How Did We Get Back Here?

"We must not be anything other than what we are, he reminded himself. We are and so we will be. We are here, in these days of locusts and noise, but it has been written that this shall pass, and so it will." -Beneath the Lion's Gaze

How did we get back here?

We ducked and we dived,

We ran and we hid,

We'd escaped at the very least,

But like our shadows reappearing at dawn,

Our demons caught up with us.

We thought we had conquered,

We'd moved above and beyond,

Far from it all.

We bid that bitter past goodbye.

We were free,

But like this was their home,

Our demons caught up with us.

Again!

We'd fought so hard,

We'd weathered many storms,

We'd willed our hearts to forget,

To never look back.

We had conquered.

And yet rising on que like the sun,

Our demons caught up with us.

How did we get back here?

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

My pieces are candid and always come from the heart; written late at night or scrambled on a piece of paper urgently. Most times they are raw and incomplete expressions of something on the inside fighting to come out. Most times I don't like the loose ends and there are plenty bits that I don't quite understand but alas; it is what it is.

After finishing this piece I realize I may have a little bit of a theme going on this month - dealing with the past. I struggle with mine. I struggle mostly with keeping it there. Just when I start to relax reminders always pop up and there it is again. Starring me in the face and I have to rework my way back again.

I don't know why but I feel this is somewhat how dealing with depression is like. Sometimes there are good days where you feel happy and then just around the corner that deep dark hole reappears.

Okay, so I get none of that might be making any sense right now so let me try zone it in and bring it home. Have you ever tried to break a bad habit? For example something like biting your nails? When you start the guns are always blazing and you are determined and then for a while you succeed, right? Then you think you've got this and put away your guns then just when you've eased into things and you are all relaxed you find yourself subconsciously biting your nails again. That's kinda what this piece is about. Fighting and falling.

But it's also got a twist to it in that the fight is continuous. Yes you might fail and land yourself at square one again but you keep at it. you Fight some more! It's not a defeated or despondent piece. It's a warriors piece but the only connotation that I couldn't get past is that "the demons are ours". So if they are ours where else would they go because this is actually home?

Keep shining 😊

You are The One

It was you all along.

It has always been you.

You are the one that I loved.

The one that molded and shaped,

That twisted and bended,

Scarred,

My heart.

It was you all along.

It has always been you.

You are the one that I loved.

The one that I gave myself to,

Whole.

So Innocently and effortlessly I gave, 

My heart.

It was you all along.

It has always been you. 

You whose betrayal remains imprinted.

Holding me ransom to how I now know,

My heart.

It can be molded and shaped,

Twisted and bended,

Scarred.

It was you all along.

You are the one.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This post was inspired by retrospective thinking and events currently happening in the lives of two lovers that I happen to love dearly and am also very close to. It is based on my own past experience and digs into how I feel a lot of who I am today and my "heart situation" is as a result of past experience or more specifically one bad experience imprinted.

It sucks that it is the times we get burnt that we remember more clearly and oftentimes it is those encounters that leave scars which serve as reminders long after the event. It sucks that most times you can only forget until you are reminded and that forgiveness takes a lot more than just willing away negative feelings. It is a process and heart processes like forgiveness are often the most difficult ones. There is no formula, no timeline, no stamp of completeness.

There is a popular saying that goes something along the lines of the ones we love the most also have the most power to hurt us. Love leaves you venerable and yet it's that openness and venerability that makes love love. Romans 5:8 says, "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." A paradox.

This post isn't about pointing fingers though; kuti ndiwe wakandikanya and you are the reason I'm so cold and bitter. To be honest I'm not entirely sure what it is about and kinda wish that today I had been able to write a bit more about moving past the defining moments when loved ones hurt, betray or dissapoint us and how that is done. That's a post for another day I suppose and today I will have to leave it at that.

Keep shining 😊

8 Things I've Learnt While I've been SINGLE!

Anyone who knows me knows that since forever there has always been someone. I'm not sure why this was (analysis for another day) but for the first time in my life I've had a really long period of 'singledom' and have actually been enjoying it (shock on me!). I honestly don't think it's only because I've got Malachi to keep me company and I'm busy with work as well as school; I truly feel that It's a soul happy where I've genuinely been at peace with myself and I'm perfectly content with going through the paces of this stage of my life as Chido.

Anyway I thought it would be cool to share a list of some of the things I've learnt while I've been single. 

1.

It's OKAY to be single.

It's not a shortcoming on your part. I don't know what else I can say here except that it really is OKAY! It doesn't hurt. Best before dates and marriage anxiety are a thing of the past for me. I know for some people these play a dominant role but I honestly feel in the bigger scope of things it really is OKAY. You don't need to pressure yourself. It might be that I haven't hit the third floor (30) yet though. LOL 

2.

There is more to me. 

In a way this has been a journey of self discovery. It's amazing the things you discover about yourself when they aren't hinging on someone else. When there are fewer consultations and only you get to decide where you'd like to be on a Saturday afternoon or Thursday evening decisions really are mostly about you and what YOU enjoy. The question here would then be who to do all this stuff with and this leads me on to lesson #3.... 

3.

I have AMAZING friends. 

Friends can sometimes go neglected when there is a significant other, needless to say mine haven't experienced ANY neglect in the months past. I love my friends and I'm glad I've had so much time to enjoy their love and presence in my life, they have always been there and I've known this  at the back of my mind but in this season I've really seen them stand and shine as pillars in my life. Guys! Friends are like FREE resources for EVERYTHING! They are literally on call 24/7 and love you unconditionally. Truthfully my friends have been abused but I wish I had tapped into this sooner!

4.

Being with someone, when the time comes will only be to add to an already wholesome life. 

Now I know I don't NEED someone. I know having someone in my life is an intentional choice not because of some inadequacy or gap left wanting. Companionship is great but life can be just as fulfilling while you are single. For some reason I haven't felt lonely. It might be that my life is generally busy with the baby on top of everything else and it may also be that I have a strong army of friends. I also haven't held back on trying out new things, travelling and connecting with new people. I've generally been so busy this past year+ and looking back the question is more of when would I have found the time to slot in a boyfriend. LOL 

5.

I like my space. 

I know relationships aren't about this but I like making my own decisions. I like not having to be accountable about where I am going, who I am with, how I spent my day, what my plan is for the next 10 years. I like that I can have my own structure without the added input of another. I like that I can do what I like with my hair without someone else's opinion mattering (my hair has really been through a lot!). I like taking short vacations on a whim. I like not having to leave the house all weekend. I like that I have the room to do that with zero questions asked (slight disclaimer here: I have to tell my parents because I still live under their roof but it's different with the parents).

6.

I have issues to sort through. 

It's easy to date someone and go through the paces of a relationship but having this time alone has made me aware of some of the things I have to deal with within. Some of the things I had overlooked previously. It made me realize how being with someone is a purposeful act and how in order to bring as well as receive the necessary share in a relationship being aware of your shortcomings can go a long way not only for yourself but for your partner as well.

7.

The prospect of "the one" is so exciting! 😂 

I think I'm at that single phase where I believe in LOVE and finding someone and the thing about a clean slate is you have room to dream and fantasize about "Prince Charming", mainly because I don't have to 'play him down' to anyone in my radius. I have been free to become aware of the character traits and personality of a guy I'd like to be with, the things he would value and the way he would make me feel. I think now I'm better able to spot a "Not Prince Charming" because I've had so much time to mold one.

8.

Companionship is worthwhile. 

At the end of the day it would be nice to do life with someone who HAS TO go out with me when I'm craving prawns, when I want to go watch a movie or have to attend a friends party or family gathering. Having someone with a shared chemistry to laugh at random things with, share your hearts desires with and your fears with is nice. I feel that while I'm viva "team single" chimwe nechimwe chinenguva yacho (each and every thing has its own time). Being with someone when the time is right most definitely has its perks. I'm looking forward to it and if for some reason that doesn't happen it's still okay too. 😉

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Keep shining :)