast”?

The first three months of motherhood happened far too fast!!

Xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

The lesson in all this?? I am purposeful about time with my son. Malachi has taught me the value of each day…priceless! Once it’s gone it’s gone…enjoy it, hold it tight while you can coz in the blink of an eye it’s already tomorrow and yesterday’s gone.