Looking Back

Five years ago, I left. 

Full of hopes and dreams,

While everyone asked, “Why?”

It didn’t make sense to them why I would leave,

Why I would leave the land that so many of my people yearned to set foot on.

Why I would leave the land where the grass was definitely greener, and opportunity abounded.

I left because the place I called home, Zimbabwe, 

Called out to me.

My fears and ambitions were tied together within her.

My bones craved her warmth,

Despite all the barrenness I was promised to find, 

I left. 

Today I came back,

And my heart is full.

Full of gratitude and memories of remembrance.

In many ways this is where it all began.

Where I discovered that I was Zimbabwean; an identity I could not shake.

Where I fell deeply in love with the sunshine, 

And the sound of my mother tongue, Shona, being spoken.

Where I developed an appreciation for a plate full of sadza, maveggie nenyama.

The journey has not been easy,

It has been marred with tears and great disappointments.

There were days of desperateness, pain and fear.

But

There were also days of small but great victories.

Successes in finding purpose in my work.

Beauty in falling in love with myself, 

And finding love in the fruit of my womb.

Lessons in taking great leaps and moving forward one day at a time,

Hope.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

After I finished my first degree in 2013 I made the decision to go back home to Zimbabwe. Everyone asked why I wanted to go back to nothing and truth be told I was very afraid. There were no opportunities for young graduates in Zimbabwe and it seemed like everyone was unemployed. Their points were valid, and I was gripped with fear. 

The only difficulty was that I had to go back. I had to go back home. I felt I had no choice, not only because my Tier 4 visa was up but also because in my heart my time here had come to an end and the place I needed to be was home. The place I needed to continue my journey was Zimbabwe. Despite all the fear and words of sound advice the stubborn young lady in me packed everything she could in 46kgs and went back to Zimbabwe.

They weren’t amused, but I was happy to be home with my mother, father and siblings.  Looking for a job was difficult. I knocked on many doors and spoke to so many people. It did not take long for me to lose steam and start doubting my decision. 

Several months afterwards I joined a small pool of the lucky ones and landed a job. Despite this, my father cried daily because they weren’t paying me close to a fraction of the thousands of pounds he and my mother had poured into my British education. I felt I was a disappointment to them but within I was also certain that my mission was greater than the now and that I was on my way somewhere. I was following my passion of making a difference to the lives of Zimbabweans.

In reality for over two years I was scrubbing it in high density suburb clinics. There no one believed that I had left the UK where most of them dreamt of visiting and probably staying with no intention of ever coming back.

Several years later and upon taking a two-day trip back to Newcastle Upon Tyne, I am glad I left. I am glad I took the leap and followed to where my heart was drawn. This is not to say Newcastle is a terrible place. Being back here reminded me why and how I had also fallen in love with its aura. Tears filled my eyes as the Megabus drove across the Tyne river over the bridge and into the city. This is where I grew into a young adult and lost a lot of my wide-eyed innocence.

Even so, over the last 5 years I have also grown a great deal. I have been forced to stretch myself and fill shoes I knew were too many sizes bigger than my size. I have learnt that the will of God will never take you, where the grace of God cannot keep you. I have learnt that standing up for yourself and following your heart serves you. I have learnt that doors can open where it is believed there are none. I have also made mistakes and from them seen beauty abounded. I have seen my worst fears play out before me but also lived to see days, weeks, months and years pass beyond them. I am doing okay and, in many ways, have lived out some of my dreams. The big scary ones that I pencilled down secretly in my journals all those years ago. 

Some days can be frustrating. Living in Zimbabwe is not easy. I am often extremely tired but, on many days, I believe I truly am happy. There is nowhere else in the world I would rather be right now. 

This is my story and I acknowledge that the journey of every individual is different. I can go on and on, however, my lesson from this post (there always has to be a lesson) is this:

Sometimes it’s not such a bad idea to listen to your heart and take a leap into uncertainty. Infinite possibilities await in the unknown.

Keep Shining.