Why I write

I write as a release,

As if putting it on paper will deliver me.

I write to understand,

As if articulating it will help me see the bigger picture,

The paper - a blank canvas…united with the pen,

My thoughts on display so I can see.

I write to preserve,

My memories so slippery they can easily be forgotten,

lost…

So I write to store them,

To freeze my thoughts and my emotions in time,

So that one day I can remember I write.

I write to express,

Where spoken word can often fail me,

I put my voice on paper,

Where it can be heard loudly by those who care to read.

I write as a release,

As if putting it on paper will deliver me.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Somebody asked me why I have a blog. Why I put stuff online where everyone can see it and not in a diary. Of course I do have a diary but why the blog? I never managed to give them an answer and up until now I guess it’s still a question awaiting a response. I’ve thought it through a few times and every possible answer doesn’t quite do it full justice, however, along the way I discovered why I write. Besides getting lost in time when I do it I feel as though writing is all the things above for me…a release, a think pad, a store and an expression point. I enjoy it and often I go through some of the things I’ve written in years past and think WOW, my words take me back in time and while I read the thoughts and the feelings from back then come alive and it’s as if I’m right back there when I wrote it. In that instance my writing serves as my experiences embalmed…preserved.  

With that said I guess in a way my writing can also be a part of me that remains when I’m gone. The legacy that I leave behind, the fragments and echo’s of Chido that will outlive me sprawled all over my blog for whatever reason.

Keep Shining  J

I'd like for you to know me

I'd like for you to know me

To see deeper than meets the eye

To understand where it all comes together, 

The past,

The present,

The future.

I'd like for you to know me. 

To know me so that I don’t have to explain myself, 

To try make you understand.

The when,

The where,

The how,

The why?

I'd like for you to know me. 

I'd like for you to have been there when ideas where birthed, 

When challenges where met and obstacles overcome, 

When I faced defeat, 

When I cried and  when I laughed. 

I'd like for you to have been there,

So that may you could understand.

I'd like for you to understand, 

To understand why things are the way they are, 

To interpret my actions,

To see behind the veil so carefully woven.

I'd like for you to know me. 

I'd like for you to see, 

To see that this is but a mask, 

A shadow of what’s covered inside, 

If only you could see. 

Then maybe you would know.

Xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

 

I’ve met a lot of people in the past few months and I must confess that for me the initial getting to know someone is one of the most exciting times in a relationship. To me it’s kinda like opening up a new gift where you shake it a bit to sort of try and figure out what it could be, remove the wrapping paper to see what's underneath and then finally opening up the box then Voila! It’s exciting. However, one thing that I have learnt is that as human beings we are such complex beings. Never is really as it seems and who we are is formed over years and years and can never really be exhausted in even 2 or 3 years of getting to know someone. Like a carefully wrapped present there are layers and layers to be uncovered to get to the depth of an individual. 

I mean I often struggle with trying to figure myself out, my friends whom I've known for over 10 years and my siblings who I've  lived with practically my entire life. It’s a tough feat. And then you meet someone who you wish you could do a “download entire history”. Someone you'd like to do a full expose to but even with all the time in the world narrating all your life experiences, all your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your plans, your opinions would be an impossible feat. Getting someone to understand it all in its entirety is daunting really. Like I said I struggle with explaining myself or a decision I made ¾ of the time. Anyway that’s kinda where this post is coming from and well I understand that a 'full expose' is not likely going to happen ever and maybe it’s part of the beauty of life, that you keep discovering new things; new things about yourself, new things about the world and all that’s in it. It may well be part of the grand plan that only one person, God, knows all of it and you for who you truly are…inside and outside J  

Keep Shining

In Need of an Attitude Adjustment

“You are in need…

In need of an attitude adjustment,

A mental shift,

Perhaps, a renewing of the mind…”

He said.

He said,

I had to let go,

I had to reframe and reform how I viewed things,

To break away from my so called “realities”

And create new possibilities.

An attitude adjustment is what he called it.

He said I was in need,

As if I could magically erase all I thought to be true,

All that encapsulated MY mind,

MY thoughts,

MY feelings,

As if I could forget the past,

 The lessons I learnt,

The scars I still saw marred all over my being…

Fixed by an attitude adjustment,

He said.

“An attitude adjustment,

A mental shift,

Perhaps, a renewing of the mind…”

He said.

XOXO

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Have you ever had to listen to advice you really didn’t want to hear although you knew it was true? Have you ever heard words so honest and straight to the point that it becomes a little difficult to swallow? And although you’d like it to be so wrong you can’t find the words to contend with it, to adequately justify your actions or to stop the conversation mid air?

I recently had an encounter like that and the post tells the story. The moral of it all lies with how difficult it is to accept where your mistakes and your faults lie especially when they are sooo deeply rooted within how you have allowed/made yourself to believe things are.  It really isn’t easy and I’ve come to realise that an attitude adjustment is something easier said than done. The things we come to accept as truth are engraved and formed through many experiences over time and letting go of those things there and then kinda tears you apart because it challenges years of building blocks in creating your truth.  

So what do you do?

Post my experience I have decided to take a few steps in dealing with this ‘new truth’.

·         Step 1 - Analyse the advice. Play it over and over in my mind until I accept it to be true and not a mere attack on me.

·         Step 2 – Retrace. I have now begun a process of retracing where I could have gotten things wrong and hopefully through that I’ll start having light bulb moments that will help me remodel my age old beliefs.

·         Step 3 – Automatic attitude adjustment. (If my steps work)

It isn’t easy but I have feeling it makes all the difference.

Like I said earlier the truth is sometimes hard to take and oftentimes shooting the messenger is a much easier take, however, a lesson I also learnt from this is the value of a friend/brother/sister who tells you like it is. It can’t be easy on the other end being downright honest and today I accept that the hard truth actually comes from a place of love. Make it a point to cherish those that tell you like it is…they are often a rare find J

Shout out to the “HE” that told me I needed an attitude adjustment, my mom, my little sister and 90% of my friends for always telling me like it is.

The hard truth!

  

Letting it be...

I've decided to let it be,

To let go of the reigns and

Let it be...

I'll go with the flow, 

I'll follow the crowd, 

I'll live a life in oblivion, 

I'll let it be... 

No rules,

No regulations, 

No stopping myself and 

No saying NO! 

I've decided to let it be...

The decision is to stop fighting, 

To squeeze my eyes shut to the walls long since erected,

To let go of my inhibitions and for a while, 

Just a little while, 

I'm going to let it be... 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This post was inspired by a mixed bag of feelings including the very eminent and apparent one FATIGUE! I like being in control, I like having a plan, I've often been described as up tight and believe things are meant to be a certain way. I struggle to have it any other way and most times I'll fight tooth and nail to get things in place BUT when I wrote this piece my body, mind and soul were just tired. Worn out, drained, complacent and lethargic. I was/still am tired and the plan is to go with the flow and see where it takes me.

Is it wrong to just let go sometimes? 

Keep Shining :) 

Imperfect Perfection

One plus one is equal to two

But for us it’s not quite true,

Imperfect perfection

That’s us.

I love you

You love me too,

But for us it doesn't end there

Life’s not that fair.

Imperfect perfection

That’s us.

Socks and Shoes

Cake and Icing

Boy and Girl

Two hearts intertwined

Beating as one

Imperfect perfection

That’s us.

"Two totally unrelated objects

Perfectly nestled inside each other

A certain kind of peace

In a chaotic world"

And yet for us, 

The story doesn't end there

Life’s not that fair.

Imperfect perfection

That’s us.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

They say that nothing is perfect and that even the word imperfect spells out “I’m Perfect”. Today I was left wondering if there is such a thing as ‘just right’ or if we should seek to find the beauty in all the mess and hold onto that. If we should seek out the perfection midst all the imperfection and allow it like a light to shine bright in our hearts and minds because if it’s true nothing is actually perfect.  Maybe the whole truth is that it’s truly Perfect Imperfection rather than Imperfect Perfection.  I wonder….  

But yes this poem although written about the subject matter from its own angle is also imperfect perfection. It rhymes in some bits and doesn't in many. It has a story line that doesn't quite come together, with paragraphs of different lengths and repeats in all the wrong places it is the very substance of imperfection, an articulation in mangled words of my hearts impressions. 

Hello Mr

Hello Mr,

I haven't met you yet

But I'm looking forward to the day!

See although we haven't been formally introduced

You and I go waaay back...

Way back to when I was a child and my imagination roared wild.

Back then before the world had tarnished my innocence

And you and I were as real as can be

When I played with my dolls and did dress up with my friends

You were there too....my knight in shining armour.

You see you and I go waaay back

Although I haven't met you yet I'm looking forward to the day.

Hello Mr,

I haven't met you yet

But I'm looking forward to the day

See although we haven't been formally introduced

You and I go waaay back

Way back when I thought I'd found you

When I saw a glimmer of some of your qualities

When I dated other guys

Back then before the world had bitten into my faith

And you and I became a reality, an internal desire I searched for.

You were there too...

You see you and I go waaay back

Although I STILL haven't met you I'm looking forward to the day.

Hello Mr,

I haven't met you yet

But I'm looking forward to the day

See although we haven't been formally introduced

You and I go waay back

Way back when I started picking out colours

Purple or Pink?

When I looked intently at big dresses...White is definitely my colour!

When I listed to songs and pictured my dad..

Pictured my dad walking me down the aisle..To YOU!

You see you and I go way back

Although I haven't met you I'm looking forward to the day. 

Hello Mr

I haven't met you yet

But I'm looking forward to the day

See although we haven't been formally introduced

You and I go waay back

Way back when Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh...”

When the two became one.

You see you've always been a part of me

My best friend, my anchor, my partner, my protector, my soul mate, my prince charming, my second half,

My husband...

You see you and I go way back

Although I haven't met you I'm looking forward to the day. 

Hello Mr

I haven't met you yet

But I'm looking forward to the day

See although we haven't been formally introduced

You and I go waay back

Way back when I purposed in my heart to be your good thing.

To:

Love you, serve you, hold you, grow you...

When I purposed in my heart to be worth more to you than rubies

To bring you good, not harm, all the days of my life.

You see you and I go way back

Although I haven't met you I'm looking forward to the day. 

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

 

Sooo this post is assuming that I haven't met him yet. Hmmm.. This may or may not be true (and is actually kinda funny) but yeah the sentiments above are ones that make my heart skip a beat and smile from ear to ear whenever the thought comes to mind.

I still believe in love and deep down I am actually a hopeless romantic. I have been writing letters to my future husband for years and although I haven't met him I still believe. Although broken relationships have made me tougher when it comes to succumbing to butterflies, trusting and depending on someone else I still believe in my "happy ending" and that's what the post above is about.

Hope.

My mom and dad have been pivotal in displaying to me what marriage is all about; what having someone you can lean on and go through all of life's ups and downs with is all about. They have mirrored the love that comes with being committed to each other, the conflicts and the conflict resolution, what it is to really know someone...when they are happy, sad, dejected or excited. I've been so fortunate to grow up in a home where I can see it all for myself and if my marriage is anything like theirs I will truly be blessed. It's something worth holding onto and waiting for. It's something worth guarding jealously and well.... I'm looking forward to the day! 

Never let the dream die.

Keep believing :)

My Kenya Impressions - Invest in Self

I am my greatest asset. 

All things external may fade away and be gone with time but one thing that will always remain with me is me. The message I want to put across is that although buying houses and buying cars is great, although working hard to earn more and fattening up your bank account can give you great comfort and satisfaction investment in self is just as critical.

I recently traveled to Kenya to visit a friend from University as well as take a break from the stresses of work and the routines of life itself. I've never been to Kenya and upon arrival I was enthused by so many things that seemed so different from all the other places I've been. I've been to England and visited so many beaches there but none are anything like the ones in Mombasa. I've been to South Africa and listened to men and women speak in their mother tongues but none of them are quite like kiswahili, kamba or gikuyu. Before I came to Kenya I thought I knew what a traffic jam was-Simon Mazorodze and Willowvale at 7.30am on my way to work but boy was I wrong. I've marveled at olden day infrastructure in the UK and some of our  magnificent buildings in Harare but my mind was set alight by the buildings standing tall and erect in Nairobi. It was different.

Now believe you me it wasn't just a matter of waking up one day and hopping into the next flight to Nairobi. It was a decision I made months before and something I worked very hard to achieve. I graduated recently and I'm working at my first job. My salary isn't much and I'm often embarrassed to say it out loud to anybody but I proposed in my mind that I was going to work hard, save as much as I can and fly myself to Kenya. Gone are the days of spending daddy's money...this was on my account and it wasn't easy. I had to let go of so many luxuries but one thing I'm certain of is that it was worth it. You can't put a price on international exposure. You begin to see your world in a global context and what began as a mere holiday can very easily be extrapolated to the expansion of my horizons. I know a little bit more about Africa and the world itself now and to me this was a great investment in self above and beyond being so much fun. No one can ever take away this experience from me. It is mine as long as my memory can keep it and thus far it marks the beginning of many more travels. It wasn't easy to get to and I had to deal with logical dilemmas of say save for another year and a half and buy a small car or a stand but this was my choice.

Someone might be reading this and thinking, "I can't afford to fly all the way to Kenya." "I have other commitments like rent and family" and maybe while you can't make that big a sacrifice you can definitely make other smaller ones. See Zimbabwe. Don't stay couped up in  Budiriro where you were born and raised. Save a bit for six months and go to Bulawayo, Victoria Falls, Nyanga or even closer to home take yourself and your partner out for lunch somewhere 'expensive'; Meikles, Sam Levys Village, Crown Plaza. Take your kids to see the airport...it's free! You won't imagine the wonders it will do for them to watch a plane take off and land. Just make that sacrifice. Expand your world.

So although  believe travel is one form of investing in self I appreciate that it may not be for everyone. Another critical investment in self I was reminded of is education. And in a country where people with multiple degrees are unemployed you find a great majority of our youth asking what is the point when I can kiya kiya and get a few dollars. What is education when I can cross the border and go to South Africa and make a few dollars. This saddens me for so many reasons. Education is a tool to empower beyond cash today. It's s security whereby although things aren't working out for the educated now Zimbabwe isn't always going to be like this. Tomorrow things could be different and where will you be still making a quick buck? And above all else money can be lost or stolen, health and strength may fail, but what you have committed to your mind is yours forever. Do that short course, learn that skill, get your o levels uve ne5 ako akakwana. Just make that sacrifice. Grow you. Invest in yourself. 

The two things I mentioned above (Travel and Education) may not apply to yourself but I'm sure you might have something else in mind that might..do that! The time for clothes, shoes, houses and cars will come. Or maybe it has even come and gone and while these are all just as important nothing is as important as you! Make a significant or small investment in yourself and I can assure you it will pay you for the rest of your life.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

P.S Traveling to Kenya was part of my "Single, Young and Earning" vibe. If you follow my blog look out for more posts about that! 

Keep Shining!