Breaking the Silence: Disability

I have been silent for the past 7 years.

I have silently watched the anger and the pain,

I have watched it brew within her and crawl over our lives and onto those that surround us.

I have watched the tears slowly and sometimes violently fall down her cheeks, his too and all of ours.

I have watched the silent tears too,

The ones that cry out through words unspoken; frustration, disappointment, longing.

The ones let out in hidden places, in deep sighs or sunken shoulders.

I have also watched the strength and resilience rise up,

I have watched her pick herself up and strive to LIVE!

I have watched the strong spirit of a fighter draw swords with fate and win.

I have watched dreams long forgotten resurrect and come to life.

Hope.

I have seen hope dwindle and die..."there will be no additional function for her limbs beyond this point."

I have also seen hope in the twinkle of her eye..."I got on the Gautrain and spent the afternoon shopping in Sandton alone"

Independence.

The freedom to be that we often take for granted:

To put on your own shoes, to speak confidently and coherently, to go wherever you please.

It has been 7 years.

7 years where I have silently watched,

7 years where I have felt quietly, 

7 years where I have been  silently angry and hurt,

7 years where I have silently stood by and been supportive, 

7 years where I have also celebrated small and big victories and thanked God with my mouth shut, 

Then she broke the silence. 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

I appreciate that very few people will get to experience what this is like in their lifetime. They shouldn't. I also appreciate that there are many who have not lived this but are close enough to my mother and my family to have seen and in their own way experienced the emotions I described above. It is not easy. It really takes a warrior spirit to rise up from the deep space you fall into when you find out that life as you know it has changed. That the things you were once able to do you cannot do anymore. It's tough.

I am writing because my mother suffered a severe stroke in 2010. We do not talk about it often and neither do we talk about the obstacles it has brought about for her and our family. We don't talk about it. We feel and then we make the best of what's available and do life. 3 years ago my mother did start speaking about it though. She started talking about it in public spaces: At the bank, at the supermarket, in parking lots. She started to be very vocal about it. All of these were public spaces that she as a disabled person could not/had difficulty accessing. It is often the small things like not having a ramp, or designated parking space. She slowly became an advocate. I, my father and my siblings would always shy away when these scenes played out. It felt embarrassing. For years we had always known to "get by", if it meant lifting her we would lift her, if it meant holding her hand we would hold her hand, we would do whatever it took to do what needs doing but we wouldn't dare speak about it. To be honest I don't know why we lived this way but we woke up one day and all of a sudden Mom had started fighting these battles. I have tears in my eyes as I am writing this. I guess it is still a very sensitive topic and this is probably the reason why we don't talk about it openly. 

There are lessons I am yet to learn here but I am very proud of my mom. I am proud of all that she has managed to achieve despite her disability. I am proud of her ability to rise up from the ashes of lost hope and create hope. I am proud of her warrior spirit. I am proud of the dreamer in her that pushes and pushes until her dreams become reality. She never gives up! I am proud of her voice. I am proud that she can and does speak up for so many who are forgotten in society. I am proud that she will make several visits to a local restaurant to make sure she speaks to the management about disabled parking spaces, ramps and bathrooms. I am so proud that each and every day she gets out of bed and fights for her independence. She never gave up. These are traits that we all need. The ability to pick yourself up when you're down and out. The ability to feel the hurt and anger and disappointment when necessary but also the ability to move past it. The ability to speak up about matters that concern us when no one else is. The ability to be persistent.

I will write more about this one day. There is so much more I want to say particularly about public spaces in Zimbabwe that do not attempt to make themselves more accessible to people living with disabilities and how they can do so. I think I may be trying to say too much in one post but my prayer is that this post serves as inspiration or encouragement to someone. It may not be a disability you are faced with; it could be failure or disappointment in yourself for whatever reason, it maybe that you have something to say and have shyed away from saying it for too long, it maybe that you've actually been making up excuses for yourself and need to just pick yourself up because life still needs to be lived. I honestly don't know, there's a lot in my spirit and I think there's a lot I've also written down.

Keep shining!!

For context my mom had a brain hemorrhage due to high blood pressure in 2010. She lost all function of the right side of her body including eye sight as well as speech. Through physiotherapy and speech therapy she can now walk with assistance for short distances and can also speak although sometimes she struggles to remember what she wants to say. She has not managed to regain function of her right hand although she now writes with her left hand. According to the World Health Organization, 15 million people suffer stroke worldwide each year. Of these, 5 million die and another 5 million are permanently disabled.