On finding someone...

"Who gave you the right to walk into my life and act like you belong,

How dare you fit so effortlessly into the puzzle that is MY life,

As if it were tailored that way,

You, Me, Us..."

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari

This is how I imagine it should be when I meet that person; effortless and as if it was always meant to be. I imagine it this way because one of the excuses I have always given for being single is that I honestly don't have the time to nurture and be present for someone in the midst of being a single mother, a sister, a friend, a daughter an employee and a student among other things.

My days are tough and while I always endeavor to be the best person I can be in all my roles I often struggle to find time for myself. The idea of having to give more of myself to someone else to the extent that I give enough for them, our relationship and everyone else at the same time is daunting. How can I? I've seen friends and family get into relationships and every other relationship becomes strained as a result and the things that used to matter seize to be as important. Things that used to set their hearts on fire; their career and life goals become compromised. I'm not saying this happens in all cases, in many instances I have also seen people blossom into better versions of themselves too. In my life though, I don't see how I can do justice to everyone and everything that at present is very important to me. Important and also at the same time taking so much out of me to succeed at.

The paradox though in my case is that in the midst of this I have seen glimpses of what I imagine it should be like. I've seen what it's like when someone comes into your life to compliment who you are and all the craziness that surrounds you. For someone to be patient with you and understand all your obligations. For someone to be efficient and help you solve problems. I've seen what it's like to have a tiny oasis of peace, to have someone bear the load with you and hold your hand when you need that support.

I have seen pieces of that and when it happens I'm often taken aback. The phrases "Who gave you the right?" and "How dare you?" come to mind. This is MY life, my load to bear, my space. It is right? But now I've found that this person isn't meant to be "an additional", they are supposed to fit INTO the picture and in fact become a part of something more wholesome. Time with them isn't supposed to take away from time with my son, it isn't meant to make it more difficult for me to be present for my friends, siblings and parents. I'm supposed to partner with someone who helps me be better. Someone who through  talking to and doing life with helps me be more effective in pursuing my dreams. And because I have seen glimpses of this I believe it can happen and I'm hopeful. I mean why not?


Keep Shining!