It’s Easy To Forget

It's easy to forget,
When time goes by,
and the years stack up.
When life crowds your space,
and clouds your mind,
It's easy to forget.

To forget,
Why you started,
and the passion that drove you.
Why you took this path in the first place,
and why you are here.
It's easy to forget.

To forget,
That this wasn't just for you,
for the money and nice things.
That the vision didn't end here,
the title and the tasks.
It's easy to forget.

xoxo
Chido Dziva Chikwari

This post was inspired by a conference I attended recently. It has been about 3 years since I finished my undergraduate degree and decided to come back home. The reasons for coming back were varied but I remember having this strong drive to "make a difference in my country". I remember when I started working in the community and the sense of purpose I had when I'd wake up to go to work every morning. When I worked with the children and saw them every day I felt strongly that I was fulfilling exactly that which I had so passionately written down in my university application forms, "giving back and making a difference!”

The first clinic I worked at- Budiriro Polyclinic

But as time passed all of this sort of slipped away. I guess "life" started happening or something because my focus sort of shifted to other things. I started getting more concerned about Me. Thinking about how I wasn't getting paid enough for the work I did. Thinking about how I wanted to do abcde with MY life. The focus had shifted and with that came a lot of dissatisfaction. Work became more mundane and I thought maybe this was simply because I had now moved away from the clinic setting and didn't get to see the patients I had been working so excitedly for. I started just going through the routines of life and thoughts of leaving the country crept in. I wasn't miserable or anything but I had lost that drive.

Me doing a rapid HIV test. I actually miss this.

This conference reminded me WHY I decided to come back to Zimbabwe. Why I chose to do my second degree and why the research I am doing is so important. It goes beyond just ME and in a way I've found that purpose again. That driving factor that allows me to dig deeper within myself and look forward to getting to work each day. Not to say that things like money and having to do abcde with your life don't matter but it's surprising to note that sometimes while you are busy taking care of what's important for your neighbour God is working hard at sorting out all of your stuff.

This is a lesson I feel I keep having to remind myself now (I used to be so much better at it) but yes, sometimes, we get stuck in a rut where we really shouldn't be. Sometimes we get so dissatisfied with what's on the outside when it's hardly the issue. Not to say that things on the outside are great but sometimes when you are stuck in a rut and "struggling" or "suffering" you need to trace your steps back and figure out why you started. Figure out what the vision was. It might be that you are in school and your grades are low and you've lost the drive completely, it might be a work situation like it was for me or it could be a relationship even with a friend or family member that has now grown cold or distant, it may even be your walk with God or any task you may have taken up or challenged yourself to accomplish.

My workspace. This was literally my office.

As always I hope this blog post will be able to help you with whatever it is that came to mind for you to as you read :)

Keep shining!

I love You

 When I met you for the very first time,

When your heartbeat was but a tiny green light flashing on the ultrasound machine,

I knew!

Malachi,

I knew that I loved you. 

When I held you then,

A promise growing quietly in my belly,

You gave me peace.

In the midst of storms your gentle fluttering kept me strong.

I sang to you,

I spoke to you,

You gave me hope.

Even then,

Mamu,

I loved you!

When I named you;

My Messenger,

My Angel,

The one who makes things right,

Your anointing was as strong then as it is now.

You have turned my mourning into dancing,

My sorrow into Joy.

Munatsi,

I love you!

Your smile.

Your laugh.

Your never ending joy,

That bubbles and overflows into the atmosphere around you,

Contagious!

Your calm yet vividly ALIVE spirit.

The spring in your step.

The song in your heart that forces you to Sing,

To sing and dance at every chance.

You are the rhythm of my soul,

Now and forever more,

Papa,

I love you!

xoxo

Mom

This piece was inspired by and written for my son, Malachi Munatsi. Malachi is a Hebrew name from the Bible and it means My Messenger or My Angel. Munatsi is Shona and it loosely translated to “the one who makes things right”. He responds to both names but we also (true to Zimbabwean nature) have dozens of nick names; Mamu, Mumu, Kai, Natsi, Papa… I believe in the power of a name and some of his are spotted in this piece but that is a story for another day. 

I have dozens of pieces written for him in my archives and notebooks, but this one is one I felt I should share.

I love my son so much and what I wrote is but a tiny glimpse of that reality. I wish the whole world could meet him because he is just such a joy. He smiles often, gives such warm hugs and unexpected kisses it’s impossible to not have your heart melt. I am beyond blessed to be his mother and so far motherhood has been an absolutely amazing journey. I have enjoyed watching him grow more than anything I have ever done. The story of how he came to be is a really long one and probably deserving of an entire book on its own (maybe one day!) but yes, initially it was marred with tears (he wasn’t part of my immediate life plan) and then has been splattered with insurmountable joy (I wouldn’t trade him for any other life plan!).

I guess the lesson in this is that it is amazing how God works. When circumstances are glum and what’s on the outside looks like planet earth is going up in flames what he is working out on the inside can literally turn your world upside down in a good way! Another lesson that I’ve learnt from mothering is how Gods love works. God loves us DESPITE it all, he loves us outside of anything we have ever done or will ever do. My love for Malachi drew me to instinctively be protective of him even before I held him in my arms. It was not because of anything he had ever done or will ever do and it needed no reason. Malachi has dunked two of my phones down the toilet bowl and despite being EXTREMELY FURIOUS I still had it within me to hold him in my arms, rock him to sleep and kiss him goodnight a few hours afterwards. If I a human being who errs at every turn can be compelled to love like that, how much more does God love us? It’s a special kind of experience.

I wonder, is romantic love anything like this?

Keep shining!!

Biblical Reference

Jeremiah 31:3 The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness

Ephesians 3:17-19 “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge— that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Dear Me...

Hello,

I know you don’t hear this often enough,

And I know you sometimes doubt it,

So today I thought I’d write to you…or is it me?

Just to clarify one or two things...or maybe its three or four.

You are beautiful….

Inside AND Outside.

You are fearfully and WONDERFULLY made by the creator himself,

God.

While you were yet in your mother’s womb he KNEW YOU!

YOU, are not a mistake!

He created you in HIS own IMAGE!

Therefore, there is nothing wrong with you…or is it me?

You are You and that is good enough.

Don’t doubt it, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!

I know you don’t hear this often enough,

And I know you sometimes doubt it,

So today I thought I’d write to you…or is it me?

Just to clarify one or two things…or maybe its three or four.

You Can…

You are able.

Whatever you set your mind to…

Your hopes, your dreams, your CRAZY aspirations….

They are possible!!

Don’t listen to what ‘they’ say.

Those that tell you that you can’t. 

That it is impossible. 

Don’t listen to what ‘they’ say.

Greater is he that is within you than he who is in the world.

YOU are of God!

Don’t doubt it.

Hold on and never lose hope,

Keep your eye on the goal,

And most importantly…

REMEMBER….

Remember that YOU CAN!!

I know you don’t hear this often enough,

And I know you sometimes doubt it,

So today I thought I’d write to you…or is it me?

Just to clarify one or two things…or maybe it’s three or four.

Dear Me… 

Xoxo 

Chido Dziva Chikwari 

This piece was inspired by a memory :) I love writing letters to myself and it’s a weird thing but I leave them in random places all over my space and every once in a while I stumble upon one. It’s always heart-warming when I do because it always seems like it’s the perfect ‘word’ for that season and if it isn’t they always serve as an amazing reflection tool. I look back on where I was then and how far I have come. I write letters when I am afraid, when I am hurt, when I am happy, when I am in love and when I am plain bored. They serve me well. Similarly my blog has that effect. I look back at the things I have written and more often than I would expect they serve me. Lessons I’ve learnt in the past stay relevant and sometimes past experiences can still teach me. I think this is one of the reasons why I love writing; I love re-reading my past wisdom OR foolishness! 

Anyway, that rant is probably very irrelevant…. 

The moral of this post for me was just to highlight the power and importance of positive self-affirmations. It matters what we believe of ourselves and we need to be purposeful about the things we say to ourselves. It is one thing to receive affirmation from someone else and another for it to beam out from within. You must be purposeful about your self-image! There is power in the things we believe of ourselves. In life we set our own limits, be it consciously or sub-consciously and I really don’t want to be the one responsible for holding myself back. You are as valuable as the worth you place on yourself. If you think you are worthless, it is highly likely that you won’t strive and push for better and most times the world will treat you as such. The words you speak have the power to give life to or destroy your realities. 

I have often been guilty of negative self-talk and most times it takes a friend to knock some sense into me but today I’d like to challenge you, reader, to write down some positive affirmations for yourself. Make them challenging! Something that you doubt or are unsure of, something that you sometimes forget, something that you hope for. Write it down! Have a piece of DOCUMENTED evidence. Put it away somewhere or if you like stick it up where you can see it every day. I believe it will serve you well one day :) 

Keep shining!!! 

Biblical References 

• 1 John 4vs4: “You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.”
• Jeremiah 1vs5: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
• Proverbs 18vs21: “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” 

LEAVE!

I don’t hate you

And neither do I resent you

I just want you to leave me alone

Leave me alone as in

Leave my heart

And leave my mind

LEAVE!

The thought of you should stop

Stop tormenting me

Stop visiting me

Stop living in my mind

STOP!

How I feel about you?

I miss you

I want you

But above all else I just want you to leave me alone

Leave me alone as in

Leave my heart

And leave my mind

LEAVE!

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

Going Over the Edge!

Falling but you don’t quite hit the ground.

Breaking but you don’t quite fall apart or smash into pieces.

Tiring but you never really give up.

Defeated but it’s never really THE END.

Going Over the Edge!

Moments,

Mixed with glimpses of joy and excitement.

Moments,

When you don’t know how to feel.

When you have to put up a front.

When you just have to go with what is.

Moments,

When you cannot explain anything…

Not to anyone, not to yourself.

Moments,

When it's just what it is.

Going Over the edge!

A season where there is no returning the same.

When you are pushed,

Pushed beyond all you ever thought you could endure.

When all you want is to be invisible,

But

You are forced to stick out like a sore thumb.

A season where you want to be heard,

To be understood,

But

You don’t even know what you want to portray.

When your own beliefs are shifted and sieved.

A season of tough decisions.

Having to hold onto others for survival.

Having to ‘make it’ through each and every day,

Taking it as it comes.

Going over the Edge!

Entering and falling into the unknown.

Burying of life as you know it.

Striving and fighting for the unknown,

Despair,

Disappointment,

Courage,

Forgiveness,

Tears,

Hope!

Going over the Edge…

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

It’s been a while since I have blogged. It’s not that I have stopped writing completely, the article above is testament of this, but life has just been extremely hectic. I have been working hard trying to juggle work, school, the baby and life. My son is 1 now and I am in the final year of my Masters. God is faithful J 

I don’t remember when I wrote this and it’s amazing how full of emotion it is. It’s amazing how in life there are such distinct shifts of season. Sometimes you feel like you are falling over the edge and you don’t know when things will end and then in the next season that time can be a distant memory. Of course there may be scars and experiences that you carry with you forever but the essence of it all is that, "This too shall pass…" Keep holding onto Hope. 

2 Corinthians 4: 17-18 sums up perfectly what I want to say, “So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.”

This is a scripture that carried me through what were the darkest and in a very twisted way most beautiful days of my life. While the outside world seemed to the falling apart within an amazing light was growing and soon to be birthed. I don’t quite know how to explain this, hopefully one day I will be able to (and here as well). As always my posts might be muddled and full of emotion which can make things rather confusing but hopefully you, the reader, have been able to extract something from the mix. J

P.S I’d like to make a special mention of my brother who encouraged me to POST SOMETHING! I have no idea how you were reminded of my blog :0 Quite often I forget that although this is MY baby there are also people out there who actually read it. Thank you Chenge! J

I Also Feel

I see,

I see your head held high

And,

Your reassuring smile.

I hear,

I hear you laugh so tender,

And

Your words so meticulously stung together.

I also feel. 

I feel,

I feel your pain so strong beneath

And

Your gut wrenching agony.

I feel, 

I feel your despair,

Your inner light fading.

Like a silent roar it pierces through the words unspoken,

I hangs like an ornament over the mirage you try to create.

I see,

I hear,

I also feel.

xoxo

Chido Dziva Chikwari

This doesn’t happen often but sometimes in life we go through stuff that literally tears us apart. And sometimes although the worst has happened we do not shed visible tears or walk with our heads hanging low. Sometimes we do not run to tell our closest friends or family what misfortunes we have come across and sometimes our pain and heartache we keep wholly as our own, dealt with in the confines of our private spaces. I am reminded of the shona saying, “Chakafukidza dzimba matenga”.

The reasons for this are varied but it is during these times that we wake up each day and put up a front. We show up, we smile, we act…we act as if things are okay, as if things are normal.

This post was inspired but what I believe to be a similar experience but from an outside view. An experience where although a close friend or family member doesn’t want to share what they are going through you can still feel and see as well as hear with your heart that things are not okay. As a friend/sister/brother this can be an extremely tough time. How can you help someone when they won’t share with you what is wrong? How can you help someone when they do not want you to know that there is something wrong? You wish that they could just cry out so that you can hold them close and tell them that things will be okay but instead you are also forced to pretend; to ‘act’ as if all is well.  

"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity."

Carl Jung

Ours is a story Half Baked...

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of;

I cannot write about YOU,

I cannot write about US,

Ours is a story half baked.

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of;

It never did make sense to me,

How I could LOVE so much what isn’t mine,

How I could love so much what I strongly believed I did not want,

How could I love you?

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of;

How our souls became so intertwined,

How strongly we were drawn to each other,

How like night and day our worlds did not mix

And yet there we were.

It never did make sense to me.

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of,

How we created love and light,

And yet between us a cloud of darkness hovers.

Silence.

Distance.

As if that LOVE, did not exist,

And yet I see it every day,

In HIS eyes.

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of,

How our tomorrows will be.

His,

Yours,

Mine.

Ours? 

I cannot write about what I do not understand, what I cannot make sense of,

What was?

What isn’t?

What is?

Ours is a story half baked.

xoxo 

Chido Dziva Chikwari

"Like night and day our worlds did not mix"

So like all of my pieces this is inspired by my personal experience and my hearts impressions. As the piece states it is a story half-baked and because of that this accompanying note isn’t going to say much. Hopefully most of it will bring meaning to itself and to you reader but if not, hopefully one day I will be able to write more.

Keep Shining J