Work – Life, Balance?

As with everything else on my blog I do not claim to be an expert who has mastered it. I am literally going through life trying to figure things out and unfortunately making the mistake of documenting some of it. Sometimes I look back at the things I write and think, ‘Wow, this is golden!” or “Oh my word what were you thinking?” 

Anyway, one of the things I wanted to write about was how to create a balance between work and life. I work full time, but I am also halfway through my PhD and have a 3-year-old son. It really is a lot and on most days I am completely exhausted. Sometimes it is just mental fatigue where I literally can’t think anymore and sometimes it’s physical fatigue where my body is completely shattered. I have in no way mastered this balance thing but there are a few things that I have found to help along the way and I wanted to share a few of them below. 

1)   Plan

"Planning is bringing the future into the present so that you can do something about it now."

Allan Lakem

I am a woman of to-do lists. I struggle to function without them and on the day that I make the mistake of starting off without a clearly defined agenda I find myself running around from item to item like a headless chicken and not actually getting anything done. So I plan. I like to plan my day and sometimes it goes all the way down from the actual activity to be done to the hour it should be done. It helps me be objective about what I can or cannot do each day/week/month and it also helps me be strategic about what needs to be done. My to-do lists push me to do more when I start to feel complacent because they stare back at me from my desktop and notebooks reminding me of the multiple tasks at hand. They push me forward to get things done because of the satisfaction that comes with having something ticked off my list. They practically keep me sane but in the broader scope of things I am a planner. I like to have plans in place for everything that I can plan. It allows me to make projections about the short and long-term future so that I can be better prepared for anything that comes my way. I think it makes me more efficient. I’d also like to note here that I plan everything, it’s not just work but also the leisurely things too. They also need to go on the agenda. They are just as important so on my to do list you will find random things like plan lunch with friend x for the week of June 14. My friendships are important to me so I am intentional about carving out time for and planning for them otherwise it wont happen. You will see what I mean in the next items below. 

2)   Be intentional about rest

"Life is all about balance. You don't always need to be getting stuff done. Sometimes it's perfectly Okay , and absolutely necessary, to shut down, kick back and do nothing." 

Lori Deschene 

When you feel you need to have a break, take it! I am sure there is a smart psychological theory about this in some text book but what I have found is that taking time out does wonders for my work output. One day or an afternoon off can increase my efficiency when I get back to work so I do take time off. I plan it in advance when I know I will have long stretches of intense work and when the time comes I shut off and rest. This works hand in hand with the planning strategy in item number 1, when I am intentional about my rest days and they are planned ahead of time my work should not suffer because I have taken a day or 1 week away from it. 

3)   Be intentional about the ‘other’ things you want to do

"Time is a created thing. To say "I don't have time," is like saying, "I don't want to." 

Lao Tzu 

Time to do things will never create itself. In our busy schedules we often find ourselves saying things like, “I don’t have time to go to the gym” and “I don’t have time to do this and that.” With that mentality it is highly likely that you really won’t have the time to do those things, however, one of the things that I have found is that if you intentionally carve out time for the things that matter to you and the things that you want to do everything else that “keeps you busy” simply has to fall in line. So for example one of the things I am extremely intentional about is time with my son. While I work from 7am-5pm on Monday to Friday every day after work I make sure I have at least 2 hours with my son before he goes to bed and also every weekend is dedicated Malachi time. This means that weather I am done with work or not I leave by 6pm (on most days) so that I can spend time with my son. It means that on weekend I can’t be at the office and whatever I do do has to be Malachi friendly. Things don’t always go as planned (life is like that) BUT what I have found is that when I have set a time to be elsewhere (at home with Malachi) I made sure that while I am at work I am as productive as possible so that I leave the office by 6pm. I spend less time talking in the kitchen because I know I need to get stuff done and be gone by 6. 

4)    Work smart

"If I had six hours to cut down a tree, I'd spend the first four sharpening the saw." 

Abraham Lincoln 

Those that know me well enough know that I am actually quite lazy. I prefer working smart to working hard. I think there is a book out there about this somewhere and both can sometimes be synonymous but basically when working I try to be as efficient and strategic as possible. Where things can be simplified and made easier they should be. Being at your desk from 7-5pm without getting much done isn’t working hard or smart. Time is precious, and we must treat it as such. You must be actively thinking of ways to make your life easier. In terms of work this may not be easy or applicable to everyone because a lot of people don’t have flexibility about what they do at work but where things can be made easier they must be. I am not sure if this point makes any sense but I’ll leave it here for future reference.

5)   Focus on one thing and do it as best as you can in the time you have allocated to it

"To do two things at once is to do neither."

Publilius Syrus

Having your mind in one place is so so powerful. This is a lesson I learnt years and years ago and it has stuck with me since. Sometimes we are busy trying to get several things done at once and a lot of the time is messes up our output for everything. So what I tend to do is focus on pieces of work and get them done then move on to the next thing. This might be unique to me only because I have clearly segmented pieces of work, so I could on one day be focusing on a paper I am writing and work to get that done and then on the next day move on to something PhD related and get that done in the morning before moving on to analysing some data in the afternoon. It doesn’t help you to have your mind in 50 different places. I have noticed sometimes when I carry my work stress home Malachi asks me, “Mhamha why are you mad?” My time with Malachi would automatically be ruined because my mind is still at work. I know this is easier said than done a lot of the time but if you do train your mind to compartmentalize I have found this to be very helpful. It protects my rest/ ”other” time form distractions and it also increases my efficiency with work. 

So anyway, the inspiration behind this post was a conversation I have been having a lot with one of my friends lately and that is basically centred around the fact that I want to do more. I know I am doing a lot but I also feel like there is more I can and should be doing. I am also surrounded by some extremely phenomenal people who are doing some really amazing work and what sets these people apart from everyone else is that they push themselves to go the extra mile. They are trailblazers on so many fronts, they start things. I want to do more because I feel like I can. This may not be the case for everyone out there, however,  it’s good to check yourself regularly and see where you can fit in any additional things you feel would be beneficial for yourself and your community both now or in the future. This might seem like a slight tangent, but I really don’t want my life to be one sided. I don’t want paediatric and adolescent HIV to be the only thing I know 10 years from now. I have other interests and so I need to identify them and be intentional about creating space for them in my life now. I want to read, I want to write, I want to travel, I want to volunteer, I want to grow. A very powerful woman I connected with recently and now look up to says repeatedly, "You become very boring very quickly, if all you ever talk about is your work." She is right, we are not created to be one dimensional beings. While there is an epidemiologist in me I know there is also a creator, a writer, an orator, a philanthropist, a mother, a lover...

To summarise I will share a quote by Breena Clarke that I have been repeating to my friend since January, “Try more things. Learning to swim won’t stop you from reading Shakespeare. Finding your voice won’t stop you from writing novels. You should be cooking on all four burners.” 

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari 

Keep shining! 

Mhamha Mumu gets some Alone Time

One of the most exciting things that happened to me this past month was that I actually got to spend 4 weeks alone. I traveled to London for a 1 month placement and was staying in a room in the university’s halls. All there was in the room was a bed, desk and chair plus a small bathroom. I was happy. I wanted to be alone and bask in the solitude. 

Here’s why... 

One of the things I wasn’t prepared for after giving birth to my son 3 years ago was the fact that for the most part I would never have long stretches of time to myself. I love my son. We do everything together and I can’t imagine moving forward with this life thing without him. This is truth. The other truth is he is ALWAYS there. The only time we spend apart is when I’m at work and he’s at school. We’re good friends and he’s my partner in being hyper and excited about everything. Having him around though has also illumined how ungrateful I was about all those moments (before I had a baby) that I spent alone. 

Below I’ll share with you 4 random joys I experienced this month while I was spending some time with myself: 

1) Waking up when I wanted

Malachi wakes up EARLY! I didn’t know sleeping in/through the night was privilege till I had a baby. In most instances when they wake up, you have to wake up too! It really doesn’t matter what time it is or what time you went to bed. Malachi is older now so he can sometimes get on with other things while I “close my eyes” but to him when the sun is out it’s time to wake up. So if I sleep past sunrise he starts asking me if I’m sick. Not cool. The flip side of this is that I've made better use of my extra awake hours over the last few years BUT there's a special kind of feeling that comes with staying in bed for another hour or two on a Sunday morning. 

2) Spending unlimited time in the shower and/or loo

This is a big one!! You don’t realize this before you have children but this here is a privilege in itself. They ALWAYS need something from you during these supposed-to-be-private moments. With Malachi sometimes he just feels like I’ve been in the shower for too long and he misses me so he comes to check if I’m done REPEATEDLY.  Not ideal. 

3) Reading/Working at home whenever I feel like it with no distractions

I'm at work from 7am-5pm on most days and often get home around 6pm. Malachi goes to bed soon after 8.30pm and that normally gives us about 2 hours of bonding time. In this time we have dinner, I give him a bath, sometimes we watch tv or play a game or do homework. Bed time is a 30 minute routine where I tell him a story or we read a book and then a lot of talking also happens here before he finally falls asleep at 9pm. It’s always kinda hectic and A LOT happens. This past month it was so refreshing for me to get back to my quiet room and carry on working or pick up a book and just read. When I’m at home these are tasks that are often left till after baby boy falls asleep and sometimes I’m so exhausted that I actually pass out before he does.

4) Extra curricula's

a.k.a Coming home late (and not feeling guilty about it)

I prefer to start work early and then come home early so that I can spend time with my baby before he goes he sleep (see random #3 above). Normally if I go out for something after work it means Mhamha and Malachi time doesn’t happen because I get home soon/long after he goes to sleep. I don't like that so you can imagine what effects this can have on a girls social life. So this last month I was forever doing things after work!! I took myself out for dinner and drinks (alone), I met up with so many people and made connections with some amazing people, I went shopping, I attended seminars and I generally took my time to get home. This joy just illuminated something that’s so real to me and that thing is Mother’s Guilt. Getting home and finding my son fast asleep pains me. I want to see his face at the end of the day and I worry about how his whole night time routine has now been messed up if I ‘selfishly’ decide to go out and watch a movie with my friends after work. This is worthy of a blog post on its own so I’ll stop here.

I know one day soon he will be a big boy and will be off in the world living his own life and I will yearn for additional us time. However, my 4 weeks were AMAZING! I missed my baby a lot but I really did enjoy in the time I had to myself. He would video call me every single day before bed and we would talk about his day, what he ate and the treats that Sekuru or Uncle Chenge bought for him (follow me on Twitter @chidodc to see some of the quirky things he had to say on those calls). I often found myself rushing out of meetings to pick up his calls or looking strange on the train trying to show my baby what the tracks looked like and laughing my face off alone in my room when asked me to bring him a cute little kitten. We had our time every day and he would also ask me “Mhamha Mumu, when are you coming back home?” daily which would also break my heart. 

I would not be able to do any of the things I do with my life without the support of some amazing people. Thank you to Gogo Mumu, Sekulu vaMumu, Uncle Chenge and Aunty Miriam for always holding down the fort while I am away. Also thank you to all my friends and cousins who go rushing whenever I call. Without you I don't think I would have been able to achieve any of the successes I have seen in the last 4 years and sleep with such ease when I am away from home.  I don't feel like I  am a single mother, my baby and I are surrounded by an army of remarkable people. Thank you!

Anyway the moral of my long rant (there always has to be a moral) is probably summed up in this: 

1. If you’re planning on having children beware! 
2. If you already have children it’s okay to be intentional about taking time out for yourself. You also need you and, 
3. If you don’t plan on having children please enjoy your alone time a little extra for me too. 

I am ready to go back home now.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

Side note: I think this is one of the challenges I’d have/have had/am having with romantic relationships. What do you do when someone else becomes a permanent feature in YOUR life? Someone said this is just like having Malachi or all my other female friendships. I can’t imagine living life without either of those but in my books having a man as a permanent feature in my world is different. How do you create that balance in your relationships? Do you ask each other for space every few weeks or is it that get to a place where you can't be without your partner/spouse? 

Blog post for another day perhaps?

Looking Back

Five years ago, I left. 

Full of hopes and dreams,

While everyone asked, “Why?”

It didn’t make sense to them why I would leave,

Why I would leave the land that so many of my people yearned to set foot on.

Why I would leave the land where the grass was definitely greener, and opportunity abounded.

I left because the place I called home, Zimbabwe, 

Called out to me.

My fears and ambitions were tied together within her.

My bones craved her warmth,

Despite all the barrenness I was promised to find, 

I left. 

Today I came back,

And my heart is full.

Full of gratitude and memories of remembrance.

In many ways this is where it all began.

Where I discovered that I was Zimbabwean; an identity I could not shake.

Where I fell deeply in love with the sunshine, 

And the sound of my mother tongue, Shona, being spoken.

Where I developed an appreciation for a plate full of sadza, maveggie nenyama.

The journey has not been easy,

It has been marred with tears and great disappointments.

There were days of desperateness, pain and fear.

But

There were also days of small but great victories.

Successes in finding purpose in my work.

Beauty in falling in love with myself, 

And finding love in the fruit of my womb.

Lessons in taking great leaps and moving forward one day at a time,

Hope.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

After I finished my first degree in 2013 I made the decision to go back home to Zimbabwe. Everyone asked why I wanted to go back to nothing and truth be told I was very afraid. There were no opportunities for young graduates in Zimbabwe and it seemed like everyone was unemployed. Their points were valid, and I was gripped with fear. 

The only difficulty was that I had to go back. I had to go back home. I felt I had no choice, not only because my Tier 4 visa was up but also because in my heart my time here had come to an end and the place I needed to be was home. The place I needed to continue my journey was Zimbabwe. Despite all the fear and words of sound advice the stubborn young lady in me packed everything she could in 46kgs and went back to Zimbabwe.

They weren’t amused, but I was happy to be home with my mother, father and siblings.  Looking for a job was difficult. I knocked on many doors and spoke to so many people. It did not take long for me to lose steam and start doubting my decision. 

Several months afterwards I joined a small pool of the lucky ones and landed a job. Despite this, my father cried daily because they weren’t paying me close to a fraction of the thousands of pounds he and my mother had poured into my British education. I felt I was a disappointment to them but within I was also certain that my mission was greater than the now and that I was on my way somewhere. I was following my passion of making a difference to the lives of Zimbabweans.

In reality for over two years I was scrubbing it in high density suburb clinics. There no one believed that I had left the UK where most of them dreamt of visiting and probably staying with no intention of ever coming back.

Several years later and upon taking a two-day trip back to Newcastle Upon Tyne, I am glad I left. I am glad I took the leap and followed to where my heart was drawn. This is not to say Newcastle is a terrible place. Being back here reminded me why and how I had also fallen in love with its aura. Tears filled my eyes as the Megabus drove across the Tyne river over the bridge and into the city. This is where I grew into a young adult and lost a lot of my wide-eyed innocence.

Even so, over the last 5 years I have also grown a great deal. I have been forced to stretch myself and fill shoes I knew were too many sizes bigger than my size. I have learnt that the will of God will never take you, where the grace of God cannot keep you. I have learnt that standing up for yourself and following your heart serves you. I have learnt that doors can open where it is believed there are none. I have also made mistakes and from them seen beauty abounded. I have seen my worst fears play out before me but also lived to see days, weeks, months and years pass beyond them. I am doing okay and, in many ways, have lived out some of my dreams. The big scary ones that I pencilled down secretly in my journals all those years ago. 

Some days can be frustrating. Living in Zimbabwe is not easy. I am often extremely tired but, on many days, I believe I truly am happy. There is nowhere else in the world I would rather be right now. 

This is my story and I acknowledge that the journey of every individual is different. I can go on and on, however, my lesson from this post (there always has to be a lesson) is this:

Sometimes it’s not such a bad idea to listen to your heart and take a leap into uncertainty. Infinite possibilities await in the unknown.

Keep Shining.